Do You Like your House?

At home, relaxed, where they belong

I am not sure why I hesitate when I am asked this question, but I feel like it is such a nonsense question in the big scope of things.  How can you like a house when you have just lost a son or two sons. And how can you like a house that is suppose to be your home when it’s missing almost half of the people that are suppose to make up the home but how can you not like the house when the most important people that you still have with you live in that house. It is at home where we are reminded the most of who is missing. It is our home that seems broken for life. On Friday I had discussed this with a friend and that night I pondered this again and I just started weeping again for our two precious sons who do not get to live with us in this house.

In the beginning after either one of the boys left for their eternal home, home was at times the most painful place to come to.  In fact in the first weeks coming home after having been out for only a few hours could be so extremely painful, because outside the home things can seem almost normal but at home its empty and sad while at the same time when we did go out I felt like all I needed is to go back home where I still felt close to my missing loved one. Coming home from a trip is especially painful. So much so that often it felt easier to just stay at home, so we would not have to endure coming home.

 When we moved into this house just over two months after Tyler went to heaven, I would have liked to move into a hotel room where we could be close together all the time. Any house with more then two rooms seemed too big. This house seemed much to big.  I think part of the reason that question bothers me is because we live in a nice house and a big house, not new, but nice and big all the same. We would not hesitate a moment though to move into an old run down, small house if that meant we would be all together again. So I don’t think it’s so much me not liking the house as me wanting everyone to know that a big beautiful house does not make a home and our home will always feel empty on this earth whether it’s big our small. Even a hotel room though it is small would feel empty.

But having said all that I feel God gave us exactly what we needed in this house. After we saw this house there was never a doubt in our mind whether this was the right one.  Tyler said, “I don’t like the kind of windows the living room has but I like the inside and I want us to buy it.”  We all felt that this was the house we wanted, our little oasis. I felt like God must have had us in mind already when it was built 10 years earlier. One of the things we as family had dreamed about was having a pool in the back yard and this place has that, our back yard is surrounded by trees/bush so in the summer back there we feel like we are in our own little park. 

Viewing this house Aug 31, 2017

Roderick died in the basement.  When we looked for a house, we looked for something with a walk out basement, we did not want any dark basement, in other words it was not supposed to feel like a basement. This house has no basement at all, which to us was even better. How many houses can you find in Winnipeg without a basement, in fact for most people this would have been a negative but not for us. After we purchased the house but before we moved in Tyler also died in the basement. It took about a month before Jake even walked into the basement again.  The other thing is the big windows, (not very energy efficient but…) every room has a couple of big windows. Those dark mornings are the hardest for us and we long for the sun to rise, in this house I see the sun rise every morning from my bed. In the winter I see it from the kitchen as well and the living room when I get up before sunrise.

I believe this house is a gift from God and I appreciate it, yes in fact I love it, but I still hesitate to answer. Please don’t take this as another question you can’t ask someone that’s grieving, I really don’t mind at all when people ask it, I appreciate them acknowledging it and it reminds me every time how good the Lord is and how he provided us with a beautiful safe place before we knew how badly we would need it but it also reminds me how the house alone does not make a home it’s the people in it and we will never own a house again that will be perfect enough not to feel like it is missing some of the people that belong in it.  Two especially important, precious sons.  

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

I am God's Favourite

I feel like I am God’s favourite.  Not because I am so perfect but more so because I’m so imperfect and even though I mess up over and over and am so injured He just keeps showering me with love and going out of His way to comfort me. 

I had a significant dream in October of 2017 where I felt God giving me a small taste of the love we will experience in heaven. (I wrote about this dream in the post of 10/17/2017 called Dreams) After Roderick went to heaven, I studied heaven and read a lot of near-death stories, like 90 Minutes in Heaven and Heaven is For Real.  One of the things that often came up was the incredible love and peace that we cannot imagine here on earth but is in heaven.  That love became important to me. This dream was the first one I had that has had a significant impact on me.  This was about 10 weeks before Tyler went to heaven and now looking back, I am wondering if that was God preparing me for what was to come. He knew that there was no way Tyler’s passing would make any sense in any way and He did not want to leave us hopeless.  He saw my faith and confidence in Him, he was changing Tyler before our eyes.  He saw how deeply and with confidence I believed that as Tyler was getting clarity over the doubts and questions he had, with all the things he had been through in loosing his brother plus overcoming such low self-esteem, beginning to see who he was in Christ together with his personality of always esteeming others better then himself and taking care of others at the expense of himself, I saw so much potential in him.. I had been fasting and praying for Tyler in the months before he went, and I knew God had great things in store for Tyler. God knew this would be an exceptionally hard blow on us.

In this dream a lot of things that I had read about heaven were clarified to me as well.  I knew that was my family in the dream, I had never seen them before but I knew, which is what you will hear about heaven, you know the people even if you have never seen them before, whether it’s the grandmother you have never seen or someone from the Bible. Also, I could feel and knew they loved me and knew me, and it seemed like I was their favourite person. That doesn’t happen in this life at least not in that way, when you see someone you don’t just know that they love you deeply and know you well although God does miracles here on earth many times as well where you just sense the love of God in someone. That is a small taste of heaven.  Another interesting thing about the dream was that I was in front of the house, I was nowhere else and even though I had never seen the place before I knew it was my home and I knew exactly how the lake and dock looked in the back in fact I would recognize it in a photo if I ever saw one. (If you have not you might like to read that post).  I am not pretending to have been in heaven in my dream, I believe heaven will be more beautiful then that. This was just a normal place like any place on this earth, it was the feeling of love and being known for who I was on the inside that was exceptional. 

I know that it was my taste of God’s love and the knowledge I had gained of heaven that made me think of the peace and love Tyler was experiencing as well as knowing he was free from pain in those first moments when I realized he was gone, in the midst of the shock and devastation.

Amidst our suffering God has blessed us with so many beautiful things.  The relationship Angeline Jake and I can have is amazing.  We are each other’s best friends.  Heaven is so real to us, and I never doubt God’s love, He has revealed himself to me so powerfully, so to others these dreams might still be just dreams and I’m ok with that but to me they are not. Even if they are just dreams, I have learned a lot from them.  All this makes me feel like I am God’s favourite, but I know you are too.

Each one of them is my favourite child

My Aunt came to visit last summer. I hadn’t seen her in years and not since the boys went to heaven so we talked about our experience and of course God in the midst of all that and she made this expression, “If God had favourites I believe I would be His favourite.” I do not know if she will be reading this, but the thought entered my mind “what’s so special about you.” I knew that all she meant was how loved she felt by God, but I thought that was a strange way to put it.

Back in elementary Angeline wanted to be the teacher’s favourite.  She had a friend who she perceived to be the teacher’s favourite and she would like to be the one the teacher loved the most.  We’d all like to be the person who is loved the most by those close to us but it seems kind of selfish because obviously others have to be loved less; only one can be the favourite.
One day not long after I visited with my aunt I lay in bed pondering and God gave me a clear revelation “that is exactly how he loves me.” He loves me like I am his very favourite person, like I am the only one he loves so much. That is exactly what he showed me in the two dreams I had where he embraced me, it was like I was his one and only favourite. I read about someone who had a near death experience who said that when Jesus looks at you it’s like he loves only you, all the love in him is for you alone, although you know he loves everyone with that same love it seems like you are his one and only special one and in that moment that morning I realized that is exactly how he loves me like I am truly his favourite.

I told Roderick one time, "you are my best son." It was the first time I had said that and even I felt a bit guilty saying that. I could tell Angeline she was my best daughter but I could not tell the boys your are my best son because there were two. Roderick looked up at me surprised and shocked, feeling both special and a bit disappointed that I would have favourites. Surprised, he asked me if I really liked him the best. I told him yes I do but I tell Tyler the same thing, he is the best too.  His countenance fell a bit realizing that was really not that special if he weren't better then his brother and that is how it is here on earth. In order for us to be the best someone else has to be less then us but not so in heaven. It's hard for us to grasp how we could all feel like favourites.

I read this story in The Fight to Flourish by Jennie Lusko:

Recently, Levi and I were having dinner at a restaurant with another couple.  Our waitress had a beautiful accent.  When we asked, she told us she was from Romania.  Levi spent a month on a mission trip there when he was fourteen, and he still remembered a few phrases in Romanian.  Without skipping a beat, he told the waitress, “Iisus te iubeste”—“Jesus loves you.” 

Not knowing a thing about her, Levi didn’t know how she would respond.  But her whole countenance lit up. Smiling wide, she nodded and immediately replied, “Oh yes, I’m His favorite.”

I had never heard that said before. I am God’s favorite. I was hit by this young women’s confidence in God’s love for her. She didn’t just think she was His favorite: she knew.  The interaction left a mark on me, and I left the restaurant that night feeling like God had spoken just to me. 

Last trip altogether 10 weeks before Roderick went to heaven.
Our boys waking up in their hotel room

You’re My favorite, sweetheart.

He speaks this to you, too, but it’s something you have to realize on your own.  People can tell you over and over how special you are, but it’s something you have to believe about yourself.

And so the Lord used my Aunts words to reveal to me how confident we can be in God’s love for us and he used this waitress’s words to reveal it to Jennie, I’m hoping you can see that too. For me at this time I no longer doubted God’s love it just gave me a new depth to the revelation.  Whatever stage you are in, I hope you can say with confidence I am God’s favourite.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

This World is not my Home

This World is Not My Home

I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I cannot stay on this pole all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it.  So how do I do this.  How can I blend this changed person with a new perspective while still enjoying life on this earth?  I might have many more years here; kind of a waste if I want to spend it all on the pole, tiring as well. 

Angeline is extremely sensitive when it comes to how I feel. Its hard to get away with any kind of struggles without her sensing it.  And when she senses that I hang onto that pole and will not even look down she is upset. She will ask, “Don’t you want to see me grow up and see what I become in life?” I love to sing this song:

This world is not my Home, I’m just a passing through,

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me, from heavens open door

and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. 

Chorus:

OH Lord you know I have no friend like you

If heaven’s not my home then Lord what will I do,

The angels beckon me from heavens open door

and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

I have two loving sons just over in glory land

I don’t expect to stop until I shake their hand

They’re waiting now for me on heaven’s golden shore

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

Just over in glory land, we’ll live eternally

The Saints on every hand are shouting victory

Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven’s shore

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.

It is a great song but when I sing it and Angeline senses that I am not enjoying life she does not like it. She says it is sad.  God has not planned for us to live this life hanging on just waiting for the Lord to take us home. He wants us to enjoy this journey. And it would make me extremely sad if Angeline would just want to go to heaven and not enjoy her life here on earth. 

There is a balance.  Our physical bodies are made for this earth and we cannot function without time, air, food etc. but our spiritual beings are more real then our physical bodies and will live for eternity, that part of us will always long for more freedom then what this physical life can give us. Angeline will quite frequently mention the good old days when life seemed stress free. Really that is the same thing as me longing for heaven. We all long for more freedom from pain and stress and troubles.  This brings me back to the race of life, we will be much happier if we run the race then if we just sit down before it’s done and wait until the time has past and God comes and takes us home, crossing the finish line and running into the Saviour’s loving arms will be much better then being rescued from where we gave up on our race.

I must give a lot of credit to my daughter who keeps reminding me to keep running. The other day I said if I had the power to end the world, I would have done it already, Angeline was upset, why would I say such a thing. She wanted to live a life yet, I said growing up in heaven would be better. I wanted to see her grow up, but I don’t mind if that is in heaven, she wants to grow up here though. I didn’t understand why she was upset. She said, “I’m not afraid if the world ends but we shouldn’t want to make it end” and she’s right. In fact just two weeks ago I said in my blog how much better to finish our life even if it includes suffering because what happens in our suffering will also be a beautiful part of our life once we get to heaven.  That’s my daughter for you, even if there is suffering when she gets to heaven she wants a full life that is beautiful and her course on this earth finished, she doesn’t want it to end and not see the rest of her beautifully crafted life although she wouldn’t word it like that.  I want to be more like her.

I have no reason to stay on this pole, I can come down and enjoy life knowing that I can get back onto the pole anytime the water rises but if a tsunami hits unexpectedly and I end up in the deep waters I have nothing to worry about. God will rescue me whether it be taking me to eternal bliss or placing me on the pole himself and that I think might be blending those two parts of me but I still need to learn how to sensitively guide the perspective to our eternal reward. It would be easy for me to tell a mother who worries about lack of sleep, “Are you kidding me, why do you care if you get to sleep or not, it won’t make a difference a year from now and you’ll have plenty of rest in heaven besides you should enjoy being up with your baby because if it were taken from you you’d have plenty of time to sleep but still wouldn’t sleep wishing you could be up with your baby.” Even though this is easy for me to say this mother still needs to get through the night and the next day and we all know life is a lot harder if we don’t get the rest we need including grief but again we all have seasons where we don’t get enough rest that’s why we need to keep and eternal perspective. True and final rest comes in heaven when we cross the finish line, in this life we just stop for a quick drink and keep running but our Saviour never leaves our side and is always faithful to send his angels, in whatever form to give us the care we need.  In him there is peace and rest for our souls though our physical bodies are tired.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Am I a Stranger

This week I feel a bit like a stranger and am not sure I fit. It makes me a little sad.  Do I need to try to fit in or is this what the hymn As pilgrims and strangers we journey through life talks about? 

Several weeks ago, I started this post, but I did not feel like I could put into words what I was trying to say. Yesterday I did a zoom meeting with a mom’s group and I tend to say things that make no sense to others. It was brought up that worry is often our way of wanting to have some control. Example if a medical test comes back worrisome, we worry about it instead of giving up all control and giving it to God.  I said in some ways it was easier for me because after what happened to our boys, I had no control anymore anyway. I was asked if I did not still worry about my daughter. Yes, I deal with anxiety, I have prayed myself through many nights (when I say I pray myself through the night it does not mean I pray all night and don’t sleep at all, it means I wake up many times throughout one night with anxiety pressing so hard and I pray until I fall asleep again). I often find it hard to explain myself. That is why I blog; I get to explain myself.

At times it is easier for me to give my worries to the Lord because I have lost control altogether and have no other choice. When I wake up at night and worry whether Angeline will be okay or all of us for that matter, I often don’t really have control, I either grab onto the Lord and speak His promises over us, asking him to take control knowing that He loves my loved ones more then I do and will take care of them come what may or my mind goes out of control and I tense up and tremble feeling like somebody’s going to die before morning comes. So, the battle is hard but the decision to go to the Lord is easy. I do not find myself worrying for two hours and then remembering I should have taken this too the Lord, when anxiety comes it comes with such force that I grab onto the Lord right away. Having said that, I do have petty little worries where I waste my time worrying but my perspective has changed a lot and I am quicker to remind myself that those little things are not worth worrying about. 

At times I feel like trying to overcome the trauma, grief and anxiety caused by the pain of the separation from the boys is so constant that I have to keep my eyes on Jesus and eternity all the time, every hard day and every little battle becomes an eternal perspective, when it’s a hard day I tell myself this life is my gift to God and my reward awaits in heaven. When I’m worried about sickness I quickly bring it to the Lord and tell myself the worse thing that can happen is dying but that is the best because then comes heaven and even though there might be suffering and pain in sickness that is only physical and will in heaven seem like just a bit of muscle pain. The only way for me to get through this is to live with one foot in heaven and to keep focused on my eternal reward so at times I find it hard to pull my eyes away from that and relate to the daily struggles of those around me. What friends see as a strength in me is at times just a survival mechanism and I must hold onto it for dear life like wrapping my arms around a pole trying not to slip and fall keeping my eyes on Jesus and heaven finding it hard to even turn my head and see my friends who are enjoying the beach but worrying about what if the water becomes so high that they might have to climb a pole, if they were on the pole like me they would not need to worry is how I feel but really I’m the one who needs to get down and enjoy the beach.

At times I find it hard to relate to people who fear the world ending or worry their baby will not let them sleep again this night.  I want to be kind, I want to be sensitive, I want to smile, I want to allow the Joy of the Lord to constantly overflow in me, I want to help people, I want to live with purpose but it is a battle. I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I need to dare slide down that pole enough to see whether I have footing or not but I am not sure if I can because I might fall or another tsunami might come and drown me but tsunami’s don’t come often probably just once a lifetime so I can’t stay up there all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it. Some days I am thankful how far I have come and other days I feel like I am stuck in survival mode, but I realize that I am not alone in this battle everyone is struggling to fit in.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Not Fair

With the pandemic of Covid 19 being the subject all the time or so it seems the subject of the end of the world has come up several times. My nephew feels that it would not be fair for the young people when the world ends because they would not have a chance to grow up.  He says everyone should get a chance to grow up.  Jake told him whether the world ends or not you are not guaranteed a chance to grow up, but we hear this so much when young people pass away.  Its not fair that they did not get to grow up.  It is not fair that they never get to fall in love or get married or graduate or have children.  It is true that it seems like that to us here on earth, but I think here again we are far overrating earth and underrating heaven. 

Thanks to my amazing Husband who thought of capturing
some of those precious moments

First, why do we overrate earth so much? So many people have a lot of pain to deal with in this life, often pain that comes from bad decisions others made that they could not help.  A lot of people feel life sucks.  Why then do we feel we would be missing out if we had to go young or that my sons are missing out when they left early.  We all agree this life is hard and there is a lot of pain.  Then why is it not fair if our loved ones get to go to eternal peace and happiness early.  Why do we think of all the good things they are missing and completely forget all the pain they are also avoiding?  How can we feel like this world is full of pain and depression and nobody is exempt from it on the one hand but then think the world ending or our children going early is not fair?  Why do we keep saying they should still be here?  Its kind of contradicting itself is it not?

Second, we underrate heaven.  Every milestone they should celebrate here is nothing compared to the celebrations they experience every day in heaven. The loved ones in heaven are quite content up there not just content but happy and joyful, they have no desire to come back although they cheer us on but only because they know what it’s like to cross the finish line not because they wish they were still racing.  I have said this in the past, but I will say it again.  We are missing out, us who are left behind, we miss not seeing them during those occasional happy milestones and it’s painful, but we need to always remember and come back to the truth, they are not missing out. Even though the worst day of my life is the day my son went to heaven, that is what other grieving moms say, I guess I say the two worse days of my life, anyway the worse day for us is actually the best day of their life.  The end of the world is not scary if we believe because growing up in heaven will be far better. 

Okay, so then if this is the truth then all you moms out there whose children are still here should just wish that your children would go as well.  That would make the most sense, right?  Yet even at the thought of it you feel like shutting me up.  I have obviously gone crazy. I often look back and think about the time our three children were little, what if I had known during that time when it was so busy, three babies within three and a half years, busy and overwhelming many times.  Not enough of me to go around.  What if I knew at that time that I only had the boys for 16 years?  What if I knew they would never get married, never have their own family?  I never hesitate a moment, I would still want those 16 years with them. I have asked this question to bring perspective when life is tough. People will sometimes say that with all the pain someone has gone through it would have been better if they had died young, that is painful for me to hear because I know they can only say it if they have never experienced the loss of a child but according to what I just said that is the truth, we would have been better off growing up in heaven, all of us would be better off if we died and went to heaven but this life is our gift to God and its where relationships start.  It is where we find out what good and evil is.  It is where we choose how to handle pain and how to handle happiness. The pain we endure even at its very worse is just a little bit of muscle pain when we compare it to our reward in heaven.  Our life on this earth is precious as well. And so even though I constantly remind myself to keep an eternal perspective knowing my boys are the happiest they will ever be, they don’t miss out, I also remind myself how precious life on this earth and the constant ache in my heart, longing just to be able to see my boys one more time makes me so grateful for the years I had with them but also so grateful for the time I still have with my loved ones that are still here. 

My friend told me of a dear family member she had who was really struggling, I don’t remember exactly what was wrong with her child but she had some kind of severe handicap along with medical problems and had been quite sick to the point that they weren’t sure if she would make it much longer.  Somebody had insensitively said that her child would be much better off in heaven anyway.  This was really painful for the mom although she herself probably thought the same thing at times in the midst of all the pain her child was suffering, but she loved her child and loosing her would be just as painful as loosing a healthy child, every day with that child was precious to her. It was painful to think that others thought this child should be torn from her. I told my friend you should have just told the person who said such an insensitive thing that it would be better for all her healthy children to die and go to heaven too because that’s the truth as well but that’s not how God planned it.  That sounds harsh and that would be insensitive as well, I did not really mean that, but God has every one of us on this earth for a reason. 

I read about this mom who was a slave back in the day and gave her baby poison when he was born to save him from a life of slavery, she couldn’t bare the thought of him being sold and beaten by some owner or even tortured to death and she knew he was better off dying young.  She grieved her child like any mom would, but she did what was best for him in her mind.  Did she do the right thing? I understand why she did it and don’t judge her for it but she had no idea whether her son would be freed and grow up to have a very impactful life, and even if he had a life of suffering it could still be filled with beauty and love in the midst of suffering.

Another mom was describing the pain and emptiness she felt after loosing her daughter. Her daughter had a life of sickness, pain and suffering and she said she would relive all that pain and suffering her daughter had to endure just to see her one more time although she knew that it was selfish and her daughter would never want to go through that pain again. This mom did not have the hope of heaven, but I think those of us who have lost a child can relate to her.  As much as we know that our children are happy in heaven and as much as that brings us comfort we all ache for our children so much that we would do or give anything just to see them again even though we know it is selfish and our children would not want that, they much prefer to wait for us in heaven, I’m glad God spared us that choice. Back to this suffering daughter though, I’m wondering if after she got to heaven and she knew what God knew she also said, that it was worth it all and she would do it all again, she would finish the race and would not pray to have it cut short because after she got to heaven it just seemed like a bit of muscle pain, the reward is well worth the suffering and not just that but she will now see the beauty that God created out of her suffering. God is not pleased with suffering, but it is never wasted, God ALWAYS creates something beautiful out of it.  So not only will our suffering seem like only a bit of muscle pain but it will also be a beautifully crafted part of our life on this earth and we would not want that beautifully crafted piece of our life on this earth missing when we get to heaven.

I know for us parents seeing our children suffer is the worst pain to endure next to having them taken from us in death. My uncle who has a son in heaven said when his son was suffering in the hospital they prayed that God would end his suffering and take him to heaven but when God did they realized they had been completely ignorant as to what they were praying for. I don’t believe that it’s wrong to ask the Lord to take us home when we are sick and on our death bed or to pray that the Lord would end the suffering of our child when they are in pain and dying, in fact the Bible says there is a special crown of righteousness for those who yearn for Jesus to come but we also know that when our children go we are not prepared for the pain, doesn’t matter how much we try to prepare. I did not have that chance though. It was sudden for both, so I really do not have the right to speak to suffering children.

We need to realize that our life on this earth is precious and our children are the most precious possession, although just on loan, we can ever have, lets never take that for granted even in the midst of suffering pain and frustration. Suffering is a part of this world, is it good” no.  Is God pleased with suffering? No.  But he can turn all the suffering into pure gold. Lets also remember that eternity is the focus and destination and if our children get to go early it’s the best day of their life on this earth even though it’s the worse day for us but our best day is coming as well and we will see them again. I love this quote by Tim Keller: God said, “when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know.”

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Feeling Debilitated

Yesterday I was in a conversation with some moms who also had sons in heaven.  One mom asked me if I had felt that I just did not have the strength to make a meal for the family.  I can’t say that I have.  After both deaths I had an even greater desire to take care of the family that was still with me while I still could. I wanted to do things for them and take care of them. Our laundry has never remained undone or meals uncooked. Even the very first day if Angeline would have said I need some laundry done I would have done her laundry, I didn’t have to because I had family around me who jumped at it but I could have. 

I felt a little bad after, both for her and me.  Did that make it sound as if she didn’t love her family that much or did that make it sound as if I did not love my sons as much because their death did not debilitate me but I realize we all grieve differently. One person breaks down and cries uncontrollably after news like this while another person shifts into action mode and does whatever needs to be done and later does not know where they got the strength from. We are all different and there is not one better then the other. Rob Reimer in his book Soul Care writes ‘we are all wired differently, and we all process life through our own set of lenses. What deeply affects one person may not have the same effect on another.’ We are all deeply affected by the death of our sons but not in the same way.

For me work was a distraction.  Getting up and doing something took my mind off things. Very often I didn’t feel like doing anything, but time seemed to be at a standstill and that felt like even greater torture in the beginning, to get up and do something made at least that one-minute pass faster.  I remember one of the first days that we were by ourselves after Tyler went to heaven, I was sitting on the couch. I did not plan to do anything much that day, just relax but sitting on the couch very quickly became torture so I decided to go clean the main bath. I did not try to hurry, I just wanted to do something so the time would not drag.  I got myself a knife and rag and I cleaned every corner and cranny in the bathtub I could find. I never cleaned a bathtub so thoroughly before. When I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it had taken me less then an hour, I could not believe it. I got a broom and swept and mopped the floor, we had a big floor to mop, again I took my time and when I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it wasn’t. I did one more job. I don’t remember what it was and still it wasn’t lunch time and I remember bursting out to Angeline, what is going on, I’m cleaning and I’m trying to make it take long, I’m doing a thorough job and I’ve done more then I usually can get done in one morning and still it isn’t lunch.  Something is not right.

My mind was foggy and all the million things I had wanted to do before just disappeared, I did not even know what they were anymore but the daily things like laundry and cleaning I could do without thinking and I needed to do something so they didn’t really stay behind although they weren’t important to me either so if I had something else I could do they were never a priority during that time but I had so much time on my hand, I couldn’t sleep in so I was up early and needed to keep myself busy. I think it might have been partly because of the way I grew up. 

Growing up I was never allowed to sleep in. That was not even a thing at our house. Seven days a week we got up at 7am.  I worked for my parents until I got married a month before I was 22 and never got paid or even an allowance.  They paid for all my expenses. Six days a week we worked from 7am until 7pm and during haying season from dawn until dusk. I should not say that, I did not have to work from dawn until dusk often, there might be the occasional day, but my parents always made sure we got the rest we needed. If I had to work late, I got to sleep a little longer in the morning and someone else started early.  We lived on a farm and on Sunday we still had to gather eggs, but we took turns, so I just had to do that once a month.  We still spent about an hour feeding and taking care of the animals every Sunday and had to cook and clean up but other then that we had free time although we went to church in the morning. Everyday we sat down at the Kitchen table for breakfast, dinner and supper which gave us a lot of family time. When it was not the busy summer season we would always sit around the table and chat for some time but if there wasn’t enough work that had to be done my parents would make work, like quilting or building in the shop. A lot of our furniture was built in our shop, all the bedding was home-sewn. It was especially important to my parents that their children learned to work hard and not just for a paycheck either so I think this is what instilled in me that work can be a distraction. 

There have been many times after a rough day where I didn’t feel like cooking and we’d order in or go out or just grab something simple to eat or cook altogether. Deciding what to cook has been a huge challenge at times because it required thinking and the meal train that first while was a support beyond words, but we always had a decent meal every day. There have also been times where I did the laundry but did not have the energy to put it away on time and the family had to go grab it in the laundry room when they needed it. 

We all grieve differently and that is okay.  I did not have a lot of energy and I found it hard to do things that required a lot of thinking but the house work for me although not always fun has been instilled in me from a very young age and does not require a lot of thinking but it gave me a distraction and a way to take care of the family I cherished so much. I realized in a new way that they might not always be here. There was no guarantee, I realized that more then ever.

Trust me our house was not always spic and span nor were the dishes always done or the laundry put away, but I have heard moms say they could not get themselves out of bed in the morning or they just could not do the laundry, making a meal was just to much, for me on the other hand, staying in bed was torture, at times I would get up at 4 or 5 am.  I just had to get up and do something because otherwise time seemed to stand still. Right now, with no school for Angeline I try to sleep until 7am at least but I rarely make it, I do make myself stay in bed until 6 though because I know I need the rest.  Same with cleaning or cooking, because we are self employed farmers my main job is to be a stay at home mom so I spend a lot of time at home and because I didn’t feel like doing anything during that worse time and doing nothing was torture I was at times relieved when I had to get up to cook or clean. 

In a sense this might shed a better light on me then those who can’t do it and honestly I am blessed to have grieved in that way with these circumstances but it doesn’t make me any better or stronger, I’ve wished many times that I could sleep in so the day wouldn’t be so long and I would be embarrassed if people saw how lazy I have been many days and how much time I have wasted sitting on the couch doing nothing or even playing games on my phone just so the day would go by faster.  I did not need to go to work but sometimes wished I were forced to.  I had so little energy that I spend way to much time sitting on the couch and needed to get up to cook or clean because it was so depressing but when one chore was done I sat down again because I was so drained only to get up again because doing nothing was worse.

I just read this yesterday, such good words of advice in a time of grief:

My Grandmother once gave me a tip:  In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.  Do what you have to do, but little by little.  Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow. Wash the dishes. Remove the dust. Write a letter. Make a soup. You see? You are advancing step by step. Take a step and stop. Rest a little. Praise yourself. Take another step. Then another. You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more. And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.  –Elena Mikhalkova



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Why Me?

Why Me?

I read a testimony about a lady who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. This is what she says: ‘I had no need to ask, “why me?” and “why now” I prayed….to keep my faith in Jesus as sovereign Lord. I also submitted to His power not only to grant miraculous recovery from illness but as the son of God to give life—eternal life. I knew that Jesus would carry me through the valleys I was about to enter.  

People have asked me if I wondered why me? Why do I have to go through this suffering? Why am I the mother that had to lose not just one but both of my sons. I did not loose them; they just went on ahead but back to the questions. Just a few days after Roderick died Angeline asked the question why and I wrote about it in the post Tough Questions, here is what I wrote back then.

 "Why did this have to happen to Roderick?"  Was the next question she asked in the first few days.

   "Angeline let's not ever ask why but let's just celebrate the 16 years we've had with him.”  I answered my heart going out to her.  I find the one question God does not answer is why.  He gives us many answers but when we start asking ‘why’ there seems to be no answers.  I believe in heaven we will have that answer but by then we won’t really care about the answer anymore.  Pastor Leon said in a recent message “having the wrong belief system in our heart causes us to ask the wrong questions”, I find that to be so true in our journey.

Back then I answered Angeline the first thing that came to my mind and she has not asked the question since although she might have asked it in her head many times I do not know.

I read a testimony about a medical doctor who saw a lot of suffering and began to realize that it seemed a bigger miracle not to have something happen to you, or for your body to function properly then that everything went well with you.  Here is what she said about the question why me? ‘So, the idea of pain and suffering occurring and people asking the question “Why me?” was not part of our narrative. More, the question became, “Why not me? What did I do to deserve this unmerited string of unbroken blessing?”’  Because she saw so much pain and suffering, she learned this before tragedy struck.

I cannot say the same thing for myself. Looking back, I must admit I did not think this would happen to us. We were blessed, we were healthy, and we would remain that way. I knew that bad stuff happens to good people, but I was not exposed to it so I did not think it would, but I also believed that my faith would be enough. I had been taught that if you have faith like a mustard seed then it would happen so I believed that if I had faith that my children would be protected then they would be protected but I had heard enough stories about faith filled people who had gone through a great deal of pain even in the midst of a strong faith and I had enough wisdom that once it did happen instead of asking “why me” I asked “why not me.” Even though I believed that my children would be protected I also believed that Jesus would carry us through any valleys we had go through.                

I remember after Roderick left, I felt sad and missed him so much a moment of self pity would come over me and I would think why? But somehow even before the why was finished came the question “why not me?”  What makes me think I am more undeserving of suffering then all the other moms who go through this? Why do I think I should be immune from suffering when so many people in this world suffer greatly including Jesus who was without sin? I was not without sin and I did not always have a strong faith so I was not undeserving but, in that case, everyone except Jesus would deserve this even the people whose children do not pass away. I knew that I had made many mistakes as a mother, but I also knew that I am a good mother that genuinely loves her children.

Interestingly after Tyler went to heaven, I still thought that way, no longer that it would not happen to us but that it had happened to us. I thought we had our share of suffering now we would be okay for awhile. Surely it would not happen again or if it would not until years later. I remember if I’d deal with fear at night I would think there are very few parents that lose two children at a young age, and if they do, not in the same way so our children should be safe in their rooms now but again after it happened I didn’t ask why but rather why not. 

Now after the second time I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I have dealt with a lot of anxiety, as I posted in the past, it seemed all my rationalizing came to a dead end. Surely not all our children, who knows maybe? I've met a couple who lost four children in a house fire with only their oldest remaining with them because he was with friends and some years later when he was 18 he died in an accident. today they are probably in their sixties with all their children in heaven. I would think surely not at night in the bedroom but who knows maybe? there are still a lot of people out there who've gone through more then us but I have learned in a new way to trust God and I trust him because he is God and I am human and might not be reading him right, also my wisdom is very limited compared to his but I know whatever valley is out there for us to go through he will go with us and with him at our side we can do it and bigger still is the comfort that this will all be made right in eternity when we reach the finish line which is really just the beginning of our life. I am not perfect at it but the more I can trust God the better I can control anxiety.

And so, I have never really asked “why me.” I realized right from the start the better question was “why not me” and that I wanted to serve my Lord and Saviour whatever fiery furnace I needed to go through. Again, it was not God throwing the three men into the fiery furnace, but God used the fiery furnace to burn off the ropes that bound them. Tim Keller says, ‘it is only when suffering comes that you realize who is the true God and what are the false gods of your lives.  Only the true God can go with you through that furnace and out the other side.  The other gods will abandon you in the furnace. Well my self deceptive rationalization was quick to abandon me in the furnace or maybe those were the ropes that were burned in the fire and freed us, I don't know which.

I wish we had made sure that Roderick put that gun back in the office where it belonged every time, then this wouldn’t have happened and in Tyler’s case I have struggled even more and I can now see in hindsight I should not have just asked him how he was feeling but actually asked if he felt suicidal. In a sense wishing that is a form of asking why didn't we but I know I cannot go there and blame myself because I realize that although its true we aren’t perfect and could have done things differently there is not one single mom or dad out there who can do things well enough that their perfection alone  will keep their children alive on this earth and I realize that some of these things are just beyond our understanding but this is another subject for another post altogether.

God has given us so much love and support. I often meditate on the fact that I have so many close friends walking with us always there for us when we need them. I was one of the moms that felt inadequate to understand and help parents going through the loss of a child therefore tended to stay away not knowing what to do or say. This is where I ask “Why me? Why us?”  The love and support we have received from all around has overwhelmed me from the start. I could have never dreamed of all the people that sent love in so many ways.

I was not particularly good with people who had gone through a major tragedy before we went through this experience, at least so I feel, and I do not feel I’m good now either, but I also didn’t have experience.  For this reason, it always amazed me how much support we got right from the start. For Roderick’s service over 900 people came, because he played triple A hockey a big part of that hockey community came. Tyler’s service was not quite that big, but it was a huge service too. Both Roderick and Tyler’s friends stopped by more then once and still do at times. Roderick’s hockey team came by and brought us his Jersey that they had all signed. Both times the meal train had to be extended because so many people wanted to show their support by bringing us a meal. The Roderick Rempel Street Hockey tournament was organized then the Tyler Rempel Board Game café because people wanted to show support. They all knew they could not take the pain away, but they made it more bearable. They showed us we were not in this alone. These are only a few of the many ways God used people to walk with us through this tragedy. This is where I ask the question “Why me?” “Why us?”  We did not deserve this. We had not shown this kind of support to all these people. 



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.