Am I a Stranger

This week I feel a bit like a stranger and am not sure I fit. It makes me a little sad.  Do I need to try to fit in or is this what the hymn As pilgrims and strangers we journey through life talks about? 

Several weeks ago, I started this post, but I did not feel like I could put into words what I was trying to say. Yesterday I did a zoom meeting with a mom’s group and I tend to say things that make no sense to others. It was brought up that worry is often our way of wanting to have some control. Example if a medical test comes back worrisome, we worry about it instead of giving up all control and giving it to God.  I said in some ways it was easier for me because after what happened to our boys, I had no control anymore anyway. I was asked if I did not still worry about my daughter. Yes, I deal with anxiety, I have prayed myself through many nights (when I say I pray myself through the night it does not mean I pray all night and don’t sleep at all, it means I wake up many times throughout one night with anxiety pressing so hard and I pray until I fall asleep again). I often find it hard to explain myself. That is why I blog; I get to explain myself.

At times it is easier for me to give my worries to the Lord because I have lost control altogether and have no other choice. When I wake up at night and worry whether Angeline will be okay or all of us for that matter, I often don’t really have control, I either grab onto the Lord and speak His promises over us, asking him to take control knowing that He loves my loved ones more then I do and will take care of them come what may or my mind goes out of control and I tense up and tremble feeling like somebody’s going to die before morning comes. So, the battle is hard but the decision to go to the Lord is easy. I do not find myself worrying for two hours and then remembering I should have taken this too the Lord, when anxiety comes it comes with such force that I grab onto the Lord right away. Having said that, I do have petty little worries where I waste my time worrying but my perspective has changed a lot and I am quicker to remind myself that those little things are not worth worrying about. 

At times I feel like trying to overcome the trauma, grief and anxiety caused by the pain of the separation from the boys is so constant that I have to keep my eyes on Jesus and eternity all the time, every hard day and every little battle becomes an eternal perspective, when it’s a hard day I tell myself this life is my gift to God and my reward awaits in heaven. When I’m worried about sickness I quickly bring it to the Lord and tell myself the worse thing that can happen is dying but that is the best because then comes heaven and even though there might be suffering and pain in sickness that is only physical and will in heaven seem like just a bit of muscle pain. The only way for me to get through this is to live with one foot in heaven and to keep focused on my eternal reward so at times I find it hard to pull my eyes away from that and relate to the daily struggles of those around me. What friends see as a strength in me is at times just a survival mechanism and I must hold onto it for dear life like wrapping my arms around a pole trying not to slip and fall keeping my eyes on Jesus and heaven finding it hard to even turn my head and see my friends who are enjoying the beach but worrying about what if the water becomes so high that they might have to climb a pole, if they were on the pole like me they would not need to worry is how I feel but really I’m the one who needs to get down and enjoy the beach.

At times I find it hard to relate to people who fear the world ending or worry their baby will not let them sleep again this night.  I want to be kind, I want to be sensitive, I want to smile, I want to allow the Joy of the Lord to constantly overflow in me, I want to help people, I want to live with purpose but it is a battle. I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I need to dare slide down that pole enough to see whether I have footing or not but I am not sure if I can because I might fall or another tsunami might come and drown me but tsunami’s don’t come often probably just once a lifetime so I can’t stay up there all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it. Some days I am thankful how far I have come and other days I feel like I am stuck in survival mode, but I realize that I am not alone in this battle everyone is struggling to fit in.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.