Feeling Debilitated

Yesterday I was in a conversation with some moms who also had sons in heaven.  One mom asked me if I had felt that I just did not have the strength to make a meal for the family.  I can’t say that I have.  After both deaths I had an even greater desire to take care of the family that was still with me while I still could. I wanted to do things for them and take care of them. Our laundry has never remained undone or meals uncooked. Even the very first day if Angeline would have said I need some laundry done I would have done her laundry, I didn’t have to because I had family around me who jumped at it but I could have. 

I felt a little bad after, both for her and me.  Did that make it sound as if she didn’t love her family that much or did that make it sound as if I did not love my sons as much because their death did not debilitate me but I realize we all grieve differently. One person breaks down and cries uncontrollably after news like this while another person shifts into action mode and does whatever needs to be done and later does not know where they got the strength from. We are all different and there is not one better then the other. Rob Reimer in his book Soul Care writes ‘we are all wired differently, and we all process life through our own set of lenses. What deeply affects one person may not have the same effect on another.’ We are all deeply affected by the death of our sons but not in the same way.

For me work was a distraction.  Getting up and doing something took my mind off things. Very often I didn’t feel like doing anything, but time seemed to be at a standstill and that felt like even greater torture in the beginning, to get up and do something made at least that one-minute pass faster.  I remember one of the first days that we were by ourselves after Tyler went to heaven, I was sitting on the couch. I did not plan to do anything much that day, just relax but sitting on the couch very quickly became torture so I decided to go clean the main bath. I did not try to hurry, I just wanted to do something so the time would not drag.  I got myself a knife and rag and I cleaned every corner and cranny in the bathtub I could find. I never cleaned a bathtub so thoroughly before. When I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it had taken me less then an hour, I could not believe it. I got a broom and swept and mopped the floor, we had a big floor to mop, again I took my time and when I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it wasn’t. I did one more job. I don’t remember what it was and still it wasn’t lunch time and I remember bursting out to Angeline, what is going on, I’m cleaning and I’m trying to make it take long, I’m doing a thorough job and I’ve done more then I usually can get done in one morning and still it isn’t lunch.  Something is not right.

My mind was foggy and all the million things I had wanted to do before just disappeared, I did not even know what they were anymore but the daily things like laundry and cleaning I could do without thinking and I needed to do something so they didn’t really stay behind although they weren’t important to me either so if I had something else I could do they were never a priority during that time but I had so much time on my hand, I couldn’t sleep in so I was up early and needed to keep myself busy. I think it might have been partly because of the way I grew up. 

Growing up I was never allowed to sleep in. That was not even a thing at our house. Seven days a week we got up at 7am.  I worked for my parents until I got married a month before I was 22 and never got paid or even an allowance.  They paid for all my expenses. Six days a week we worked from 7am until 7pm and during haying season from dawn until dusk. I should not say that, I did not have to work from dawn until dusk often, there might be the occasional day, but my parents always made sure we got the rest we needed. If I had to work late, I got to sleep a little longer in the morning and someone else started early.  We lived on a farm and on Sunday we still had to gather eggs, but we took turns, so I just had to do that once a month.  We still spent about an hour feeding and taking care of the animals every Sunday and had to cook and clean up but other then that we had free time although we went to church in the morning. Everyday we sat down at the Kitchen table for breakfast, dinner and supper which gave us a lot of family time. When it was not the busy summer season we would always sit around the table and chat for some time but if there wasn’t enough work that had to be done my parents would make work, like quilting or building in the shop. A lot of our furniture was built in our shop, all the bedding was home-sewn. It was especially important to my parents that their children learned to work hard and not just for a paycheck either so I think this is what instilled in me that work can be a distraction. 

There have been many times after a rough day where I didn’t feel like cooking and we’d order in or go out or just grab something simple to eat or cook altogether. Deciding what to cook has been a huge challenge at times because it required thinking and the meal train that first while was a support beyond words, but we always had a decent meal every day. There have also been times where I did the laundry but did not have the energy to put it away on time and the family had to go grab it in the laundry room when they needed it. 

We all grieve differently and that is okay.  I did not have a lot of energy and I found it hard to do things that required a lot of thinking but the house work for me although not always fun has been instilled in me from a very young age and does not require a lot of thinking but it gave me a distraction and a way to take care of the family I cherished so much. I realized in a new way that they might not always be here. There was no guarantee, I realized that more then ever.

Trust me our house was not always spic and span nor were the dishes always done or the laundry put away, but I have heard moms say they could not get themselves out of bed in the morning or they just could not do the laundry, making a meal was just to much, for me on the other hand, staying in bed was torture, at times I would get up at 4 or 5 am.  I just had to get up and do something because otherwise time seemed to stand still. Right now, with no school for Angeline I try to sleep until 7am at least but I rarely make it, I do make myself stay in bed until 6 though because I know I need the rest.  Same with cleaning or cooking, because we are self employed farmers my main job is to be a stay at home mom so I spend a lot of time at home and because I didn’t feel like doing anything during that worse time and doing nothing was torture I was at times relieved when I had to get up to cook or clean. 

In a sense this might shed a better light on me then those who can’t do it and honestly I am blessed to have grieved in that way with these circumstances but it doesn’t make me any better or stronger, I’ve wished many times that I could sleep in so the day wouldn’t be so long and I would be embarrassed if people saw how lazy I have been many days and how much time I have wasted sitting on the couch doing nothing or even playing games on my phone just so the day would go by faster.  I did not need to go to work but sometimes wished I were forced to.  I had so little energy that I spend way to much time sitting on the couch and needed to get up to cook or clean because it was so depressing but when one chore was done I sat down again because I was so drained only to get up again because doing nothing was worse.

I just read this yesterday, such good words of advice in a time of grief:

My Grandmother once gave me a tip:  In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.  Do what you have to do, but little by little.  Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow. Wash the dishes. Remove the dust. Write a letter. Make a soup. You see? You are advancing step by step. Take a step and stop. Rest a little. Praise yourself. Take another step. Then another. You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more. And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.  –Elena Mikhalkova



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.