Why Me?

Why Me?

I read a testimony about a lady who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. This is what she says: ‘I had no need to ask, “why me?” and “why now” I prayed….to keep my faith in Jesus as sovereign Lord. I also submitted to His power not only to grant miraculous recovery from illness but as the son of God to give life—eternal life. I knew that Jesus would carry me through the valleys I was about to enter.  

People have asked me if I wondered why me? Why do I have to go through this suffering? Why am I the mother that had to lose not just one but both of my sons. I did not loose them; they just went on ahead but back to the questions. Just a few days after Roderick died Angeline asked the question why and I wrote about it in the post Tough Questions, here is what I wrote back then.

 "Why did this have to happen to Roderick?"  Was the next question she asked in the first few days.

   "Angeline let's not ever ask why but let's just celebrate the 16 years we've had with him.”  I answered my heart going out to her.  I find the one question God does not answer is why.  He gives us many answers but when we start asking ‘why’ there seems to be no answers.  I believe in heaven we will have that answer but by then we won’t really care about the answer anymore.  Pastor Leon said in a recent message “having the wrong belief system in our heart causes us to ask the wrong questions”, I find that to be so true in our journey.

Back then I answered Angeline the first thing that came to my mind and she has not asked the question since although she might have asked it in her head many times I do not know.

I read a testimony about a medical doctor who saw a lot of suffering and began to realize that it seemed a bigger miracle not to have something happen to you, or for your body to function properly then that everything went well with you.  Here is what she said about the question why me? ‘So, the idea of pain and suffering occurring and people asking the question “Why me?” was not part of our narrative. More, the question became, “Why not me? What did I do to deserve this unmerited string of unbroken blessing?”’  Because she saw so much pain and suffering, she learned this before tragedy struck.

I cannot say the same thing for myself. Looking back, I must admit I did not think this would happen to us. We were blessed, we were healthy, and we would remain that way. I knew that bad stuff happens to good people, but I was not exposed to it so I did not think it would, but I also believed that my faith would be enough. I had been taught that if you have faith like a mustard seed then it would happen so I believed that if I had faith that my children would be protected then they would be protected but I had heard enough stories about faith filled people who had gone through a great deal of pain even in the midst of a strong faith and I had enough wisdom that once it did happen instead of asking “why me” I asked “why not me.” Even though I believed that my children would be protected I also believed that Jesus would carry us through any valleys we had go through.                

I remember after Roderick left, I felt sad and missed him so much a moment of self pity would come over me and I would think why? But somehow even before the why was finished came the question “why not me?”  What makes me think I am more undeserving of suffering then all the other moms who go through this? Why do I think I should be immune from suffering when so many people in this world suffer greatly including Jesus who was without sin? I was not without sin and I did not always have a strong faith so I was not undeserving but, in that case, everyone except Jesus would deserve this even the people whose children do not pass away. I knew that I had made many mistakes as a mother, but I also knew that I am a good mother that genuinely loves her children.

Interestingly after Tyler went to heaven, I still thought that way, no longer that it would not happen to us but that it had happened to us. I thought we had our share of suffering now we would be okay for awhile. Surely it would not happen again or if it would not until years later. I remember if I’d deal with fear at night I would think there are very few parents that lose two children at a young age, and if they do, not in the same way so our children should be safe in their rooms now but again after it happened I didn’t ask why but rather why not. 

Now after the second time I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I have dealt with a lot of anxiety, as I posted in the past, it seemed all my rationalizing came to a dead end. Surely not all our children, who knows maybe? I've met a couple who lost four children in a house fire with only their oldest remaining with them because he was with friends and some years later when he was 18 he died in an accident. today they are probably in their sixties with all their children in heaven. I would think surely not at night in the bedroom but who knows maybe? there are still a lot of people out there who've gone through more then us but I have learned in a new way to trust God and I trust him because he is God and I am human and might not be reading him right, also my wisdom is very limited compared to his but I know whatever valley is out there for us to go through he will go with us and with him at our side we can do it and bigger still is the comfort that this will all be made right in eternity when we reach the finish line which is really just the beginning of our life. I am not perfect at it but the more I can trust God the better I can control anxiety.

And so, I have never really asked “why me.” I realized right from the start the better question was “why not me” and that I wanted to serve my Lord and Saviour whatever fiery furnace I needed to go through. Again, it was not God throwing the three men into the fiery furnace, but God used the fiery furnace to burn off the ropes that bound them. Tim Keller says, ‘it is only when suffering comes that you realize who is the true God and what are the false gods of your lives.  Only the true God can go with you through that furnace and out the other side.  The other gods will abandon you in the furnace. Well my self deceptive rationalization was quick to abandon me in the furnace or maybe those were the ropes that were burned in the fire and freed us, I don't know which.

I wish we had made sure that Roderick put that gun back in the office where it belonged every time, then this wouldn’t have happened and in Tyler’s case I have struggled even more and I can now see in hindsight I should not have just asked him how he was feeling but actually asked if he felt suicidal. In a sense wishing that is a form of asking why didn't we but I know I cannot go there and blame myself because I realize that although its true we aren’t perfect and could have done things differently there is not one single mom or dad out there who can do things well enough that their perfection alone  will keep their children alive on this earth and I realize that some of these things are just beyond our understanding but this is another subject for another post altogether.

God has given us so much love and support. I often meditate on the fact that I have so many close friends walking with us always there for us when we need them. I was one of the moms that felt inadequate to understand and help parents going through the loss of a child therefore tended to stay away not knowing what to do or say. This is where I ask “Why me? Why us?”  The love and support we have received from all around has overwhelmed me from the start. I could have never dreamed of all the people that sent love in so many ways.

I was not particularly good with people who had gone through a major tragedy before we went through this experience, at least so I feel, and I do not feel I’m good now either, but I also didn’t have experience.  For this reason, it always amazed me how much support we got right from the start. For Roderick’s service over 900 people came, because he played triple A hockey a big part of that hockey community came. Tyler’s service was not quite that big, but it was a huge service too. Both Roderick and Tyler’s friends stopped by more then once and still do at times. Roderick’s hockey team came by and brought us his Jersey that they had all signed. Both times the meal train had to be extended because so many people wanted to show their support by bringing us a meal. The Roderick Rempel Street Hockey tournament was organized then the Tyler Rempel Board Game café because people wanted to show support. They all knew they could not take the pain away, but they made it more bearable. They showed us we were not in this alone. These are only a few of the many ways God used people to walk with us through this tragedy. This is where I ask the question “Why me?” “Why us?”  We did not deserve this. We had not shown this kind of support to all these people. 



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.