Not Fair

With the pandemic of Covid 19 being the subject all the time or so it seems the subject of the end of the world has come up several times. My nephew feels that it would not be fair for the young people when the world ends because they would not have a chance to grow up.  He says everyone should get a chance to grow up.  Jake told him whether the world ends or not you are not guaranteed a chance to grow up, but we hear this so much when young people pass away.  Its not fair that they did not get to grow up.  It is not fair that they never get to fall in love or get married or graduate or have children.  It is true that it seems like that to us here on earth, but I think here again we are far overrating earth and underrating heaven. 

Thanks to my amazing Husband who thought of capturing
some of those precious moments

First, why do we overrate earth so much? So many people have a lot of pain to deal with in this life, often pain that comes from bad decisions others made that they could not help.  A lot of people feel life sucks.  Why then do we feel we would be missing out if we had to go young or that my sons are missing out when they left early.  We all agree this life is hard and there is a lot of pain.  Then why is it not fair if our loved ones get to go to eternal peace and happiness early.  Why do we think of all the good things they are missing and completely forget all the pain they are also avoiding?  How can we feel like this world is full of pain and depression and nobody is exempt from it on the one hand but then think the world ending or our children going early is not fair?  Why do we keep saying they should still be here?  Its kind of contradicting itself is it not?

Second, we underrate heaven.  Every milestone they should celebrate here is nothing compared to the celebrations they experience every day in heaven. The loved ones in heaven are quite content up there not just content but happy and joyful, they have no desire to come back although they cheer us on but only because they know what it’s like to cross the finish line not because they wish they were still racing.  I have said this in the past, but I will say it again.  We are missing out, us who are left behind, we miss not seeing them during those occasional happy milestones and it’s painful, but we need to always remember and come back to the truth, they are not missing out. Even though the worst day of my life is the day my son went to heaven, that is what other grieving moms say, I guess I say the two worse days of my life, anyway the worse day for us is actually the best day of their life.  The end of the world is not scary if we believe because growing up in heaven will be far better. 

Okay, so then if this is the truth then all you moms out there whose children are still here should just wish that your children would go as well.  That would make the most sense, right?  Yet even at the thought of it you feel like shutting me up.  I have obviously gone crazy. I often look back and think about the time our three children were little, what if I had known during that time when it was so busy, three babies within three and a half years, busy and overwhelming many times.  Not enough of me to go around.  What if I knew at that time that I only had the boys for 16 years?  What if I knew they would never get married, never have their own family?  I never hesitate a moment, I would still want those 16 years with them. I have asked this question to bring perspective when life is tough. People will sometimes say that with all the pain someone has gone through it would have been better if they had died young, that is painful for me to hear because I know they can only say it if they have never experienced the loss of a child but according to what I just said that is the truth, we would have been better off growing up in heaven, all of us would be better off if we died and went to heaven but this life is our gift to God and its where relationships start.  It is where we find out what good and evil is.  It is where we choose how to handle pain and how to handle happiness. The pain we endure even at its very worse is just a little bit of muscle pain when we compare it to our reward in heaven.  Our life on this earth is precious as well. And so even though I constantly remind myself to keep an eternal perspective knowing my boys are the happiest they will ever be, they don’t miss out, I also remind myself how precious life on this earth and the constant ache in my heart, longing just to be able to see my boys one more time makes me so grateful for the years I had with them but also so grateful for the time I still have with my loved ones that are still here. 

My friend told me of a dear family member she had who was really struggling, I don’t remember exactly what was wrong with her child but she had some kind of severe handicap along with medical problems and had been quite sick to the point that they weren’t sure if she would make it much longer.  Somebody had insensitively said that her child would be much better off in heaven anyway.  This was really painful for the mom although she herself probably thought the same thing at times in the midst of all the pain her child was suffering, but she loved her child and loosing her would be just as painful as loosing a healthy child, every day with that child was precious to her. It was painful to think that others thought this child should be torn from her. I told my friend you should have just told the person who said such an insensitive thing that it would be better for all her healthy children to die and go to heaven too because that’s the truth as well but that’s not how God planned it.  That sounds harsh and that would be insensitive as well, I did not really mean that, but God has every one of us on this earth for a reason. 

I read about this mom who was a slave back in the day and gave her baby poison when he was born to save him from a life of slavery, she couldn’t bare the thought of him being sold and beaten by some owner or even tortured to death and she knew he was better off dying young.  She grieved her child like any mom would, but she did what was best for him in her mind.  Did she do the right thing? I understand why she did it and don’t judge her for it but she had no idea whether her son would be freed and grow up to have a very impactful life, and even if he had a life of suffering it could still be filled with beauty and love in the midst of suffering.

Another mom was describing the pain and emptiness she felt after loosing her daughter. Her daughter had a life of sickness, pain and suffering and she said she would relive all that pain and suffering her daughter had to endure just to see her one more time although she knew that it was selfish and her daughter would never want to go through that pain again. This mom did not have the hope of heaven, but I think those of us who have lost a child can relate to her.  As much as we know that our children are happy in heaven and as much as that brings us comfort we all ache for our children so much that we would do or give anything just to see them again even though we know it is selfish and our children would not want that, they much prefer to wait for us in heaven, I’m glad God spared us that choice. Back to this suffering daughter though, I’m wondering if after she got to heaven and she knew what God knew she also said, that it was worth it all and she would do it all again, she would finish the race and would not pray to have it cut short because after she got to heaven it just seemed like a bit of muscle pain, the reward is well worth the suffering and not just that but she will now see the beauty that God created out of her suffering. God is not pleased with suffering, but it is never wasted, God ALWAYS creates something beautiful out of it.  So not only will our suffering seem like only a bit of muscle pain but it will also be a beautifully crafted part of our life on this earth and we would not want that beautifully crafted piece of our life on this earth missing when we get to heaven.

I know for us parents seeing our children suffer is the worst pain to endure next to having them taken from us in death. My uncle who has a son in heaven said when his son was suffering in the hospital they prayed that God would end his suffering and take him to heaven but when God did they realized they had been completely ignorant as to what they were praying for. I don’t believe that it’s wrong to ask the Lord to take us home when we are sick and on our death bed or to pray that the Lord would end the suffering of our child when they are in pain and dying, in fact the Bible says there is a special crown of righteousness for those who yearn for Jesus to come but we also know that when our children go we are not prepared for the pain, doesn’t matter how much we try to prepare. I did not have that chance though. It was sudden for both, so I really do not have the right to speak to suffering children.

We need to realize that our life on this earth is precious and our children are the most precious possession, although just on loan, we can ever have, lets never take that for granted even in the midst of suffering pain and frustration. Suffering is a part of this world, is it good” no.  Is God pleased with suffering? No.  But he can turn all the suffering into pure gold. Lets also remember that eternity is the focus and destination and if our children get to go early it’s the best day of their life on this earth even though it’s the worse day for us but our best day is coming as well and we will see them again. I love this quote by Tim Keller: God said, “when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know.”

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.