Am I a Stranger

This week I feel a bit like a stranger and am not sure I fit. It makes me a little sad.  Do I need to try to fit in or is this what the hymn As pilgrims and strangers we journey through life talks about? 

Several weeks ago, I started this post, but I did not feel like I could put into words what I was trying to say. Yesterday I did a zoom meeting with a mom’s group and I tend to say things that make no sense to others. It was brought up that worry is often our way of wanting to have some control. Example if a medical test comes back worrisome, we worry about it instead of giving up all control and giving it to God.  I said in some ways it was easier for me because after what happened to our boys, I had no control anymore anyway. I was asked if I did not still worry about my daughter. Yes, I deal with anxiety, I have prayed myself through many nights (when I say I pray myself through the night it does not mean I pray all night and don’t sleep at all, it means I wake up many times throughout one night with anxiety pressing so hard and I pray until I fall asleep again). I often find it hard to explain myself. That is why I blog; I get to explain myself.

At times it is easier for me to give my worries to the Lord because I have lost control altogether and have no other choice. When I wake up at night and worry whether Angeline will be okay or all of us for that matter, I often don’t really have control, I either grab onto the Lord and speak His promises over us, asking him to take control knowing that He loves my loved ones more then I do and will take care of them come what may or my mind goes out of control and I tense up and tremble feeling like somebody’s going to die before morning comes. So, the battle is hard but the decision to go to the Lord is easy. I do not find myself worrying for two hours and then remembering I should have taken this too the Lord, when anxiety comes it comes with such force that I grab onto the Lord right away. Having said that, I do have petty little worries where I waste my time worrying but my perspective has changed a lot and I am quicker to remind myself that those little things are not worth worrying about. 

At times I feel like trying to overcome the trauma, grief and anxiety caused by the pain of the separation from the boys is so constant that I have to keep my eyes on Jesus and eternity all the time, every hard day and every little battle becomes an eternal perspective, when it’s a hard day I tell myself this life is my gift to God and my reward awaits in heaven. When I’m worried about sickness I quickly bring it to the Lord and tell myself the worse thing that can happen is dying but that is the best because then comes heaven and even though there might be suffering and pain in sickness that is only physical and will in heaven seem like just a bit of muscle pain. The only way for me to get through this is to live with one foot in heaven and to keep focused on my eternal reward so at times I find it hard to pull my eyes away from that and relate to the daily struggles of those around me. What friends see as a strength in me is at times just a survival mechanism and I must hold onto it for dear life like wrapping my arms around a pole trying not to slip and fall keeping my eyes on Jesus and heaven finding it hard to even turn my head and see my friends who are enjoying the beach but worrying about what if the water becomes so high that they might have to climb a pole, if they were on the pole like me they would not need to worry is how I feel but really I’m the one who needs to get down and enjoy the beach.

At times I find it hard to relate to people who fear the world ending or worry their baby will not let them sleep again this night.  I want to be kind, I want to be sensitive, I want to smile, I want to allow the Joy of the Lord to constantly overflow in me, I want to help people, I want to live with purpose but it is a battle. I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I need to dare slide down that pole enough to see whether I have footing or not but I am not sure if I can because I might fall or another tsunami might come and drown me but tsunami’s don’t come often probably just once a lifetime so I can’t stay up there all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it. Some days I am thankful how far I have come and other days I feel like I am stuck in survival mode, but I realize that I am not alone in this battle everyone is struggling to fit in.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Not Fair

With the pandemic of Covid 19 being the subject all the time or so it seems the subject of the end of the world has come up several times. My nephew feels that it would not be fair for the young people when the world ends because they would not have a chance to grow up.  He says everyone should get a chance to grow up.  Jake told him whether the world ends or not you are not guaranteed a chance to grow up, but we hear this so much when young people pass away.  Its not fair that they did not get to grow up.  It is not fair that they never get to fall in love or get married or graduate or have children.  It is true that it seems like that to us here on earth, but I think here again we are far overrating earth and underrating heaven. 

Thanks to my amazing Husband who thought of capturing
some of those precious moments

First, why do we overrate earth so much? So many people have a lot of pain to deal with in this life, often pain that comes from bad decisions others made that they could not help.  A lot of people feel life sucks.  Why then do we feel we would be missing out if we had to go young or that my sons are missing out when they left early.  We all agree this life is hard and there is a lot of pain.  Then why is it not fair if our loved ones get to go to eternal peace and happiness early.  Why do we think of all the good things they are missing and completely forget all the pain they are also avoiding?  How can we feel like this world is full of pain and depression and nobody is exempt from it on the one hand but then think the world ending or our children going early is not fair?  Why do we keep saying they should still be here?  Its kind of contradicting itself is it not?

Second, we underrate heaven.  Every milestone they should celebrate here is nothing compared to the celebrations they experience every day in heaven. The loved ones in heaven are quite content up there not just content but happy and joyful, they have no desire to come back although they cheer us on but only because they know what it’s like to cross the finish line not because they wish they were still racing.  I have said this in the past, but I will say it again.  We are missing out, us who are left behind, we miss not seeing them during those occasional happy milestones and it’s painful, but we need to always remember and come back to the truth, they are not missing out. Even though the worst day of my life is the day my son went to heaven, that is what other grieving moms say, I guess I say the two worse days of my life, anyway the worse day for us is actually the best day of their life.  The end of the world is not scary if we believe because growing up in heaven will be far better. 

Okay, so then if this is the truth then all you moms out there whose children are still here should just wish that your children would go as well.  That would make the most sense, right?  Yet even at the thought of it you feel like shutting me up.  I have obviously gone crazy. I often look back and think about the time our three children were little, what if I had known during that time when it was so busy, three babies within three and a half years, busy and overwhelming many times.  Not enough of me to go around.  What if I knew at that time that I only had the boys for 16 years?  What if I knew they would never get married, never have their own family?  I never hesitate a moment, I would still want those 16 years with them. I have asked this question to bring perspective when life is tough. People will sometimes say that with all the pain someone has gone through it would have been better if they had died young, that is painful for me to hear because I know they can only say it if they have never experienced the loss of a child but according to what I just said that is the truth, we would have been better off growing up in heaven, all of us would be better off if we died and went to heaven but this life is our gift to God and its where relationships start.  It is where we find out what good and evil is.  It is where we choose how to handle pain and how to handle happiness. The pain we endure even at its very worse is just a little bit of muscle pain when we compare it to our reward in heaven.  Our life on this earth is precious as well. And so even though I constantly remind myself to keep an eternal perspective knowing my boys are the happiest they will ever be, they don’t miss out, I also remind myself how precious life on this earth and the constant ache in my heart, longing just to be able to see my boys one more time makes me so grateful for the years I had with them but also so grateful for the time I still have with my loved ones that are still here. 

My friend told me of a dear family member she had who was really struggling, I don’t remember exactly what was wrong with her child but she had some kind of severe handicap along with medical problems and had been quite sick to the point that they weren’t sure if she would make it much longer.  Somebody had insensitively said that her child would be much better off in heaven anyway.  This was really painful for the mom although she herself probably thought the same thing at times in the midst of all the pain her child was suffering, but she loved her child and loosing her would be just as painful as loosing a healthy child, every day with that child was precious to her. It was painful to think that others thought this child should be torn from her. I told my friend you should have just told the person who said such an insensitive thing that it would be better for all her healthy children to die and go to heaven too because that’s the truth as well but that’s not how God planned it.  That sounds harsh and that would be insensitive as well, I did not really mean that, but God has every one of us on this earth for a reason. 

I read about this mom who was a slave back in the day and gave her baby poison when he was born to save him from a life of slavery, she couldn’t bare the thought of him being sold and beaten by some owner or even tortured to death and she knew he was better off dying young.  She grieved her child like any mom would, but she did what was best for him in her mind.  Did she do the right thing? I understand why she did it and don’t judge her for it but she had no idea whether her son would be freed and grow up to have a very impactful life, and even if he had a life of suffering it could still be filled with beauty and love in the midst of suffering.

Another mom was describing the pain and emptiness she felt after loosing her daughter. Her daughter had a life of sickness, pain and suffering and she said she would relive all that pain and suffering her daughter had to endure just to see her one more time although she knew that it was selfish and her daughter would never want to go through that pain again. This mom did not have the hope of heaven, but I think those of us who have lost a child can relate to her.  As much as we know that our children are happy in heaven and as much as that brings us comfort we all ache for our children so much that we would do or give anything just to see them again even though we know it is selfish and our children would not want that, they much prefer to wait for us in heaven, I’m glad God spared us that choice. Back to this suffering daughter though, I’m wondering if after she got to heaven and she knew what God knew she also said, that it was worth it all and she would do it all again, she would finish the race and would not pray to have it cut short because after she got to heaven it just seemed like a bit of muscle pain, the reward is well worth the suffering and not just that but she will now see the beauty that God created out of her suffering. God is not pleased with suffering, but it is never wasted, God ALWAYS creates something beautiful out of it.  So not only will our suffering seem like only a bit of muscle pain but it will also be a beautifully crafted part of our life on this earth and we would not want that beautifully crafted piece of our life on this earth missing when we get to heaven.

I know for us parents seeing our children suffer is the worst pain to endure next to having them taken from us in death. My uncle who has a son in heaven said when his son was suffering in the hospital they prayed that God would end his suffering and take him to heaven but when God did they realized they had been completely ignorant as to what they were praying for. I don’t believe that it’s wrong to ask the Lord to take us home when we are sick and on our death bed or to pray that the Lord would end the suffering of our child when they are in pain and dying, in fact the Bible says there is a special crown of righteousness for those who yearn for Jesus to come but we also know that when our children go we are not prepared for the pain, doesn’t matter how much we try to prepare. I did not have that chance though. It was sudden for both, so I really do not have the right to speak to suffering children.

We need to realize that our life on this earth is precious and our children are the most precious possession, although just on loan, we can ever have, lets never take that for granted even in the midst of suffering pain and frustration. Suffering is a part of this world, is it good” no.  Is God pleased with suffering? No.  But he can turn all the suffering into pure gold. Lets also remember that eternity is the focus and destination and if our children get to go early it’s the best day of their life on this earth even though it’s the worse day for us but our best day is coming as well and we will see them again. I love this quote by Tim Keller: God said, “when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know.”

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Feeling Debilitated

Yesterday I was in a conversation with some moms who also had sons in heaven.  One mom asked me if I had felt that I just did not have the strength to make a meal for the family.  I can’t say that I have.  After both deaths I had an even greater desire to take care of the family that was still with me while I still could. I wanted to do things for them and take care of them. Our laundry has never remained undone or meals uncooked. Even the very first day if Angeline would have said I need some laundry done I would have done her laundry, I didn’t have to because I had family around me who jumped at it but I could have. 

I felt a little bad after, both for her and me.  Did that make it sound as if she didn’t love her family that much or did that make it sound as if I did not love my sons as much because their death did not debilitate me but I realize we all grieve differently. One person breaks down and cries uncontrollably after news like this while another person shifts into action mode and does whatever needs to be done and later does not know where they got the strength from. We are all different and there is not one better then the other. Rob Reimer in his book Soul Care writes ‘we are all wired differently, and we all process life through our own set of lenses. What deeply affects one person may not have the same effect on another.’ We are all deeply affected by the death of our sons but not in the same way.

For me work was a distraction.  Getting up and doing something took my mind off things. Very often I didn’t feel like doing anything, but time seemed to be at a standstill and that felt like even greater torture in the beginning, to get up and do something made at least that one-minute pass faster.  I remember one of the first days that we were by ourselves after Tyler went to heaven, I was sitting on the couch. I did not plan to do anything much that day, just relax but sitting on the couch very quickly became torture so I decided to go clean the main bath. I did not try to hurry, I just wanted to do something so the time would not drag.  I got myself a knife and rag and I cleaned every corner and cranny in the bathtub I could find. I never cleaned a bathtub so thoroughly before. When I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it had taken me less then an hour, I could not believe it. I got a broom and swept and mopped the floor, we had a big floor to mop, again I took my time and when I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it wasn’t. I did one more job. I don’t remember what it was and still it wasn’t lunch time and I remember bursting out to Angeline, what is going on, I’m cleaning and I’m trying to make it take long, I’m doing a thorough job and I’ve done more then I usually can get done in one morning and still it isn’t lunch.  Something is not right.

My mind was foggy and all the million things I had wanted to do before just disappeared, I did not even know what they were anymore but the daily things like laundry and cleaning I could do without thinking and I needed to do something so they didn’t really stay behind although they weren’t important to me either so if I had something else I could do they were never a priority during that time but I had so much time on my hand, I couldn’t sleep in so I was up early and needed to keep myself busy. I think it might have been partly because of the way I grew up. 

Growing up I was never allowed to sleep in. That was not even a thing at our house. Seven days a week we got up at 7am.  I worked for my parents until I got married a month before I was 22 and never got paid or even an allowance.  They paid for all my expenses. Six days a week we worked from 7am until 7pm and during haying season from dawn until dusk. I should not say that, I did not have to work from dawn until dusk often, there might be the occasional day, but my parents always made sure we got the rest we needed. If I had to work late, I got to sleep a little longer in the morning and someone else started early.  We lived on a farm and on Sunday we still had to gather eggs, but we took turns, so I just had to do that once a month.  We still spent about an hour feeding and taking care of the animals every Sunday and had to cook and clean up but other then that we had free time although we went to church in the morning. Everyday we sat down at the Kitchen table for breakfast, dinner and supper which gave us a lot of family time. When it was not the busy summer season we would always sit around the table and chat for some time but if there wasn’t enough work that had to be done my parents would make work, like quilting or building in the shop. A lot of our furniture was built in our shop, all the bedding was home-sewn. It was especially important to my parents that their children learned to work hard and not just for a paycheck either so I think this is what instilled in me that work can be a distraction. 

There have been many times after a rough day where I didn’t feel like cooking and we’d order in or go out or just grab something simple to eat or cook altogether. Deciding what to cook has been a huge challenge at times because it required thinking and the meal train that first while was a support beyond words, but we always had a decent meal every day. There have also been times where I did the laundry but did not have the energy to put it away on time and the family had to go grab it in the laundry room when they needed it. 

We all grieve differently and that is okay.  I did not have a lot of energy and I found it hard to do things that required a lot of thinking but the house work for me although not always fun has been instilled in me from a very young age and does not require a lot of thinking but it gave me a distraction and a way to take care of the family I cherished so much. I realized in a new way that they might not always be here. There was no guarantee, I realized that more then ever.

Trust me our house was not always spic and span nor were the dishes always done or the laundry put away, but I have heard moms say they could not get themselves out of bed in the morning or they just could not do the laundry, making a meal was just to much, for me on the other hand, staying in bed was torture, at times I would get up at 4 or 5 am.  I just had to get up and do something because otherwise time seemed to stand still. Right now, with no school for Angeline I try to sleep until 7am at least but I rarely make it, I do make myself stay in bed until 6 though because I know I need the rest.  Same with cleaning or cooking, because we are self employed farmers my main job is to be a stay at home mom so I spend a lot of time at home and because I didn’t feel like doing anything during that worse time and doing nothing was torture I was at times relieved when I had to get up to cook or clean. 

In a sense this might shed a better light on me then those who can’t do it and honestly I am blessed to have grieved in that way with these circumstances but it doesn’t make me any better or stronger, I’ve wished many times that I could sleep in so the day wouldn’t be so long and I would be embarrassed if people saw how lazy I have been many days and how much time I have wasted sitting on the couch doing nothing or even playing games on my phone just so the day would go by faster.  I did not need to go to work but sometimes wished I were forced to.  I had so little energy that I spend way to much time sitting on the couch and needed to get up to cook or clean because it was so depressing but when one chore was done I sat down again because I was so drained only to get up again because doing nothing was worse.

I just read this yesterday, such good words of advice in a time of grief:

My Grandmother once gave me a tip:  In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.  Do what you have to do, but little by little.  Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow. Wash the dishes. Remove the dust. Write a letter. Make a soup. You see? You are advancing step by step. Take a step and stop. Rest a little. Praise yourself. Take another step. Then another. You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more. And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.  –Elena Mikhalkova



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Why Me?

Why Me?

I read a testimony about a lady who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. This is what she says: ‘I had no need to ask, “why me?” and “why now” I prayed….to keep my faith in Jesus as sovereign Lord. I also submitted to His power not only to grant miraculous recovery from illness but as the son of God to give life—eternal life. I knew that Jesus would carry me through the valleys I was about to enter.  

People have asked me if I wondered why me? Why do I have to go through this suffering? Why am I the mother that had to lose not just one but both of my sons. I did not loose them; they just went on ahead but back to the questions. Just a few days after Roderick died Angeline asked the question why and I wrote about it in the post Tough Questions, here is what I wrote back then.

 "Why did this have to happen to Roderick?"  Was the next question she asked in the first few days.

   "Angeline let's not ever ask why but let's just celebrate the 16 years we've had with him.”  I answered my heart going out to her.  I find the one question God does not answer is why.  He gives us many answers but when we start asking ‘why’ there seems to be no answers.  I believe in heaven we will have that answer but by then we won’t really care about the answer anymore.  Pastor Leon said in a recent message “having the wrong belief system in our heart causes us to ask the wrong questions”, I find that to be so true in our journey.

Back then I answered Angeline the first thing that came to my mind and she has not asked the question since although she might have asked it in her head many times I do not know.

I read a testimony about a medical doctor who saw a lot of suffering and began to realize that it seemed a bigger miracle not to have something happen to you, or for your body to function properly then that everything went well with you.  Here is what she said about the question why me? ‘So, the idea of pain and suffering occurring and people asking the question “Why me?” was not part of our narrative. More, the question became, “Why not me? What did I do to deserve this unmerited string of unbroken blessing?”’  Because she saw so much pain and suffering, she learned this before tragedy struck.

I cannot say the same thing for myself. Looking back, I must admit I did not think this would happen to us. We were blessed, we were healthy, and we would remain that way. I knew that bad stuff happens to good people, but I was not exposed to it so I did not think it would, but I also believed that my faith would be enough. I had been taught that if you have faith like a mustard seed then it would happen so I believed that if I had faith that my children would be protected then they would be protected but I had heard enough stories about faith filled people who had gone through a great deal of pain even in the midst of a strong faith and I had enough wisdom that once it did happen instead of asking “why me” I asked “why not me.” Even though I believed that my children would be protected I also believed that Jesus would carry us through any valleys we had go through.                

I remember after Roderick left, I felt sad and missed him so much a moment of self pity would come over me and I would think why? But somehow even before the why was finished came the question “why not me?”  What makes me think I am more undeserving of suffering then all the other moms who go through this? Why do I think I should be immune from suffering when so many people in this world suffer greatly including Jesus who was without sin? I was not without sin and I did not always have a strong faith so I was not undeserving but, in that case, everyone except Jesus would deserve this even the people whose children do not pass away. I knew that I had made many mistakes as a mother, but I also knew that I am a good mother that genuinely loves her children.

Interestingly after Tyler went to heaven, I still thought that way, no longer that it would not happen to us but that it had happened to us. I thought we had our share of suffering now we would be okay for awhile. Surely it would not happen again or if it would not until years later. I remember if I’d deal with fear at night I would think there are very few parents that lose two children at a young age, and if they do, not in the same way so our children should be safe in their rooms now but again after it happened I didn’t ask why but rather why not. 

Now after the second time I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I have dealt with a lot of anxiety, as I posted in the past, it seemed all my rationalizing came to a dead end. Surely not all our children, who knows maybe? I've met a couple who lost four children in a house fire with only their oldest remaining with them because he was with friends and some years later when he was 18 he died in an accident. today they are probably in their sixties with all their children in heaven. I would think surely not at night in the bedroom but who knows maybe? there are still a lot of people out there who've gone through more then us but I have learned in a new way to trust God and I trust him because he is God and I am human and might not be reading him right, also my wisdom is very limited compared to his but I know whatever valley is out there for us to go through he will go with us and with him at our side we can do it and bigger still is the comfort that this will all be made right in eternity when we reach the finish line which is really just the beginning of our life. I am not perfect at it but the more I can trust God the better I can control anxiety.

And so, I have never really asked “why me.” I realized right from the start the better question was “why not me” and that I wanted to serve my Lord and Saviour whatever fiery furnace I needed to go through. Again, it was not God throwing the three men into the fiery furnace, but God used the fiery furnace to burn off the ropes that bound them. Tim Keller says, ‘it is only when suffering comes that you realize who is the true God and what are the false gods of your lives.  Only the true God can go with you through that furnace and out the other side.  The other gods will abandon you in the furnace. Well my self deceptive rationalization was quick to abandon me in the furnace or maybe those were the ropes that were burned in the fire and freed us, I don't know which.

I wish we had made sure that Roderick put that gun back in the office where it belonged every time, then this wouldn’t have happened and in Tyler’s case I have struggled even more and I can now see in hindsight I should not have just asked him how he was feeling but actually asked if he felt suicidal. In a sense wishing that is a form of asking why didn't we but I know I cannot go there and blame myself because I realize that although its true we aren’t perfect and could have done things differently there is not one single mom or dad out there who can do things well enough that their perfection alone  will keep their children alive on this earth and I realize that some of these things are just beyond our understanding but this is another subject for another post altogether.

God has given us so much love and support. I often meditate on the fact that I have so many close friends walking with us always there for us when we need them. I was one of the moms that felt inadequate to understand and help parents going through the loss of a child therefore tended to stay away not knowing what to do or say. This is where I ask “Why me? Why us?”  The love and support we have received from all around has overwhelmed me from the start. I could have never dreamed of all the people that sent love in so many ways.

I was not particularly good with people who had gone through a major tragedy before we went through this experience, at least so I feel, and I do not feel I’m good now either, but I also didn’t have experience.  For this reason, it always amazed me how much support we got right from the start. For Roderick’s service over 900 people came, because he played triple A hockey a big part of that hockey community came. Tyler’s service was not quite that big, but it was a huge service too. Both Roderick and Tyler’s friends stopped by more then once and still do at times. Roderick’s hockey team came by and brought us his Jersey that they had all signed. Both times the meal train had to be extended because so many people wanted to show their support by bringing us a meal. The Roderick Rempel Street Hockey tournament was organized then the Tyler Rempel Board Game café because people wanted to show support. They all knew they could not take the pain away, but they made it more bearable. They showed us we were not in this alone. These are only a few of the many ways God used people to walk with us through this tragedy. This is where I ask the question “Why me?” “Why us?”  We did not deserve this. We had not shown this kind of support to all these people. 



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Christ Suffered for Us

Christ Suffered for Us

Ouch, quite the sunburn

Jesus says nobody took his life, he lay it down for us but what happened to him was evil, the men who condemned him and crucified him were responsible for their actions.  They were not some robots doing to Jesus what God had planned for them to do yet Jesus told Pilate he had no power except what was given him by God. This is one of the mysteries of God. He can use evil to fulfill His purpose even though that evil is not His will or His doing.  Christ suffering clarified my own suffering a little more this Easter. I do not want to even pretend that our suffering came close to Jesus suffering. Ours is only a bit of muscle pain compared to his, but let me imagine what it was like for Jesus mother if I had been her and Jesus were my son. I have seen his power to heal and do miracles. I have heard the incredible wisdom he speaks with, his amazing character. I am thinking he will become a great leader. More and more people are flocking to hear him. There is no one like him. I imagine that he will bring about a revival like none other for Israel if everyone listens to him and follows his lead. 

But then, there I am at the cross with only a of few of his disciples the rest are where? And I hear people say, “I’ve had it with this God. How could he abandon the best man we have ever seen? I don’t see how God could bring any good out of this.”  What would I say in that moment? I’d probably agree first I had watch them torture my son until he was almost dead and now I was watching him slowly die hanging on a cross, oh the excruciating pain that would cause a mother, and yet I am looking at the greatest, most amazing thing God could ever do for the human race.  In that moment justice and love are being satisfied; evil, sin, and death are being defeated once and for all but because I cannot fit it into my own limited understanding, I am in danger of walking away from God.  How could he make my son suffer so?

Now let us reduce that experience to my experience or let us compare it to Joseph rather.  All the suffering he faced only to save many lives later and be a great leader. The separation of our sons is not good, its hard and we do not see any good in it. But what if God looked twenty years ahead and saw something like Joseph as a great leader with influence standing before his brothers saving his now large extended family. United and one nation. It never would have happened without the suffering Joseph endured. Likewise that gun or that helium would have had no power to kill unless it was given the power from above but what we will see 20 years from now in our family or maybe even far more then our family will be different then what it would have been without this suffering and I'm believing that it will be beautiful. That does not make it right just like it did not make it right for the people who sold Joseph or threw him in prison innocently. 

When Shadrach Meshach and Abednego were told to bow to the king’s image this is what they answered, Daniel 3:17-18 Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you set up.  This is what Tim Keller says in his book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering:  On the one hand, they express a strong belief that God not only is able to rescue them but actually will rescue them. But then we are puzzled by their next sentence, beginning “But if not.”  If they are confident in God, why would they even admit the possibility of not being delivered?  The answer is that their confidence was actually in God, not in their limited understanding of what they thought he would do. They had inner assurance that God would rescue them. However, they were not so arrogant as to be sure they were “reading God right.”  They knew that God was under no obligation to operate according to their limited wisdom.  In other words, their confidence was in God himself, not in some agenda that they wanted God to promote.  They trusted in God, and that included trust that he knew better than they what should happen.  So, they were essentially saying this: We will serve him whether he conforms to our wisdom or not.  We do not defy you because we think we are going to live—we defy you because our God is God.

I have to say I was arrogant enough that I believed God would protect my children if I had faith and that I would see them grow up, I thought “I was reading God right.” but after it happened I was humble enough to realize that God was under no obligation to operate according to my limited wisdom and I chose to trust God anyway therefore whether they lived on this earth or not I would serve and believe God.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

In a Bubble

In a Bubble

In a Bubble

Its been quite the month.  When all this started I rejoiced that Angeline would be at home for three weeks over spring break rather then one week but after so many things seemed to happen in a week, school closed, all social events closed, all entertainment closed it seemed things were changing to fast, I was beginning to feel a bit down, not scared or fearful but it seemed my mood was just being pressed down a bit.  It all happened the same week which marked the anniversary of Roderick’s passing and Tyler’s birthday which is a bit of a heavy week anyway.  Angeline works as a cashier at a grocery store so her job won’t stop which is a good thing, I knew that she would need to get out of the house a bit from time to time.  A couple of times I felt a little anxiety thinking what if Angeline catches the virus due to working as a cashier and what if hers were one of the rare cases that was fatal.  I could not loose another child. 

 One morning I thought of Revelations and what if the end of the earth is here.  I don’t believe that this is the end of the world but at the same time it brought me joy, not the thought of people dying but the thought of this world ending, pain and suffering gone and eternal joy beginning.  We even talked about it and agreed if we could all three of us go together it would be the best thing ever.  I know that you have a million reasons why that wouldn’t be a good thing, there could be a lot of suffering before, perilous times come and so on, I realize that and I don’t wish death on any family but just the thought of all of us being able to go to heaven.  It seems we could endure quite a bit of hardships if we only knew it would end in bliss.  What I’m trying to say is the thought of this world of pain ending and all of us living in eternal bliss together with the ones who’ve gone on before that is a joyful thought.

Since then I’ve felt peace, I’ve even found a renewed peace in the fact that we might not all die at the same time.  As I’ve said before I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety over Angeline and feeling like we could not loose our daughter in any way, there’s no way we could survive that again while at the same time knowing more then ever that we don’t know if we will have her tomorrow, there is no guarantee.  I’ve asked God to let me stay longer because Angeline and Jake cannot handle anymore pain.  I still want that, I know in light of eternity our life down here is a small price to pay and I want to stick around a bit longer to help my daughter in any way I can but I also know that if Angeline gets to go home at a young age I can endure that and rejoice with her for entering eternal bliss and I can still survive and give my life here on earth to God as long as God wants me here because the death rate so far is %100 we all get to go into eternity eventually.  I’m also assured that if I go first Angeline will be fine.  God will take care of her even if I’m not here (as I’m saying this I’m not a hundred percent sure I mean it but even so, it’s the truth), it will be painful for a bit, but God will take care of her.  And we will be reunited. 

In a Bubble

I feel like this whole corona virus thing shows me that God truly has the final authority in this world.  I know that is how it is in our home, with the boys going to heaven we have no choice but to put our faith in God in order to endure but the rest of the world seemed to think that they the people had the world under control.  Now I don’t mean all of you, I have amazing Godly friends and there are many of them on this earth, but I mean the world as a whole.  Now I feel like God is showing the whole world that He is the final authority not so much by the creation of the virus but healing or ending it.  The whole world is affected and even the most powerful nations have no control over it unless their people obey and listen to authority and even then with all the efforts of social distancing it’s still very hard to know what the future holds and how long we’ll deal with this.  I’m not trying to say that sickness and death is a good thing and that I’m glad for it.  My heart goes out to every sick person and especially to all who have lost loved ones, but I feel a peace in the authority of my Savior.  I believe a lot of good will come out of this crisis and I’m excited to see what the Lord will do.

Jake and I listened to Pastor Greg Laurie’s message yesterday.  This is what he said “the devil may have thought I’ll cause anxiety by shutting down business, schools, sports events, restaurants and most importantly live worship services but then the Lord would say in response, I’ll bring together neighbors and restore the family unit, I’ll bring dinner back to the kitchen table, I’ll help people to slow down their lives and appreciate what really matters, I’ll teach my children to rely on me and not the world.  I’ll teach my children to trust me and not their money and material possessions finally I’ll teach families to read the Bible and pray together again.

God is still in control in our lives but only if we allow Him to be.  I am one of the people who have learned to trust God even more through all of this.  I feel like God has put our family in this bubble.  The storm is raging but it can’t touch us.  I don’t mean that we are immune to the corona virus or that we won’t get sick.  I hope we won’t but what I mean is while so many out there are scrambling, nervous and even scared, I feel at peace and know that we are in the hands of our loving Savior who cares so deeply for us.  That doesn’t mean that it’s not lonely at times and a bit depressing to stay home so much but I can always come back to the loving arms of my Savior at peace and O so grateful that we are altogether as a family safe in the bubble while the storm rages.  Whatever may be ahead He will not leave us for a single second. 



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Woe is me

Woe is Me!

If you have been blessed  and haven’t had to go through the pain of loosing someone very close to you at an early age, don’t feel you have to back off, you are a blessing to us who’ve been through that kind of loss.  And honestly those are the friends who have encouraged me the most, the ones who haven’t lost their own children and understand that they can never fully understand what I’m going through but they listen and try to understand, and although its true and I can say from experience that, we do not know what it’s like when one of our children passes from this life into eternity until it happens to us, it’s also true that any normal mom who loves her children knows that it would be horribly hard, in fact it seems impossible to those who haven’t been there yet for us who are there it is possible and so for me to be stuck in the illusion that no one understands who hasn’t been there is just totally unreasonable.  I’ve found that the encouragement and the admiration of the positive moms who haven’t been through this has been much more helpful then the pity of moms who know what it is.  That doesn’t mean that I do not feel encouraged by parents who have lost a child and come through victoriously, I admire them, they are an amazing encouragement but we don’t want pity we want encouragement and admiration.  Is admiration the right word? I’m not sure, it might seem a little cocky to desire admiration but its encouraging when people notice our strength and determination to walk through this victoriously even though we fail at it many times.  I’ve noticed this in Angeline as well.  She doesn’t want pity.  I’ve heard others say this who’ve lost loved ones and I agree it is hard to be around people who have a woe is me attitude when loosing a loved one. 

I have also found that us who have children in heaven, we want to talk about it.  Not necessarily always about our children in heaven but often about the pain and suffering we go through.  And so it has at times been hard for me especially in the beginning to talk with moms who are in the midst of grief because we both want to talk and be understood, now I know that seems selfish and I need to learn to listen even in the midst of my own grief which I’m trying to do and is easier at this point already, but I’m saying this to thank all of you who were willing to come over again and again to listen to me.  Even though you haven’t experienced this you wanted to know what we were going through and how we coped but especially also how God in His love came to comfort us, those are the experiences that I love to talk about the most.  How God sent dreams and revealed His great love in so many ways, as well as revelations and imaginations about heaven and my sons’ lives up there now.  I find that I have many friends who really want to know how I’m doing it and what makes it possible for me.  Being able to talk about how God is helping us through helps me go through the dark days.  Every time I get to share our victories I’m just filled with gratitude for what God has done for us in the midst of our pain, it helps me to believe that the sun will shine again, this will eventually be able to be something beautiful like gold purified by fire.  God will work it out for good and we will become better for it. 

And so I would like to encourage all of you out there, don’t be afraid to walk with someone who is going through suffering, its true some aren’t open to it and have a woe is me attitude so if they are upset at you wanting to walk with them thinking you can never understand them don’t let that make you feel like you’ll never try again.  Don’t be afraid to ask how we are doing it. 

And to us moms who are grieving let’s not do it with a woe is me attitude.  We are not the one and only group of people that has been hurt so bad by the lost of our son or daughter that no one can understand or help us.  There are many people on this earth who go through much more pain.  We have a lot to be thankful for especially if we have the confidence that our children are in heaven where they are surrounded by peace, love and happiness in the presence of our Savior who didn’t just bear them in his body like we did in our womb but he’s the one who meticulously formed them in our womb and created them.  He is well able to take care of them and we know we will see them again. 

Just a quick disclaimer before I end this post, to those of you who’ve seen me at my worst, I’ll admit I have had times where I’ve had a woe is me attitude, I’m not trying to have a holier then thou attitude here, but please don’t back off.  Give me some grace in those times, I will try my best to be the person I claim to be.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.