Focusing on Truth

At times we can get caught up in fighting the devil constantly. We talk about all the lies that he puts in our minds, lies like it’s our fault that our son died, or if only I had done this, or if only the doctor had done things different he would still be here.  We are just focused on all the things the devil throws our way. The Bible says resist the devil and he will flee from us. It says he will flee so why then do we sometimes spend all day and all week and always fighting the devil is it maybe because we are focused on the lies and just resisting them without using the truth in return. If we have our shield of faith ready and with confidence hold it up and every dart just hits the shield the devil does flee, he hates a fight where he loses every time. We say the devil puts these lies in our mind and we cannot listen to him, but do we grab our belt of truth and speak the truth instead.

Tim Keller says: “This is something all people in the midst of suffering and trials must remember. Yes, we must listen to our hearts. We must learn what we can about ourselves by an honest look at our feelings. But we must not only listen to our hearts, we should also talk to them. We should listen for the premises of the heart’s reasoning, but we should challenge those premises where they are wrong, and they often are. We may hear our heart say, “It’s hopeless!” but we should argue back. We should say, “Well, that depends on what you were hoping in. Was that the right thing to put so much hope in?”

“Where do we find a true picture of Who God is? When our hearts have been ripped open and when we cannot breathe because it hurts too much and when all we can ask is why? Why? Why? Why? Why?...then instead of struggling with questions that we don’t and may never have answers for; as a family and a community, instead of asking those questions could we settle in on some statements that we know to be true and that we know to be brilliantly strong?  And anytime your brain, your emotions and your thoughts begin to ask questions that you don’t have answers for could you replace those questions with statements that are true.” I am quoting our pastor on Roderick’s celebration service.  This is one of the things he mentioned more than once in our home and it has helped me a lot.  Focus and what you know is true and do not allow yourself to go to all the questions and doubts that you will never have answers for.  The three statements that he mentioned in the service were: 1. God is an intimate God, up close and personal. 2. God is grieving with us; He also misses having my boys here on earth serving his kingdom. 3. Heaven is for real; we will see and meat the boys again. 

Whenever all these lies, questions and what ifs come to my mind, I shake those off and go to the statements I know to be true. We have enough truth to focus on, we do not have to listen to lies.  

 I find it helps to not even allow the devil to come close at all, as soon as the lie is thrown at me from a distance, I say “The truth is...” When I go to the board game café to celebrate and remember Tyler it’s hard that he’s not there, it’s even painful to see that all his friends are there and enjoying each other’s company while their mother’s watch them with pride and my son is missing but I don’t’ even allow myself to think those thoughts. The truth is my son is not missing he is with us and we are celebrating him.  He is in heaven, in the spiritual realm where there are no lies, he is cheering us on. He is much happier than we are, and he is not missing out, just because my sons were able to go to heaven early does not mean they are not alive and happy.  Just because they went to a different country called heaven does not mean they are not real. So, I do not allow that lie even to come close, I resist it as soon as it comes and then I rejoice that so many amazing friends remember Tyler and have been so profoundly impacted by his life.

“I can’t do it, it is to painful” is something you hear a lot especially from grief stricken parents, I’ve said it myself and I’m not saying that there are no appropriate times to say this but I wonder if many times we say this because we have allowed the lies to become so loud in our hearts that the truth is too faint.  We need to speak back to our hearts with the truth as soon as those lies are thrown at us while they are still faint from a distance. I try not to tell people that Roderick should be here, or it’s not fair that Tyler can’t graduate because it’s not the truth, the truth is they are where they want to be and they had a far more wonderful graduation then any of their friends will have.  Now I do not mean I do not struggle with these things and that I do not tell my friends that it is painful for me to celebrate Tyler when he is not here in person.  It is hard and painful here on earth, and yea the truth is that those lies are always lurking in the background ready to attack, so much so that by the end of an evening of celebration I feel drained and am glad the event is over.  There are times where I allow myself a good cry wanting my boys to be here but then I go back to the truth and I refuse to forget that my sons are celebrating and happy and that they are not missing out. And I think about the fact that for me to just wish them back is selfish and that it is quite alright for me to suffer a bit, but my boys are not suffering and that is more important.

So I look at it this way, if the devil throws a dart at me I turn my shield towards that dart, if another comes I do it again but if every dart hits my faith the devil runs very quickly and I can turn towards and focus on my Saviour and he brings incredible comfort and light in the midst of darkness but those lies need to be hushed for that to happen.     


If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Can't You See My Crutches

While working in the shop on his country farm in Bolivia when Jake was 16 years old, he lost the better part of 2 of his fingers.  He was working with a wood plainer when the piece of wood backfired, and his hand slipped and went into the machine.  This accident happened before I had ever met Jake, so I do not remember him having his full hand.  To me that’s part of who Jake is and I do not even think of it every month.  Same with our Children, Roderick, Tyler and Angeline, although they enjoy the reaction at times when they tell dad to show his hand to their friends, to them that is a part of who daddy is.  Jake says though, not a day goes by that he does not think about missing those two fingers.  I have challenged him on a few occasions, and he is convinced that it is so.  Every day he is in some way reminded that he is missing those two fingers. 

I went through the blogs to do some labelling and reorganizing, and I came across the blog back from Aug 2016. I started that blog with the paragraph you just read, and it reminded me of some of the feelings I have at times.  Jake lost his fingers before I knew him and our children obviously only know dad as having two missing fingers but to Jake that day when he had that accident is still very real and will always be a day where he lost something very important to him, something that he is still reminded of every day, each time he grabs something or picks something up those middle two fingers aren’t there to help him with that and it takes extra effort.  (Now I know he would admit that experience was nothing compared to the grief of our boy’s early departure to heaven.)  To the rest of us this is just a part of who Jake is. We never knew him before this accident.  And that is how life is beginning to feel for me.  People are starting to come into our lives who did not know us before.  Although they hear about our story, they never knew who we were before as a family of five.  It seems strange, how is it possible that I can have close friends who did not know me before, how can they know me without the past me, is that even me?  We have celebrated Roderick’s birthday for the fourth time since he went to heaven and Tyler’s for the third time.  It really hit me on these birthdays.  Slowly but surely, we are healing and slowly but surely, they are fading into the past.  As much as we want them to remain close, we have no new memories from the past four years for Roderick and the past two for Tyler.  People are beginning to know us as a family of three, as someone whose story they have heard. As a family who used to be five, but our two sons are strangers to them even though we are close to them, how is that even possible?

I told my Therapist once; I feel like I am walking around with an arm and a leg amputated hobbling along on crutches and no one sees it. It seems wrong, it seems they should be able to tell that my arm and leg are missing, walking on crutches, but they cannot see, to them I am no different then anybody else.  It seems it might be easier if that were the case, that my arm and leg were gone or like Jake, everyone who sees his hand notices his fingers (although many people have known him for years and never noticed), that way they could see that I was disabled. I know that’s not true, in that case I would always be stared at, always be pitied and always need help, that’s not what I want but it is this feeling of being someone completely different from what people see.

Anyway, enough comparisons, it is hard to put into words yet likely something many people experience in different ways. My therapist compared it to some major surgery she had, and I would like to tell her story, but I do not remember it well enough, so I will make up my own version. Having been at home for weeks to recover and then going out for the first time she felt so vulnerable, inside her body were major wounds. She felt like she needed to hold her tommy and needed to tell everyone one that she was just barely able to be out, nobody knew or saw how she felt and there was no reason to tell everyone but it still felt like they should know. I thought that is very much how I feel.

Maybe one day I can explain what makes me feel this way but this is not how everyone feels, its like I want to hold onto my past and I want people to know that part of me but Angeline will often talk about moving away where no one knows her past and she could have a new start.  I don’t know whether my feelings are good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, whether it’s something I will have to confront and overcome or whether it will help me through to victory, whether it’s a building block in our journey or a stumbling block so I feel a bit vulnerable in posting this, I suspect though it’s neither good nor bad just another part of grief although it is a bit of a mystery at the moment but it does make me think of how many people I meet when I am out who give me a smile or a nod and behind that smile there is a story of pain and beauty. How many of them are in the middle of some terrible pain, feeling like that smile is not who they are, waiting until they get home where they can cry.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Grief is Awkward

Grief is Awkward

Angeline texted me from work the other day, “do you know so and so, someone who’s son maybe played hockey with Roderick?”  Somebody had recognized her at work and asked her if she was Roderick’s sister. It was just so natural although both Angeline and this friend know that Roderick is now in heaven nobody thinks it strange to have that question asked. It is not awkward.  I love it when people can do that, a lot of people do not even dare use the boys name.  But I’m no different, the other day I met a staff member at school who I hadn’t met before and she started asking “Your children are…” then stopped awkwardly and started again “Your child is…” and so to make it less awkward I just quickly said “Angeline is my daughter” but I wish I could have just said “Roderick, Tyler and Angeline are my children”. Because they are and this lady knew that but was not sure if she could bring it up. I long to be able to talk about them without it being awkward.  I wish, like this mom at Angeline’s work, we all could do that. I wish they wouldn’t be afraid to say “you’re Tyler’s mom” or “you are Roderick’s mom.  I also wish I could come to the point where it could just flow naturally from my tongue.

I have realized though grief is awkward not just for those who want to come along grieving friends but for us who go through grief as well.  We do not know how to do this, we have never been taught, and so we need to be willing to go through some awkward situations in order to learn and heal. Like I said in my last post, it is not so awkward with people who have walked with us through this journey but for people who weren’t able to be there or who we haven’t discussed our journey with it is often awkward.  I believe though that we can learn and practice until it is no longer as awkward while still on a path to victorious healing on the way to health, where we can talk about our loved ones freely and the memories can become happy and precious. 

Every book and every article on grief says this but I will say it again, “Don’t be afraid to ask”, we want our loved ones being remembered, true it might sometimes bring a tear to our eyes or stir up some pain but people saying nothing is much more painful. And yes, it will be a bit awkward but that is not your fault that is grief’s fault, it is awkward. The staff at school will sometimes ask how they can come alongside Angeline in her grief, they do not want to make her feel awkward. In the beginning I tried to protect her from this.  She’d often say she hoped it wouldn’t be mentioned it was always to awkward but then I realized though it was awkward it still meant a lot to her when her brothers were remembered so I started to tell the people who asked to go ahead and say something to her, it will be awkward, expect that, but it will still mean a lot to Angeline that you remember. If we cannot feel the pain, we cannot heal from it.  I am willing to deal with the pain of hearing my boys’ names in the beginning when it is so raw.  That to me is much better even though it is awkward here and there then to withdraw and have the precious memories hidden away forever and never mentioned because we stuff the pain into the darkest corner of our heart and refuse to feel it therefore it can never be touched because it is still so raw. I would rather feel the pain and awkwardness and allow it to heal so that the memories are not lost or stuffed forever.

Its interesting how this works. I want people to remember but at the same time I go somewhere and am on edge bracing myself in case someone will mention it sighing with relief if the conversation goes elsewhere but then feeling hurt that no one cares enough to mention it. 

After Roderick went to heaven Tyler very much coped in public by acting like nothing happened.  I remember his teacher telling me that when Tyler came back to school you would not know that he had just lost a brother. That was his way, he just wanted things to feel as normal as possible again.  That was not possible at home but at school he could pretend it was, yet every time Roderick’s name came up at school, he mentioned it at home. Same with Angeline, she wishes it will not be brought up fearing it will once again be awkward but if someone does mention her brothers, she will talk about it.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Allowing Others Into Our Grief

On the first Roderick Rempel tournament the Principal, asked me how I was doing, I commented on the overwhelming amount of support I felt and he said to me, ‘you allow people into your grief.’ Since then I’ve come to realize how important it is to allow people into our grief.  That is not always easy to do but the alternative is worse. 

If this is possible, I believe it makes a big difference. Some people just simply cannot allow people into their grief but their journey I think is many times more painful and lonely then for those who are able to allow people into their grief. 

When Roderick went to heaven his teammates came to our door the day after; presenting us with Roderick’s hockey jersey which they had all signed. I later heard they had already spent a lot of time together in their own grief, it had only been a week and a half since they had played their last game of the season which Roderick was a part of. That winter they had spent so much time together in the dressing room and on the ice, five or six times a week.  Teams like this have a bond.  When they came to our house that night we could have accepted the Jersey said thank-you and that would have been all they expected but instead we invited them in talked about what happened to Roderick and thanked them for the part they had played in Roderick’s life.  We allowed them into our grief and although grief is awkward, in doing that, some of that awkwardness went away.  Most of those teammates now do not find it awkward when they meet us. They greet us joyfully and talk to us.  I do not think it would be so if we had not invited them in and allowed them into our grief for a bit.

After Tyler went to heaven Jake said to me, I do not think I can go up there again to say something during the service, I understand how he felt but I told him you can’t not.  You did it for Roderick, you can’t not do it for Tyler, and he agreed.  He did it. To become vulnerable and allow people to get a taste of our grief is hard at times but it is worth it. 

Sometimes a funeral service is set up in such a way that the family doesn’t have to meet with the congregation and I understand that there are situations where that is the best way to do it but I feel they are also missing out a bit.  Roderick’s coach distanced himself from the parents and was there for the athletes, us parents dealt with the manager so we had never talked to him other then communication emails but he came to meet us after the service and shared how Roderick was the kind of player that he couldn’t get angry with, when Roderick made a mistake he came to apologize with a smile that just made the anger go away, “I couldn’t be angry with him,” he said. It meant so much to us. I like to believe that it meant a lot to him in his own grief though different from ours to be able to say that.  This is just one example. After Tyler’s service a mom came to me and shared how much they appreciated the way Tyler stood up for her son in school and so many others shared meaningful things about our boys.

When the Roderick Rempel tournament and the Tyler Rempel Board Game Café was held in the school, we were always given an opportunity to say something if we wanted. I always dreaded it because I knew I would cry in front of everyone so did Jake, every year he said he could not say something, but we always did. They are doing it for us, it means a lot to us, we need to say something, and I think that is what Mr Pauls referred to when he said you allow people in. I remember when we walked up on stage to speak during Roderick’s service I didn’t think I could do it so I whispered to the pastor “If I can’t do it will you read it for me?” He whispered back, “You can do it, I’ll be right here.” The thing is; at times we need to give God a chance to show up and give us the strength to do the impossible and he does but even if I would have broken down and cried to the point where the pastor would have had to take the write up and read it I would have still allowed the people in and it would have had a greater impact then if I just refused. For both boys’ services I felt God gave us a supernatural strength for the day. I felt like He had given us a heavenly Tylenol that allowed us to feel the pain, to laugh and cry and receive the comfort and sympathy while at the same time giving so many others the opportunity to say what needed to be said and deal with their own grief, we weren’t the only ones experiencing the loss of our sons.

I find that although grief is awkward those people who were there and able to share some of our grief, the ones we had the opportunity to allow in, with them it isn’t as awkward, it’s easy to meet them and chat about where we are in our grief and how we are doing or start a conversation about Roderick and Tyler.  I believe the more people we allow into our grief the less lonely and awkward the journey.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Do You Like your House?

At home, relaxed, where they belong

I am not sure why I hesitate when I am asked this question, but I feel like it is such a nonsense question in the big scope of things.  How can you like a house when you have just lost a son or two sons. And how can you like a house that is suppose to be your home when it’s missing almost half of the people that are suppose to make up the home but how can you not like the house when the most important people that you still have with you live in that house. It is at home where we are reminded the most of who is missing. It is our home that seems broken for life. On Friday I had discussed this with a friend and that night I pondered this again and I just started weeping again for our two precious sons who do not get to live with us in this house.

In the beginning after either one of the boys left for their eternal home, home was at times the most painful place to come to.  In fact in the first weeks coming home after having been out for only a few hours could be so extremely painful, because outside the home things can seem almost normal but at home its empty and sad while at the same time when we did go out I felt like all I needed is to go back home where I still felt close to my missing loved one. Coming home from a trip is especially painful. So much so that often it felt easier to just stay at home, so we would not have to endure coming home.

 When we moved into this house just over two months after Tyler went to heaven, I would have liked to move into a hotel room where we could be close together all the time. Any house with more then two rooms seemed too big. This house seemed much to big.  I think part of the reason that question bothers me is because we live in a nice house and a big house, not new, but nice and big all the same. We would not hesitate a moment though to move into an old run down, small house if that meant we would be all together again. So I don’t think it’s so much me not liking the house as me wanting everyone to know that a big beautiful house does not make a home and our home will always feel empty on this earth whether it’s big our small. Even a hotel room though it is small would feel empty.

But having said all that I feel God gave us exactly what we needed in this house. After we saw this house there was never a doubt in our mind whether this was the right one.  Tyler said, “I don’t like the kind of windows the living room has but I like the inside and I want us to buy it.”  We all felt that this was the house we wanted, our little oasis. I felt like God must have had us in mind already when it was built 10 years earlier. One of the things we as family had dreamed about was having a pool in the back yard and this place has that, our back yard is surrounded by trees/bush so in the summer back there we feel like we are in our own little park. 

Viewing this house Aug 31, 2017

Roderick died in the basement.  When we looked for a house, we looked for something with a walk out basement, we did not want any dark basement, in other words it was not supposed to feel like a basement. This house has no basement at all, which to us was even better. How many houses can you find in Winnipeg without a basement, in fact for most people this would have been a negative but not for us. After we purchased the house but before we moved in Tyler also died in the basement. It took about a month before Jake even walked into the basement again.  The other thing is the big windows, (not very energy efficient but…) every room has a couple of big windows. Those dark mornings are the hardest for us and we long for the sun to rise, in this house I see the sun rise every morning from my bed. In the winter I see it from the kitchen as well and the living room when I get up before sunrise.

I believe this house is a gift from God and I appreciate it, yes in fact I love it, but I still hesitate to answer. Please don’t take this as another question you can’t ask someone that’s grieving, I really don’t mind at all when people ask it, I appreciate them acknowledging it and it reminds me every time how good the Lord is and how he provided us with a beautiful safe place before we knew how badly we would need it but it also reminds me how the house alone does not make a home it’s the people in it and we will never own a house again that will be perfect enough not to feel like it is missing some of the people that belong in it.  Two especially important, precious sons.  

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

I am God's Favourite

I feel like I am God’s favourite.  Not because I am so perfect but more so because I’m so imperfect and even though I mess up over and over and am so injured He just keeps showering me with love and going out of His way to comfort me. 

I had a significant dream in October of 2017 where I felt God giving me a small taste of the love we will experience in heaven. (I wrote about this dream in the post of 10/17/2017 called Dreams) After Roderick went to heaven, I studied heaven and read a lot of near-death stories, like 90 Minutes in Heaven and Heaven is For Real.  One of the things that often came up was the incredible love and peace that we cannot imagine here on earth but is in heaven.  That love became important to me. This dream was the first one I had that has had a significant impact on me.  This was about 10 weeks before Tyler went to heaven and now looking back, I am wondering if that was God preparing me for what was to come. He knew that there was no way Tyler’s passing would make any sense in any way and He did not want to leave us hopeless.  He saw my faith and confidence in Him, he was changing Tyler before our eyes.  He saw how deeply and with confidence I believed that as Tyler was getting clarity over the doubts and questions he had, with all the things he had been through in loosing his brother plus overcoming such low self-esteem, beginning to see who he was in Christ together with his personality of always esteeming others better then himself and taking care of others at the expense of himself, I saw so much potential in him.. I had been fasting and praying for Tyler in the months before he went, and I knew God had great things in store for Tyler. God knew this would be an exceptionally hard blow on us.

In this dream a lot of things that I had read about heaven were clarified to me as well.  I knew that was my family in the dream, I had never seen them before but I knew, which is what you will hear about heaven, you know the people even if you have never seen them before, whether it’s the grandmother you have never seen or someone from the Bible. Also, I could feel and knew they loved me and knew me, and it seemed like I was their favourite person. That doesn’t happen in this life at least not in that way, when you see someone you don’t just know that they love you deeply and know you well although God does miracles here on earth many times as well where you just sense the love of God in someone. That is a small taste of heaven.  Another interesting thing about the dream was that I was in front of the house, I was nowhere else and even though I had never seen the place before I knew it was my home and I knew exactly how the lake and dock looked in the back in fact I would recognize it in a photo if I ever saw one. (If you have not you might like to read that post).  I am not pretending to have been in heaven in my dream, I believe heaven will be more beautiful then that. This was just a normal place like any place on this earth, it was the feeling of love and being known for who I was on the inside that was exceptional. 

I know that it was my taste of God’s love and the knowledge I had gained of heaven that made me think of the peace and love Tyler was experiencing as well as knowing he was free from pain in those first moments when I realized he was gone, in the midst of the shock and devastation.

Amidst our suffering God has blessed us with so many beautiful things.  The relationship Angeline Jake and I can have is amazing.  We are each other’s best friends.  Heaven is so real to us, and I never doubt God’s love, He has revealed himself to me so powerfully, so to others these dreams might still be just dreams and I’m ok with that but to me they are not. Even if they are just dreams, I have learned a lot from them.  All this makes me feel like I am God’s favourite, but I know you are too.

Each one of them is my favourite child

My Aunt came to visit last summer. I hadn’t seen her in years and not since the boys went to heaven so we talked about our experience and of course God in the midst of all that and she made this expression, “If God had favourites I believe I would be His favourite.” I do not know if she will be reading this, but the thought entered my mind “what’s so special about you.” I knew that all she meant was how loved she felt by God, but I thought that was a strange way to put it.

Back in elementary Angeline wanted to be the teacher’s favourite.  She had a friend who she perceived to be the teacher’s favourite and she would like to be the one the teacher loved the most.  We’d all like to be the person who is loved the most by those close to us but it seems kind of selfish because obviously others have to be loved less; only one can be the favourite.
One day not long after I visited with my aunt I lay in bed pondering and God gave me a clear revelation “that is exactly how he loves me.” He loves me like I am his very favourite person, like I am the only one he loves so much. That is exactly what he showed me in the two dreams I had where he embraced me, it was like I was his one and only favourite. I read about someone who had a near death experience who said that when Jesus looks at you it’s like he loves only you, all the love in him is for you alone, although you know he loves everyone with that same love it seems like you are his one and only special one and in that moment that morning I realized that is exactly how he loves me like I am truly his favourite.

I told Roderick one time, "you are my best son." It was the first time I had said that and even I felt a bit guilty saying that. I could tell Angeline she was my best daughter but I could not tell the boys your are my best son because there were two. Roderick looked up at me surprised and shocked, feeling both special and a bit disappointed that I would have favourites. Surprised, he asked me if I really liked him the best. I told him yes I do but I tell Tyler the same thing, he is the best too.  His countenance fell a bit realizing that was really not that special if he weren't better then his brother and that is how it is here on earth. In order for us to be the best someone else has to be less then us but not so in heaven. It's hard for us to grasp how we could all feel like favourites.

I read this story in The Fight to Flourish by Jennie Lusko:

Recently, Levi and I were having dinner at a restaurant with another couple.  Our waitress had a beautiful accent.  When we asked, she told us she was from Romania.  Levi spent a month on a mission trip there when he was fourteen, and he still remembered a few phrases in Romanian.  Without skipping a beat, he told the waitress, “Iisus te iubeste”—“Jesus loves you.” 

Not knowing a thing about her, Levi didn’t know how she would respond.  But her whole countenance lit up. Smiling wide, she nodded and immediately replied, “Oh yes, I’m His favorite.”

I had never heard that said before. I am God’s favorite. I was hit by this young women’s confidence in God’s love for her. She didn’t just think she was His favorite: she knew.  The interaction left a mark on me, and I left the restaurant that night feeling like God had spoken just to me. 

Last trip altogether 10 weeks before Roderick went to heaven.
Our boys waking up in their hotel room

You’re My favorite, sweetheart.

He speaks this to you, too, but it’s something you have to realize on your own.  People can tell you over and over how special you are, but it’s something you have to believe about yourself.

And so the Lord used my Aunts words to reveal to me how confident we can be in God’s love for us and he used this waitress’s words to reveal it to Jennie, I’m hoping you can see that too. For me at this time I no longer doubted God’s love it just gave me a new depth to the revelation.  Whatever stage you are in, I hope you can say with confidence I am God’s favourite.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

This World is not my Home

This World is Not My Home

I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I cannot stay on this pole all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it.  So how do I do this.  How can I blend this changed person with a new perspective while still enjoying life on this earth?  I might have many more years here; kind of a waste if I want to spend it all on the pole, tiring as well. 

Angeline is extremely sensitive when it comes to how I feel. Its hard to get away with any kind of struggles without her sensing it.  And when she senses that I hang onto that pole and will not even look down she is upset. She will ask, “Don’t you want to see me grow up and see what I become in life?” I love to sing this song:

This world is not my Home, I’m just a passing through,

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me, from heavens open door

and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. 

Chorus:

OH Lord you know I have no friend like you

If heaven’s not my home then Lord what will I do,

The angels beckon me from heavens open door

and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

I have two loving sons just over in glory land

I don’t expect to stop until I shake their hand

They’re waiting now for me on heaven’s golden shore

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

Just over in glory land, we’ll live eternally

The Saints on every hand are shouting victory

Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven’s shore

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.

It is a great song but when I sing it and Angeline senses that I am not enjoying life she does not like it. She says it is sad.  God has not planned for us to live this life hanging on just waiting for the Lord to take us home. He wants us to enjoy this journey. And it would make me extremely sad if Angeline would just want to go to heaven and not enjoy her life here on earth. 

There is a balance.  Our physical bodies are made for this earth and we cannot function without time, air, food etc. but our spiritual beings are more real then our physical bodies and will live for eternity, that part of us will always long for more freedom then what this physical life can give us. Angeline will quite frequently mention the good old days when life seemed stress free. Really that is the same thing as me longing for heaven. We all long for more freedom from pain and stress and troubles.  This brings me back to the race of life, we will be much happier if we run the race then if we just sit down before it’s done and wait until the time has past and God comes and takes us home, crossing the finish line and running into the Saviour’s loving arms will be much better then being rescued from where we gave up on our race.

I must give a lot of credit to my daughter who keeps reminding me to keep running. The other day I said if I had the power to end the world, I would have done it already, Angeline was upset, why would I say such a thing. She wanted to live a life yet, I said growing up in heaven would be better. I wanted to see her grow up, but I don’t mind if that is in heaven, she wants to grow up here though. I didn’t understand why she was upset. She said, “I’m not afraid if the world ends but we shouldn’t want to make it end” and she’s right. In fact just two weeks ago I said in my blog how much better to finish our life even if it includes suffering because what happens in our suffering will also be a beautiful part of our life once we get to heaven.  That’s my daughter for you, even if there is suffering when she gets to heaven she wants a full life that is beautiful and her course on this earth finished, she doesn’t want it to end and not see the rest of her beautifully crafted life although she wouldn’t word it like that.  I want to be more like her.

I have no reason to stay on this pole, I can come down and enjoy life knowing that I can get back onto the pole anytime the water rises but if a tsunami hits unexpectedly and I end up in the deep waters I have nothing to worry about. God will rescue me whether it be taking me to eternal bliss or placing me on the pole himself and that I think might be blending those two parts of me but I still need to learn how to sensitively guide the perspective to our eternal reward. It would be easy for me to tell a mother who worries about lack of sleep, “Are you kidding me, why do you care if you get to sleep or not, it won’t make a difference a year from now and you’ll have plenty of rest in heaven besides you should enjoy being up with your baby because if it were taken from you you’d have plenty of time to sleep but still wouldn’t sleep wishing you could be up with your baby.” Even though this is easy for me to say this mother still needs to get through the night and the next day and we all know life is a lot harder if we don’t get the rest we need including grief but again we all have seasons where we don’t get enough rest that’s why we need to keep and eternal perspective. True and final rest comes in heaven when we cross the finish line, in this life we just stop for a quick drink and keep running but our Saviour never leaves our side and is always faithful to send his angels, in whatever form to give us the care we need.  In him there is peace and rest for our souls though our physical bodies are tired.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.