Grief is Awkward

Grief is Awkward

Angeline texted me from work the other day, “do you know so and so, someone who’s son maybe played hockey with Roderick?”  Somebody had recognized her at work and asked her if she was Roderick’s sister. It was just so natural although both Angeline and this friend know that Roderick is now in heaven nobody thinks it strange to have that question asked. It is not awkward.  I love it when people can do that, a lot of people do not even dare use the boys name.  But I’m no different, the other day I met a staff member at school who I hadn’t met before and she started asking “Your children are…” then stopped awkwardly and started again “Your child is…” and so to make it less awkward I just quickly said “Angeline is my daughter” but I wish I could have just said “Roderick, Tyler and Angeline are my children”. Because they are and this lady knew that but was not sure if she could bring it up. I long to be able to talk about them without it being awkward.  I wish, like this mom at Angeline’s work, we all could do that. I wish they wouldn’t be afraid to say “you’re Tyler’s mom” or “you are Roderick’s mom.  I also wish I could come to the point where it could just flow naturally from my tongue.

I have realized though grief is awkward not just for those who want to come along grieving friends but for us who go through grief as well.  We do not know how to do this, we have never been taught, and so we need to be willing to go through some awkward situations in order to learn and heal. Like I said in my last post, it is not so awkward with people who have walked with us through this journey but for people who weren’t able to be there or who we haven’t discussed our journey with it is often awkward.  I believe though that we can learn and practice until it is no longer as awkward while still on a path to victorious healing on the way to health, where we can talk about our loved ones freely and the memories can become happy and precious. 

Every book and every article on grief says this but I will say it again, “Don’t be afraid to ask”, we want our loved ones being remembered, true it might sometimes bring a tear to our eyes or stir up some pain but people saying nothing is much more painful. And yes, it will be a bit awkward but that is not your fault that is grief’s fault, it is awkward. The staff at school will sometimes ask how they can come alongside Angeline in her grief, they do not want to make her feel awkward. In the beginning I tried to protect her from this.  She’d often say she hoped it wouldn’t be mentioned it was always to awkward but then I realized though it was awkward it still meant a lot to her when her brothers were remembered so I started to tell the people who asked to go ahead and say something to her, it will be awkward, expect that, but it will still mean a lot to Angeline that you remember. If we cannot feel the pain, we cannot heal from it.  I am willing to deal with the pain of hearing my boys’ names in the beginning when it is so raw.  That to me is much better even though it is awkward here and there then to withdraw and have the precious memories hidden away forever and never mentioned because we stuff the pain into the darkest corner of our heart and refuse to feel it therefore it can never be touched because it is still so raw. I would rather feel the pain and awkwardness and allow it to heal so that the memories are not lost or stuffed forever.

Its interesting how this works. I want people to remember but at the same time I go somewhere and am on edge bracing myself in case someone will mention it sighing with relief if the conversation goes elsewhere but then feeling hurt that no one cares enough to mention it. 

After Roderick went to heaven Tyler very much coped in public by acting like nothing happened.  I remember his teacher telling me that when Tyler came back to school you would not know that he had just lost a brother. That was his way, he just wanted things to feel as normal as possible again.  That was not possible at home but at school he could pretend it was, yet every time Roderick’s name came up at school, he mentioned it at home. Same with Angeline, she wishes it will not be brought up fearing it will once again be awkward but if someone does mention her brothers, she will talk about it.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.