Allowing Others Into Our Grief

On the first Roderick Rempel tournament the Principal, asked me how I was doing, I commented on the overwhelming amount of support I felt and he said to me, ‘you allow people into your grief.’ Since then I’ve come to realize how important it is to allow people into our grief.  That is not always easy to do but the alternative is worse. 

If this is possible, I believe it makes a big difference. Some people just simply cannot allow people into their grief but their journey I think is many times more painful and lonely then for those who are able to allow people into their grief. 

When Roderick went to heaven his teammates came to our door the day after; presenting us with Roderick’s hockey jersey which they had all signed. I later heard they had already spent a lot of time together in their own grief, it had only been a week and a half since they had played their last game of the season which Roderick was a part of. That winter they had spent so much time together in the dressing room and on the ice, five or six times a week.  Teams like this have a bond.  When they came to our house that night we could have accepted the Jersey said thank-you and that would have been all they expected but instead we invited them in talked about what happened to Roderick and thanked them for the part they had played in Roderick’s life.  We allowed them into our grief and although grief is awkward, in doing that, some of that awkwardness went away.  Most of those teammates now do not find it awkward when they meet us. They greet us joyfully and talk to us.  I do not think it would be so if we had not invited them in and allowed them into our grief for a bit.

After Tyler went to heaven Jake said to me, I do not think I can go up there again to say something during the service, I understand how he felt but I told him you can’t not.  You did it for Roderick, you can’t not do it for Tyler, and he agreed.  He did it. To become vulnerable and allow people to get a taste of our grief is hard at times but it is worth it. 

Sometimes a funeral service is set up in such a way that the family doesn’t have to meet with the congregation and I understand that there are situations where that is the best way to do it but I feel they are also missing out a bit.  Roderick’s coach distanced himself from the parents and was there for the athletes, us parents dealt with the manager so we had never talked to him other then communication emails but he came to meet us after the service and shared how Roderick was the kind of player that he couldn’t get angry with, when Roderick made a mistake he came to apologize with a smile that just made the anger go away, “I couldn’t be angry with him,” he said. It meant so much to us. I like to believe that it meant a lot to him in his own grief though different from ours to be able to say that.  This is just one example. After Tyler’s service a mom came to me and shared how much they appreciated the way Tyler stood up for her son in school and so many others shared meaningful things about our boys.

When the Roderick Rempel tournament and the Tyler Rempel Board Game Café was held in the school, we were always given an opportunity to say something if we wanted. I always dreaded it because I knew I would cry in front of everyone so did Jake, every year he said he could not say something, but we always did. They are doing it for us, it means a lot to us, we need to say something, and I think that is what Mr Pauls referred to when he said you allow people in. I remember when we walked up on stage to speak during Roderick’s service I didn’t think I could do it so I whispered to the pastor “If I can’t do it will you read it for me?” He whispered back, “You can do it, I’ll be right here.” The thing is; at times we need to give God a chance to show up and give us the strength to do the impossible and he does but even if I would have broken down and cried to the point where the pastor would have had to take the write up and read it I would have still allowed the people in and it would have had a greater impact then if I just refused. For both boys’ services I felt God gave us a supernatural strength for the day. I felt like He had given us a heavenly Tylenol that allowed us to feel the pain, to laugh and cry and receive the comfort and sympathy while at the same time giving so many others the opportunity to say what needed to be said and deal with their own grief, we weren’t the only ones experiencing the loss of our sons.

I find that although grief is awkward those people who were there and able to share some of our grief, the ones we had the opportunity to allow in, with them it isn’t as awkward, it’s easy to meet them and chat about where we are in our grief and how we are doing or start a conversation about Roderick and Tyler.  I believe the more people we allow into our grief the less lonely and awkward the journey.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.