Popcorn Chicken

Yesterday I decided to make popcorn chicken.  I do not make it very often anymore; it is quite messy and tricky to do but it’s the meal that Roderick asked for the most.  When the kids were in elementary I would make extra and send it with them to school, I warmed it up in the morning so it wasn’t fridge cold and it was easy finger food for lunch with no sugar.

Cinnamon buns? YAY Sugar!!

One day as I walked by Roderick’s classroom and stopped to check if he was ready at the end of the day in grade six, the popcorn chicken came up. I’m not sure how it started but I think one of Roderick’s classmates made a comment about how good my popcorn chicken was, and another classmate walking by, heard it and said “Oh your popcorn chicken is the best?” in no time, I was surrounded by about five or six classmates oohing over my popcorn chicken and I looked puzzled, “how do you all know what my popcorn chicken is like?” The teacher stepped out and asked, “how come do I not know about this popcorn chicken?”

YAY Candy!

Roderick had a craving for sugar, everyone who knows him knows that, and in elementary we were trying to limit his sugar to try and keep his energy level down in the classroom but that afternoon his classmates told me they would trade treats like chocolate bars for Roderick’s popcorn chicken and whoever brought the best treats could get his popcorn chicken. There goes my plan of a nice sugarless treat.

notice the date
2 weeks before he
left for heaven

During the last months of his life he would text me from school saying, “Jazz is coming over can you make popcorn chicken?” and I couldn’t say no to that request so I would drop what I was doing, quickly thaw some chicken and make popcorn chicken for supper, so you can see why I will never again make popcorn chicken without remembering Roderick. 

It is interesting how it all started, or maybe it is not but I will tell you anyway, back when KFC came out with their popcorn chicken our kids loved it. As you can see mine looks more like popcorn then KFC’s does, just saying… When our layers are old and the flock is done producing eggs we get almost nothing for them because at that age the meat is not nearly tender enough for us Canadians so I would find ways to tenderize it and use it which would greatly reduce our grocery bill, meat being so expensive. Our hens have a lot of breast meat, one hen gives me 2.5 to 3 lbs of boneless chicken breast. Anyway, I figured out my own version of popcorn chicken and found I could make delicious popcorn chicken out of that chicken breast, but before you ask me for the recipe, I have none. I just know in my head what ingredients I throw together to make it.

The Ik should be
the last text

Here is my popcorn chicken story that I did not even know I had until yesterday when I made popcorn chicken and all these memories came flooding back to me. I even went on my phone and searched Roderick’s name on my text message app to check for those texts. His texts are still there four and a half years after he left, although some of them are not in the right order, as you can see in the screen shot it will sometimes place the response before the initial text.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Another First?

 

In the beginning of September, we celebrated Angeline’s 17^th birthday. It was the first time she, our youngest child, celebrated a birthday that we had not celebrated with either of the boys. Neither of them made it to 17 with us but Roderick made it just past 16.  Those firsts are beginning to be rare, well maybe not though if we consider this a first then almost everything that Angeline will experience from now on, graduation etc. will be a first so maybe this wouldn’t really be considered a first but it meant something all the same.

Last Easter I made a small pillow to put in the Easter Basket for Angeline. I sewed three small bunnies on it; a red and blue one with a gold one in between. We all knew that red is for Roderick and blue is for Tyler but I'm not so sure about Angeline's colour. Jake and I decided gold was perfect for Angeline. She can be so funny, adventurous, chatty, curious, and boy does she have an imagination, it's incredible the things she can imagine up, if that's even a term, but these to most people are hidden treasures like gold that you have to find or dig for, usually she keeps that treasure locked and hidden in a box, but at home she opens it up and we so enjoy those treasures. Every once in a while she will open it up elsewhere but mostly she keeps those locked away while displaying only her sensitive, quiet, kind, composed and beautiful self. One day she will leave that treasure chest open for all to see, and throw away the key. 

We went camping to Kakabeka Falls for her birthday. I did not know we had such a beautiful big waterfall so close by. The campground there was beautiful as well. We did not tell Angeline where we were going so when she got the first glimpse of the water fall her face lit up “A Waterfall?” she exclaimed. She had only once before been to a small waterfall close up in Hawaii.  We decided that would be a place we would like to go back to sometime in the future.

There is this three-kilometre hike that the people used years ago to portage around the waterfall. At the end of this hike is another small waterfall in the trees, we spent a lot of time on this hike and took many photos. While hiking I kept thinking what it would be like if Roderick were there, how many times would he climb the fence, how many times would he walk to close to the sharp drops and how scary would that be, but then, before he left I wasn't nearly as fearful as I am now. What would he even be like at 20, how different are 20 year olds from 16 year olds? It was a bit chilly in the evening but we had a beautiful day to hike. It rained the day we arrived but stopped before we got there and rained the last night as well, but it was a good trip.

                                               

     

We have done quite a bit of camping this summer, more then we’ve gone before and five out of the six times we went to campgrounds and parks we hadn’t been to before. I enjoy these relaxing weekends in nature. Twice Angeline didn't go with us so that was another first this summer, leaving her at home by herself overnight. That's not the easiest thing to do, anxiety wants to rear its ugly head but it is a joy to see her grow up and become independent and she sure doesn't mind it. 

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Jake and I

 

One of the questions I have been asked is how Jake and I managed to keep a close relationship when so many marriages break up after loosing a child. We just celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary Aug 26. I hesitate to write about this because as is the case in almost every marriage you cannot always see the struggles that go on inside these walls. 

A comment by Joyce Meyers has really impacted me. Apparently, her husband prayed for a wife and asked God to make it someone who needed help. Who does that? We all want the perfect spouse, we know that that is not possible but as close to perfect as is possible, someone who will fulfil our needs.  And it got me thinking what if marriages would be like that? What if that were all our desire to be the spouse that our spouse needs even though our own needs might not all be met.

Luke 6:32-35 talks about how there is no reward in heaven for loving the lovable but if we love the unlovable there is great reward. Yesterday I was trying to figure out how I could word this post; it all makes sense in my head but when I start writing, it does not seem to come out right. This morning I read a devotional and I thought I would start with that. This is what Gary Thomas writes.

If you are married to the holiest, kindest, most giving and thoughtful spouse who ever lived, that will be your reward. There will be no extra credit in the heavenlies for having enjoyed an easier marriage than most. So you’ll have some very pleasant decades, while someone else may be storing up for eternity.

If, for instance, your spouse takes you for granted, you may never be appreciated on this earth, but the day will come –Jesus promises it!—when you see your heavenly Father-in-Law face-to-face and He says to you, “You loved My son/daughter so well, even though I know he never understood how blessed he was to be married to you. Now, let Me show you how I spend all of eternity rewarding those who love in My name. Receive your rewards, enter into your rest!”

Okay I give up, I am not getting any reward in heaven for loving my husband because I have the most loving, kind, generous husband possible. Jake is extremely loyal, he is a doer, constantly doing things for Angeline and me, he loves us both very much and his greatest desire is for us to be happy. He always encourages us to do things that we enjoy, whether it is going out with friends or shopping or whatever it may be. He is extremely generous and works hard to provide for us even though we are already very well provided for. 

Thankfully every spouse has weaknesses and there are days in every persons life where they are not the most lovable people and when Jake has those days every once in a while I get to store up for eternity, but do I or am I just complaining about my crappy marriage and become unlovable as well?

I have lost two sons. I love them so much and miss them terribly. In my humanity the separation hurts so bad that I feel like they could be at their worse, I would not care if I just got another chance to show them how much I love them. You know? that is how much my heavenly father loves me when I am at my worse but not just me, my husband as well. Jake is God’s precious son whom God loves unconditionally with all his pain and weaknesses. How do I feel when my children are hurting or being mistreated by someone, I’m telling you this mama bear can be very ferocious when you mess with her kids, how will God feel if I do not love and appreciate his son, who happens to be my husband, and I am not willing to love him through his hard days.

Another story that I often think about is one that Pastor Leon told. He counselled a woman who was upset that her husband did not help her with cleaning and wanted to divorce him. His question to her was, “you will divorce him for this one weakness?” He told her if that were the case, as soon as she left him there would be many women lined up to fill her spot and be quite happy to overlook that one weakness for the wonderful man he otherwise is. 

When I feel our marriage is crappy, our marriage is not crappy, Jake and I are each other’s best friends and Jake is definitely one of those wonderful man that so many wives wish for but on the days I feel like it is crappy, I remind myself that there are many women who long for a husband like Jake is to me and I also remind myself that God has called me to love Jake, His precious son, together with his weaknesses because God knew that I was the best spouse to show him that unconditional love.

These are some of the things that motivate me or help keep me on track in my marriage. The two examples I shared are both stories I heard years ago, and I use to help me get out of that crappy marriage mood many times. Now I will share a little more about our marriage journey inside our grief journey. Thank God that the bond between us has been able to become stronger through this journey. It has got to be a miracle because statistics show that the divorce rate goes up to 75% after the loss of a child. I never want to take this miracle that God has given us for granted.

There have been many times where I have longed for us to share on a deeper level about each other’s grief. Jake is not the biggest hugger and I have often wished he would hug me more, which is weird because I am not really a big hugger either. Jake says though looking back when we sat together so often just being quiet, we both did not seem to have it in us to bring comfort to the other.  The pain seemed so intense there was nothing you could say to make it less, sitting together quietly seemed to bring the most comfort. It’s true, although I might have wished I could share more of my grief with Jake if we did talk about it and Jake shared some of his pain it brought even more pain because now I had to deal with not only my pain but his as well and he had to deal with mine. I have come to realize that I cannot expect Jake to fulfil my emotional needs. That is an impossible expectation.  I also turn it around every time I struggle and ask myself, am I to him what he needs, and I realize I fall way short as well. 

When Jake has been at his lowest points in grief and I felt discouraged and tired of it all myself, feeling like I was destined to live with a hurting husband for the rest of my life, I have promised God that even if that was my only calling, to love my hurting husband, even if I would always have to feel like I wasn’t enough reason to make him happy again, that was okay, I would still love him. Now I don’t know what kind of promises and deals Jake made with God when I was at my lowest, during the times I’ve been fighting anxiety and depression and he would want us to do stuff like go on a trip or something and I just didn’t care, which is only one of many things he’s had to deal with when I was not a very lovable spouse but I do know that never once have I felt he stopped loving me. He has always been very patient with me in my grief.

I do not set my expectations to high either, if my expectations are low, I will not be disappointed very easily. My expectations for life have dropped dramatically. I have felt many times I was destined to have a hard life, my reward was in heaven and I was happy to live a hard life for the reward that awaited me in heaven, if there are days where I feel like my marriage is not doing well, then so be it, it’s just part of my hard life. I know that this is an attitude I can get stuck in when I should not, yes my boys went to heaven early and I miss them but I have so much to be thankful for and such an amazingly blessed life. I’ve gone through nothing compared to millions of people on this earth and for me to be stuck in thinking I am destined to have a hard life is just wrong but I do believe that we need to understand that life will have challenges on this earth and our reward and the happiness and fulfilment that we long for will only fully come in heaven. This applies to every area of our life including marriage.

Jake and I both feel we have lost way to much to also lose our marriage and from the start in our grief we have both agreed that we would do whatever it took to protect our marriage and our family through our grief.  We both understood that we would grieve differently, and we would not always be able to understand each other but we would make it work. We can have unrealistic expectations for our marriage, we should not settle for a mediocre lifeless relationship, but unforeseen things can happen and we need to be willing to make the sacrifices necessary to keep our vows for better or worse.

After either of the boys went to heaven the pain is so great that you just do everything not to cause anymore pain, Jake especially reacts like this. He says right after, none of the issues we had with anybody mattered at all, everyone is precious, and we just want to love and make sure we cause no more pain on this earth. I remember after Tyler went to heaven Jake kept saying how Angeline and I should not have to go through this kind of pain. I believe this fear of causing anymore pain, at times, might have kept us from sharing our grief the way we should have but even more then that it kept us from saying and doing things that would hurt the other spouse.

One of the things Jake mentioned that he would not have been able to handle is blame. If he had been blamed for any of what happened. I agree, it is the human tendency to want to figure out who is responsible for the pain. Even if you cannot blame your spouse for what happened but then it would be easy to blame them for not getting it right in the grieving journey. I think there too we went back to not wanting to deal with or cause anymore pain.  From a human perspective we both knew that we had made mistakes with our children and we both knew that if we had done some things differently it might have prevented what happened but we also knew there are no parents who can do everything well enough to guarantee safety for their kids. Years ago, Jake’s four-year-old cousin sat at the dinner table and fell from his chair hit his head and passed away hours later due to bleeding in the brain.  How many of your four-year old’s have not sat on a chair at the dinner table? Even if we had made no mistakes something could still have happened, and we knew that we both loved our sons very deeply and would never in a million years have done anything intentionally that would have caused them harm. I saw Jake’s love for our sons in his intense pain, I knew he was already struggling to much with what could have been. I also knew that he had tried his absolute best in raising our boys. From a spiritual perspective we both knew that this was not in our control; God has a purpose for us and He has not prevented this from happening so He would now lead us through this journey. He loves us and will never leave us even though we cannot understand this path.

Angeline has always been a strong motivator for both of us. Jake is very close to her; I am very close to her and together we are close to her. She has had to deal with so much pain, how could we put more pain on her by allowing our marriage to suffer. After her brothers went to heaven, she needed to make sure that Jake and I were okay.  She will ask us almost daily how we are doing. By now it is kind of a habit already and a conversation starter. Even if she felt like there was just a little friction between Jake and I she would want it fixed right away, she just wants to know that we are okay. Recently she has started this thing where she will just call out “Will everyone just calm down!” She’ll just do it randomly every once in a while when it is too quiet but she will also do it if I will throw a little insult at Jake and Jake will say something back, you know how sometimes your joking while at the same time kind of meaning it, even though our voices are quiet and kind but she senses a little bit of friction she will yell out “Will everyone just calm down!” When she does that it very quickly lightens the mood. We felt that for Angeline to have taken that on her shoulders making sure her parents are okay at age 14 was by far a responsibility too big so we wanted to make that as easy for her as we could because at age 14 you can’t fake it to a child, she knows; so we needed to make sure that we took care of ourselves and our marriage for her sake, she was our common denominator, both of our priorities were to do everything we could for Angeline to help her through all of this trauma and to come out healed and better in the end, although we often feel so helpless we were in this together.

The other common denominator was our love for our sons. Jake loves them as much as I do, and he is the only one who knows and feels that pain of the separation for Roderick and Tyler like I do. Even though I want him to be strong for me and I want him to be happy his pain and his grief are also a comfort to me seeing how deeply he loved our sons. This was a pain that we shared even though sometimes differently and in different ways but to allow anything to separate us would make the journey much lonelier. We are in this together and we will stay in this together.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Peace and Together

 

I had a different Topic to write about, but my heart is heavy for my friend Sheri. She always has a very tender spot in her heart when it comes to our loss. She headed up the grad committee this year and so many things weren’t allowed because of Covid but it was always important to her and her question was always ‘but can we still do the toast for Tyler?’ so I’ve been told.  I wrote about the toast that happened on August 21^st in my last post. Just a week later she suddenly lost her husband totally unexpected through a massive heart attack.

My thoughts go back to June 25 when I was at the convocation and had just been presented with the grad booklet because Tyler was not there to pick it up. I am in tears every time I think about it. I wanted to see Tyler graduate; I did not want to have to pick that up for him. Tears were flowing down my face and I was trying to make it to the car before I would lose it completely. Sheri was there with her husband and daughter who also graduated and she caught up with me, hugged me while I was sobbing and crying with me she said, “We will remember Tyler, I will make sure that our family will always remember Tyler, I promise.” It meant so much to me.

When I heard the shocking, unbelievable news I wanted to pray but I did not know how to pray. My mind went back to the first days after the passing of our boys. Knowing at least somewhat what it is like for her makes it even harder to find words because there just are no words in our language it seems.  Life just suddenly stops and then shifts into slow motion, awfully slow motion. Everything that was suppose to be is gone, the appointments you had for the day aren’t even mentioned until the phone rings, you don’t think of getting up to answer so someone else answers and the hairdresser is asking why nobody showed up, Oh, that’s right, for other people life is still going on.  

Two words came to my mind and I prayed them over and over for Sheri and her family. I did not know how to put them in a sentence. They were Peace and Together.  I knew that in the midst of the horrible pain, the shock, and feeling like there has to be a way to wake up from this night mare, underneath all of that it is possible to feel a deep peace, to know that the Saviour is holding us in His arms, He is right there in the darkness, so close that we can feel Him.

Grief has separated many families, but it has also bonded families like nothing else could. Together comes from a scene after Tyler went to heaven. Tyler’s body had just been put in a body bag and when they had his body on the gurney outside on that cold December morning they invited us to say good bye. Angeline Jake and I grabbed our jackets and shoes and went out to say good bye to Tyler's body. When we returned our Jackets to the closet, right there we put our arms around each other and just sobbed, Jake kept telling Angeline and me, “you shouldn’t have to go through this.” I answered him with that one word “together,” “together.” That was the only way possible. 

We were out camping last weekend and I had a night mare, I was trying to scream but couldn’t get any sound out and Jake shook me to wake me up, I lay awake for awhile and again prayed for Sheri and her two children.  I knew they likely were not sleeping either, but just as likely God might have given them some sleep right at that moment because that’s what that peace does. So, either way I knew like for us God wakes up people at different times to pray and help make this journey possible for them.

Death is a part of this life, as painful as it is but heaven is our next life and there is no pain there, therefore that hope makes the sting of death possible to bare. That hope of heaven allows us to bond and journey through this valley of grief with a joy in our hearts, coming out on the other end better people. Out of ashes God creates beauty.

 

 

Tyler's Grad

Well it is August and I should have written about graduation a while ago, but I decided to wait until it was all over.  As is always the case with remembering the boys it has been bittersweet.

Because of COVID everything was done differently this year.  On June 24 the graduates gathered in two groups to hear the various speeches and although the other parents could only watch it online they invited us as special guests to hear the speeches.  The valedictorian’s and teacher’s speech both included beautiful remembrances of Tyler.  This is what they said:

Valedictorian, Adia Koodoo:

At the beginning of high school, our grade was labelled as the “overachievers”. The competition in our grade has always been fierce because we’ve been pushing each other to try our best from the very start. We support each other in failures, and  celebrate all the successes. But the thing I truly admire most about the people in front of me is their resilience. Needless to say, the passing of Tyler Rempel changed all of our lives. Suffering such a tragedy truly tested our community and grade. We could have broken down, given up and wallowed on, but instead we chose to let this tragedy make us stronger. Our grade came together during those days of grief, and we haven’t separated since. What our grade communally learned from the experience was that we truly do need each other.  MBCI has built us a sturdy foundation as a support system, but it is up to us to keep building upon it.

Teacher’s Speech, Mr. Wes Koslowsky:

What can I say? Grade 10 was cruisin’, and I was loving it.

But just like that, darkness hit. We lost Tyler. It is impossible to trace the impact that his passing has had on me and my colleagues, let alone you, his friends.  All I know is that I saw you then, and I see you now. My colleagues and I, and countless friends and parents, have learned to love you more deeply than you’ll ever know as we witnessed the pain and devastation that many of you did and still experience today.

As is the case in the wake of a special life lost, many of us grew closer together. In the words of Louis de Bernieres, “We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we discovered that we were one tree and not many.” Such a storm tests us all; I count myself lucky to have weathered it with you.

How deep, so touching!

The following day they had the convocation in thirteen groups, we were placed with the Rs. Aden’s favourite memory was “When Tyler surprised us all and came back to MBCI.” I loved it. Because the grads had to miss so much this year because of COVID (no banquet etc.) They made this beautiful class of 2020 book and handed it out to all the grads. In it they had the list of all the grads, the scholarships each had received the valedictorian and teacher’s speech, a prayer and two pages (see below) to remember Tyler. We were also presented with one of these books. I love it and it was really touching but it also hit me hard this year that again I was at a graduation where I could not find the face of my son in the group. I just wanted a real celebration for once without the pain, hopefully next year. It is so precious to see how loved Tyler was and also how the tragedy bonded his grade, to see the beauty come out of such tragedy.

Tyler wrote this poem in grade 10,
Words to poem are below

One the 2nd Anniversary of Tyler's graduation to heaven his classmates painted their fingernails and took photos to go with this poem. 

                                   

FINGERNAILS

I live my life with not much sagacity,

To understand, ask questions,

I don’t have the audacity,

But just one thing has always been vexing me,

A trifle, and something somewhat unsavoury,

Inquisitively, exuberantly, I try to understand,

Just what is the point of these fingernails on my Hand?

Unlike the entrails inside me, they have no clear use,

Are they just for prettying up? I’m irresolute,

For scratching or picking; a possible value to it,

But I urge to chew them or clip them;

They’re far from immaculate,

Just a remnant of claws,

From our ancestors long ago?

I have suppositions,

But the truth I don’t know.

                                                   -Tyler Rempel

                                                         

I wrote back in March that the Tyler Rempel Board Game Café was cancelled. It was supposed to be on Friday, March 13; and that morning the government announced that all social gatherings were to be cancelled because of COVID. Aden (Tyler’s friend) had designed and ordered a wristband in honour of Tyler to hand out at the café, a lot of Tyler’s classmates had ordered hoodies with a Tyler Rempel Board Game Café logo on it, all the snacks and drinks were purchased but then it got cancelled.

On June 12, the school had the grad breakfast and so the Parents of Prayer decided to do a Tyler Rempel Tribute Parade by our house. Tyler loved Root Beer so they handed out Root Beer and Chips. Jake and I didn’t just want to stand awkwardly and watch them go by so I made a small bag for us to hand out to the grads as well. I designed a bookmark on vistaprint, put a photo of Tyler at the top, then went through all the memories written about Tyler by his friends, picked out all the descriptive words used to describe Tyler and put those underneath.  I also designed some sticky notes with the logo that his grade had drawn up for the board game café on it. So I put both of these in a baggy together with the wristband Aden had designed and a small chocolate and handed it to every grad that came by. It was awesome and a great way to honour Tyler.

August 21, they were finally able to do the SAFE Grad which was a Fort Gibraltar.  We were invited to come for the last hour of it where they did a toast to Tyler. They made a drink especially for Tyler which they called Rempel Root Beer.  Sarah Veloso said a few words and introduced the toast.  Here’s what she said:

Our friend Tyler Rempel was someone who has had a profound impact on the MBCI graduating class of 2020. Everyone, no matter who you ask, has a fond memory of him. When people remember Tyler, they remember a remarkably intelligent individual, witty, comedic, and creative; someone who could change the mood of a room with the crack of a funny joke or a clever remark. More importantly, Tyler was someone who didn’t have a cruel bone in his body. He was able to empathize with others and see the positives in everyone. Tyler, our fellow classmate and friend, made a lasting impression on all of us. He taught us that life and happiness is best shared in the company of others. I hope that as we all grow apart in our separate lives, we all hold on to each other and our memory of Tyler. So  here is a toast to Tyler, to the graduating class of 2020 and to all of us sharing this moment together! Cheers!

Then they lit sparklers. It was so precious.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Roderick and Tyler

Roderick and Tyler were two quite different boys.  When I was pregnant with Tyler, I remember saying I was hoping for a boy.  I wanted a baby girl one day, but I had this vision of having two little boys playing together especially outdoors in the summer.  I often thought that although we had another baby boy that vision was not a reality. Roderick was so rough and tough and Tyler so sensitive and very easily hurt physically it was a battle.  I often felt like there was more conflict then happy playing although I know that is not true but so it felt.  I remember one time when there had been conflict again and Roderick had hurt Tyler I had enough and told Tyler “why don’t you do your own thing, you and Roderick don’t get along so why don’t you play something else, you don’t have to play with Roderick” and he said. “I don’t want to do my own thing, I want to play with Roderick, I just want you to make him stop hurting me”.  Our three kids usually played together, they rarely each did their own thing, Angeline definitely never played by herself, if the boys were not around she would sit on the rocker and rock until they came to play again, of course this changed a bit when they got older but if we were at home by ourselves you would usually find the three kids together.  So therefore, this caused a lot of conflict because they often had different ideas of what to do or what was fair sharing when they wanted to do the same thing that only one person could.  I remember a mom telling me one time that her children never did anything together they were always in opposite ends of the house.  So much so that if her and her husband ever caught them together discussing something or doing something together, they would nudge each other and watch. That must have been one peaceful house, but it did make me appreciate the fact that our children loved hanging out together even though that also brought a lot of conflict with it. After Roderick went to heaven Tyler mentioned one time that now looking back, he realized Roderick never had bad intentions when he hurt him or played so rough.

Tyler was a very content baby; he did not sleep so well during the night, but he played so content.  Roderick always demanded my time so I would put Tyler down with toys and he played contented for 30 minutes while I went to do stuff with Roderick. When Tyler was 9 months old I became pregnant and I remember worrying a bit about Tyler. Roderick was such a busy child and demanded so much of my time and now we would have another baby that would be very time consuming where would that leave Tyler.  I prayed about it and left it in God’s hands and like I said when Tyler became older he wanted to play with Roderick all time, although when Roderick wasn’t around or did something he did not enjoy he had no problem entertaining himself. He was never afraid to be alone and would not have minded staying at home by himself ever since he was old enough to know what it meant to be alone. He talked though, boy could he talk and ask questions and deep questions at an incredibly young age. I often felt like he was too smart for his age and that caused him some anxiety. One of the things he frequently talked about even when he was in grade 1 and 2 was that he did not feel like he could be a good daddy and wanted to know what would happen if he could not be a good daddy.  Interesting because I remember often thinking in his last years with us what an amazing husband and dad he would be some day and how I wished he could see that, he was our middle child, definitely not used to getting his way and always so sensitive to the feelings of others, my concern was that he would learn to take care of himself as well and that he would be able to see how amazing he was.

I remember one time, he was in grade one or two and we were going to town, I had allowed him to sit shot-gun and he wanted to know what if he became a bad guy when he grew up.  I was distracted and kind of tired of his constant blabber and answered, “you won’t become a bad guy”.  “what if I do?” he insisted.  “You won’t” I repeated but he wouldn’t let it go, “but what if I do?”  I finally looked at him and said “Tyler you don’t just become a bad guy, it’s a choice you make and as long as you try your best to do the right thing you won’t just become a bad guy.”  Again, he wanted to know “but what if I don’t do the right thing and become a bad guy?” I asked, “why would you not do the right thing?”  He said, “well I have to get married to a stranger and what if I’m too embarrassed to pray with her?”  I thought to myself, ‘all these questions because your stressing over the fact in grade 1 that you will be too embarrassed to pray with your wife’. I explained to him that by the time he got married she would no longer be a stranger, but he still felt like he might be embarrassed to pray with his wife. I’m not sure why because he was very open about what he believed but he got in trouble at school for not believing in Santa Claus so maybe some of those situations made him realize that being a Christian was not always the most popular thing and sometimes got him in trouble. Looking back now I wish I had put a little more emphasis on the fact that it would be fine if he didn’t pray with his wife, that we all have weaknesses and if that was his desire God would eventually guide him to be able to do that but it would not make him a bad guy if he didn’t.  

Roderick was not a very fussy baby but right from the start he was kind of busy, I remember telling my mom that Roderick never slept for more then an hour during the day, she could not believe it, that didn’t seem right for a baby but it was always like that. He slept during the night, started sleeping through the night at three months, but not long during the day, even though he wasn’t fussy there was never a break, every 10 minutes or so he needed something.  Interesting I never thought of this before but that is exactly what I said when he passed away, there is no such thing as a day off with Roderick, he was very busy with hockey and friends but if one night we were finally at home relaxing he would come and say “mom are you busy?” he respected if I had something to do but if I didn’t then he could finally get me to take him to the pet store to buy a fish or get those shoes that he needed, which was always true but I just wanted an evening off, I have plenty of evenings off now, don’t appreciate them as much as I thought I would though, well I do, kind of, but I’d be more then happy to take Roderick to what ever he needs.

Although Roderick was a remarkably busy kid there were a couple things we did not have to worry about, he would never wander off, he always made sure he knew where Jake or I were.  He seemed to have this fear of being left alone.  One day when Roderick was three Jake took him to the barn.  At that time, we did not live on the farm and the barn was on a big open property with no way of getting lost.  Roderick wanted to go outside and Jake said he could knowing that he wouldn’t wander off and be back to check if daddy was there quite frequently but this time he lasted quite some time until Jake became worried and went to check on him. He was no where to be seen; Jake called him, but there was no sign of him.  The only thing he could think of was that the cover to the septic was off because we had issues with it, he must have fallen in but there was no sign of that either.  Jake called me in a panic and said Roderick disappeared and he was going to get my brother who lived half a mile down the road to help him look for Roderick. Panic just struck me and I fell to my knees to pray, this could not be happening, Roderick had to be okay and in a few seconds the Lord clearly put this thought in my mind, ‘he is at Tina’s house’, my brother’s wife. I called her and she confirmed he had come in, she asked Roderick if his daddy knew he was there, he said yes. That is the only time Roderick has ever wandered off.

He also never walked into the basement by himself, I was a little concerned about his fear of going into the basement, his bedroom was in the basement, but he always needed someone to go with him.  When I asked him why, he said he was afraid there might be a monster in the basement.  This continued until through grade 5 but he was able to do it in such away that Tyler and Angeline never noticed. In grade five Tyler started noticing and commenting on why he would not go into the basement and asking if he was afraid. Roderick would not admit that, and it ended there.

Not too long before Roderick went to heaven, he was upset at his dad one time because Jake did not allow him to do something he wanted to do.  He went to hockey quite upset and when he came back, I asked if he was still mad at dad. He said, “no because I realize the only one that’s going to suffer by my anger is me.” We discussed it a bit and he did not mean that it wasn’t hurting us when he got angry but that it wouldn’t make any difference, dad wouldn’t change his mind because he was angry and if anything he would just get in more trouble.  I thought that was incredibly wise of him to realize that and control his anger so quickly.

How did you take this photo?

In the last months before Tyler went to heaven, I complimented him one time on his wisdom and knowledge and remarked how much potential he had, I could see him growing up to be successful. He burst out “your expectations of me are much to high, all I can do is have a mediocre life.” I was a bit taken aback by his outburst but walked over to him so I could face him and gently asked “what does mediocre mean to you? Would you call Dad and my life mediocre?” I told him he could do the same thing. Although he had a much better education then us and I could see a lot of potential in so many areas, this door is always open.  I told him he would have to work hard but eventually he would be where we are, and “we have no problem if you want to farm with us.” Shortly thereafter he came to me and said he had thought about it and he liked the kind of life dad has. He was his own boss and had a few employees working for him and could basically do what he wanted. He was considering doing that.  It seemed to give him new hope. Not long after that when I took him to an appointment he again talked about his dreams and how he was thinking about managing the farm so he had an income and didn’t have to worry about how to make a living and then on the side as a hobby do the things he loved.  He said he had never thought of himself as a writer but he realized if he could write about things he was interested in then he really enjoyed writing and he would like to write essays on video games, I think something like that, I so much wish I could remember what he called that kind of writing, he had a title for it. Those are precious memories to me when he opened and shared his dreams with me. 

Tyler was open about the fact that he did not like hugs and his cousins all knew that, so I didn’t hugged him much in the later years knowing that he did not really want hugs. Instead of hugging him good night I would just give him a pat on the shoulder or something but every once in a while he would give me a hug and that would make me feel so special because I knew he didn’t like hugs. They weren’t necessarily always in private either, it could also be when I picked him up from a friends sleepover party in front of his fiends. When I would comment on it, he would say, “I’m not like that, I’m not embarrassed to hug you in front of my friends.” 

Giving gifts was not Tyler’s thing either. Angeline loved giving gifts and would get something for Tyler on his birthday or for Christmas and Tyler would feel so bad that he had never gotten her anything, same with his cousins they would give him something on his birthday or even just send him a message and he would comment to me that he felt so bad that he had not remembered their birthday but he always remembered to get me something for mother’s day. It also made me feel so special because I knew that remembering to buy gifts was not easy for him. He did get Angeline something for her last birthday and Christmas as well.

OK, this wasn't so hard

I remember in grade five Roderick had some issues with one of his classmates. This boy was constantly doing stuff that was irritating and unkind and one day Roderick had enough and yanked him by his hoodie. He got sent to the office and I got a call from the school. When I talked to him, he was so upset that he got in trouble and this boy in Roderick’s opinion never got in trouble for all the stuff he did. I simply told him that I agreed and that a lot of the things this classmate did were unkind but I said “I don’t care if he has done a million things that are wrong but you did something here that was wrong and whether your classmate ever apologizes or not you still apologize for the mistake you made.” Roderick got it and was willing to apologize, I was so proud of him.

Roderick went through a period as well where he did not like me to hug him much, but he never said anything to others and let all his Aunties and cousins hug him when they came over.  One day when he had just given a bunch of extended family hugs as they were leaving, I said to him, “how come do your Aunties and cousins get hugs from you but I don’t?” He told me he did not want to offend them, ‘but you understand mom’. Somehow, he was able to say it in such a way that I felt incredibly honoured that he felt I understood him. In the last year or so before he went to heaven, when he asked for something whether it was a small favour or something bigger, he would often end his request with “I’ll give you a hug?” bargain. One time when he was facetiming a friend, he called me over and gave me a hug just to prove to his friend that he was not embarrassed to give his mom a hug.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Focusing on Truth

At times we can get caught up in fighting the devil constantly. We talk about all the lies that he puts in our minds, lies like it’s our fault that our son died, or if only I had done this, or if only the doctor had done things different he would still be here.  We are just focused on all the things the devil throws our way. The Bible says resist the devil and he will flee from us. It says he will flee so why then do we sometimes spend all day and all week and always fighting the devil is it maybe because we are focused on the lies and just resisting them without using the truth in return. If we have our shield of faith ready and with confidence hold it up and every dart just hits the shield the devil does flee, he hates a fight where he loses every time. We say the devil puts these lies in our mind and we cannot listen to him, but do we grab our belt of truth and speak the truth instead.

Tim Keller says: “This is something all people in the midst of suffering and trials must remember. Yes, we must listen to our hearts. We must learn what we can about ourselves by an honest look at our feelings. But we must not only listen to our hearts, we should also talk to them. We should listen for the premises of the heart’s reasoning, but we should challenge those premises where they are wrong, and they often are. We may hear our heart say, “It’s hopeless!” but we should argue back. We should say, “Well, that depends on what you were hoping in. Was that the right thing to put so much hope in?”

“Where do we find a true picture of Who God is? When our hearts have been ripped open and when we cannot breathe because it hurts too much and when all we can ask is why? Why? Why? Why? Why?...then instead of struggling with questions that we don’t and may never have answers for; as a family and a community, instead of asking those questions could we settle in on some statements that we know to be true and that we know to be brilliantly strong?  And anytime your brain, your emotions and your thoughts begin to ask questions that you don’t have answers for could you replace those questions with statements that are true.” I am quoting our pastor on Roderick’s celebration service.  This is one of the things he mentioned more than once in our home and it has helped me a lot.  Focus and what you know is true and do not allow yourself to go to all the questions and doubts that you will never have answers for.  The three statements that he mentioned in the service were: 1. God is an intimate God, up close and personal. 2. God is grieving with us; He also misses having my boys here on earth serving his kingdom. 3. Heaven is for real; we will see and meat the boys again. 

Whenever all these lies, questions and what ifs come to my mind, I shake those off and go to the statements I know to be true. We have enough truth to focus on, we do not have to listen to lies.  

 I find it helps to not even allow the devil to come close at all, as soon as the lie is thrown at me from a distance, I say “The truth is...” When I go to the board game café to celebrate and remember Tyler it’s hard that he’s not there, it’s even painful to see that all his friends are there and enjoying each other’s company while their mother’s watch them with pride and my son is missing but I don’t’ even allow myself to think those thoughts. The truth is my son is not missing he is with us and we are celebrating him.  He is in heaven, in the spiritual realm where there are no lies, he is cheering us on. He is much happier than we are, and he is not missing out, just because my sons were able to go to heaven early does not mean they are not alive and happy.  Just because they went to a different country called heaven does not mean they are not real. So, I do not allow that lie even to come close, I resist it as soon as it comes and then I rejoice that so many amazing friends remember Tyler and have been so profoundly impacted by his life.

“I can’t do it, it is to painful” is something you hear a lot especially from grief stricken parents, I’ve said it myself and I’m not saying that there are no appropriate times to say this but I wonder if many times we say this because we have allowed the lies to become so loud in our hearts that the truth is too faint.  We need to speak back to our hearts with the truth as soon as those lies are thrown at us while they are still faint from a distance. I try not to tell people that Roderick should be here, or it’s not fair that Tyler can’t graduate because it’s not the truth, the truth is they are where they want to be and they had a far more wonderful graduation then any of their friends will have.  Now I do not mean I do not struggle with these things and that I do not tell my friends that it is painful for me to celebrate Tyler when he is not here in person.  It is hard and painful here on earth, and yea the truth is that those lies are always lurking in the background ready to attack, so much so that by the end of an evening of celebration I feel drained and am glad the event is over.  There are times where I allow myself a good cry wanting my boys to be here but then I go back to the truth and I refuse to forget that my sons are celebrating and happy and that they are not missing out. And I think about the fact that for me to just wish them back is selfish and that it is quite alright for me to suffer a bit, but my boys are not suffering and that is more important.

So I look at it this way, if the devil throws a dart at me I turn my shield towards that dart, if another comes I do it again but if every dart hits my faith the devil runs very quickly and I can turn towards and focus on my Saviour and he brings incredible comfort and light in the midst of darkness but those lies need to be hushed for that to happen.     


If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.