Roderick and Tyler

Roderick and Tyler were two quite different boys.  When I was pregnant with Tyler, I remember saying I was hoping for a boy.  I wanted a baby girl one day, but I had this vision of having two little boys playing together especially outdoors in the summer.  I often thought that although we had another baby boy that vision was not a reality. Roderick was so rough and tough and Tyler so sensitive and very easily hurt physically it was a battle.  I often felt like there was more conflict then happy playing although I know that is not true but so it felt.  I remember one time when there had been conflict again and Roderick had hurt Tyler I had enough and told Tyler “why don’t you do your own thing, you and Roderick don’t get along so why don’t you play something else, you don’t have to play with Roderick” and he said. “I don’t want to do my own thing, I want to play with Roderick, I just want you to make him stop hurting me”.  Our three kids usually played together, they rarely each did their own thing, Angeline definitely never played by herself, if the boys were not around she would sit on the rocker and rock until they came to play again, of course this changed a bit when they got older but if we were at home by ourselves you would usually find the three kids together.  So therefore, this caused a lot of conflict because they often had different ideas of what to do or what was fair sharing when they wanted to do the same thing that only one person could.  I remember a mom telling me one time that her children never did anything together they were always in opposite ends of the house.  So much so that if her and her husband ever caught them together discussing something or doing something together, they would nudge each other and watch. That must have been one peaceful house, but it did make me appreciate the fact that our children loved hanging out together even though that also brought a lot of conflict with it. After Roderick went to heaven Tyler mentioned one time that now looking back, he realized Roderick never had bad intentions when he hurt him or played so rough.

Tyler was a very content baby; he did not sleep so well during the night, but he played so content.  Roderick always demanded my time so I would put Tyler down with toys and he played contented for 30 minutes while I went to do stuff with Roderick. When Tyler was 9 months old I became pregnant and I remember worrying a bit about Tyler. Roderick was such a busy child and demanded so much of my time and now we would have another baby that would be very time consuming where would that leave Tyler.  I prayed about it and left it in God’s hands and like I said when Tyler became older he wanted to play with Roderick all time, although when Roderick wasn’t around or did something he did not enjoy he had no problem entertaining himself. He was never afraid to be alone and would not have minded staying at home by himself ever since he was old enough to know what it meant to be alone. He talked though, boy could he talk and ask questions and deep questions at an incredibly young age. I often felt like he was too smart for his age and that caused him some anxiety. One of the things he frequently talked about even when he was in grade 1 and 2 was that he did not feel like he could be a good daddy and wanted to know what would happen if he could not be a good daddy.  Interesting because I remember often thinking in his last years with us what an amazing husband and dad he would be some day and how I wished he could see that, he was our middle child, definitely not used to getting his way and always so sensitive to the feelings of others, my concern was that he would learn to take care of himself as well and that he would be able to see how amazing he was.

I remember one time, he was in grade one or two and we were going to town, I had allowed him to sit shot-gun and he wanted to know what if he became a bad guy when he grew up.  I was distracted and kind of tired of his constant blabber and answered, “you won’t become a bad guy”.  “what if I do?” he insisted.  “You won’t” I repeated but he wouldn’t let it go, “but what if I do?”  I finally looked at him and said “Tyler you don’t just become a bad guy, it’s a choice you make and as long as you try your best to do the right thing you won’t just become a bad guy.”  Again, he wanted to know “but what if I don’t do the right thing and become a bad guy?” I asked, “why would you not do the right thing?”  He said, “well I have to get married to a stranger and what if I’m too embarrassed to pray with her?”  I thought to myself, ‘all these questions because your stressing over the fact in grade 1 that you will be too embarrassed to pray with your wife’. I explained to him that by the time he got married she would no longer be a stranger, but he still felt like he might be embarrassed to pray with his wife. I’m not sure why because he was very open about what he believed but he got in trouble at school for not believing in Santa Claus so maybe some of those situations made him realize that being a Christian was not always the most popular thing and sometimes got him in trouble. Looking back now I wish I had put a little more emphasis on the fact that it would be fine if he didn’t pray with his wife, that we all have weaknesses and if that was his desire God would eventually guide him to be able to do that but it would not make him a bad guy if he didn’t.  

Roderick was not a very fussy baby but right from the start he was kind of busy, I remember telling my mom that Roderick never slept for more then an hour during the day, she could not believe it, that didn’t seem right for a baby but it was always like that. He slept during the night, started sleeping through the night at three months, but not long during the day, even though he wasn’t fussy there was never a break, every 10 minutes or so he needed something.  Interesting I never thought of this before but that is exactly what I said when he passed away, there is no such thing as a day off with Roderick, he was very busy with hockey and friends but if one night we were finally at home relaxing he would come and say “mom are you busy?” he respected if I had something to do but if I didn’t then he could finally get me to take him to the pet store to buy a fish or get those shoes that he needed, which was always true but I just wanted an evening off, I have plenty of evenings off now, don’t appreciate them as much as I thought I would though, well I do, kind of, but I’d be more then happy to take Roderick to what ever he needs.

Although Roderick was a remarkably busy kid there were a couple things we did not have to worry about, he would never wander off, he always made sure he knew where Jake or I were.  He seemed to have this fear of being left alone.  One day when Roderick was three Jake took him to the barn.  At that time, we did not live on the farm and the barn was on a big open property with no way of getting lost.  Roderick wanted to go outside and Jake said he could knowing that he wouldn’t wander off and be back to check if daddy was there quite frequently but this time he lasted quite some time until Jake became worried and went to check on him. He was no where to be seen; Jake called him, but there was no sign of him.  The only thing he could think of was that the cover to the septic was off because we had issues with it, he must have fallen in but there was no sign of that either.  Jake called me in a panic and said Roderick disappeared and he was going to get my brother who lived half a mile down the road to help him look for Roderick. Panic just struck me and I fell to my knees to pray, this could not be happening, Roderick had to be okay and in a few seconds the Lord clearly put this thought in my mind, ‘he is at Tina’s house’, my brother’s wife. I called her and she confirmed he had come in, she asked Roderick if his daddy knew he was there, he said yes. That is the only time Roderick has ever wandered off.

He also never walked into the basement by himself, I was a little concerned about his fear of going into the basement, his bedroom was in the basement, but he always needed someone to go with him.  When I asked him why, he said he was afraid there might be a monster in the basement.  This continued until through grade 5 but he was able to do it in such away that Tyler and Angeline never noticed. In grade five Tyler started noticing and commenting on why he would not go into the basement and asking if he was afraid. Roderick would not admit that, and it ended there.

Not too long before Roderick went to heaven, he was upset at his dad one time because Jake did not allow him to do something he wanted to do.  He went to hockey quite upset and when he came back, I asked if he was still mad at dad. He said, “no because I realize the only one that’s going to suffer by my anger is me.” We discussed it a bit and he did not mean that it wasn’t hurting us when he got angry but that it wouldn’t make any difference, dad wouldn’t change his mind because he was angry and if anything he would just get in more trouble.  I thought that was incredibly wise of him to realize that and control his anger so quickly.

How did you take this photo?

In the last months before Tyler went to heaven, I complimented him one time on his wisdom and knowledge and remarked how much potential he had, I could see him growing up to be successful. He burst out “your expectations of me are much to high, all I can do is have a mediocre life.” I was a bit taken aback by his outburst but walked over to him so I could face him and gently asked “what does mediocre mean to you? Would you call Dad and my life mediocre?” I told him he could do the same thing. Although he had a much better education then us and I could see a lot of potential in so many areas, this door is always open.  I told him he would have to work hard but eventually he would be where we are, and “we have no problem if you want to farm with us.” Shortly thereafter he came to me and said he had thought about it and he liked the kind of life dad has. He was his own boss and had a few employees working for him and could basically do what he wanted. He was considering doing that.  It seemed to give him new hope. Not long after that when I took him to an appointment he again talked about his dreams and how he was thinking about managing the farm so he had an income and didn’t have to worry about how to make a living and then on the side as a hobby do the things he loved.  He said he had never thought of himself as a writer but he realized if he could write about things he was interested in then he really enjoyed writing and he would like to write essays on video games, I think something like that, I so much wish I could remember what he called that kind of writing, he had a title for it. Those are precious memories to me when he opened and shared his dreams with me. 

Tyler was open about the fact that he did not like hugs and his cousins all knew that, so I didn’t hugged him much in the later years knowing that he did not really want hugs. Instead of hugging him good night I would just give him a pat on the shoulder or something but every once in a while he would give me a hug and that would make me feel so special because I knew he didn’t like hugs. They weren’t necessarily always in private either, it could also be when I picked him up from a friends sleepover party in front of his fiends. When I would comment on it, he would say, “I’m not like that, I’m not embarrassed to hug you in front of my friends.” 

Giving gifts was not Tyler’s thing either. Angeline loved giving gifts and would get something for Tyler on his birthday or for Christmas and Tyler would feel so bad that he had never gotten her anything, same with his cousins they would give him something on his birthday or even just send him a message and he would comment to me that he felt so bad that he had not remembered their birthday but he always remembered to get me something for mother’s day. It also made me feel so special because I knew that remembering to buy gifts was not easy for him. He did get Angeline something for her last birthday and Christmas as well.

OK, this wasn't so hard

I remember in grade five Roderick had some issues with one of his classmates. This boy was constantly doing stuff that was irritating and unkind and one day Roderick had enough and yanked him by his hoodie. He got sent to the office and I got a call from the school. When I talked to him, he was so upset that he got in trouble and this boy in Roderick’s opinion never got in trouble for all the stuff he did. I simply told him that I agreed and that a lot of the things this classmate did were unkind but I said “I don’t care if he has done a million things that are wrong but you did something here that was wrong and whether your classmate ever apologizes or not you still apologize for the mistake you made.” Roderick got it and was willing to apologize, I was so proud of him.

Roderick went through a period as well where he did not like me to hug him much, but he never said anything to others and let all his Aunties and cousins hug him when they came over.  One day when he had just given a bunch of extended family hugs as they were leaving, I said to him, “how come do your Aunties and cousins get hugs from you but I don’t?” He told me he did not want to offend them, ‘but you understand mom’. Somehow, he was able to say it in such a way that I felt incredibly honoured that he felt I understood him. In the last year or so before he went to heaven, when he asked for something whether it was a small favour or something bigger, he would often end his request with “I’ll give you a hug?” bargain. One time when he was facetiming a friend, he called me over and gave me a hug just to prove to his friend that he was not embarrassed to give his mom a hug.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.