Determined

  “Do you still find yourself crying almost every day?”  I was asked recently.  “I can’t imagine that I would ever stop crying if one of my kids passed away”, she added. 

   Isn’t it interesting I would have said the same thing before Roderick left us; I would not have thought I could do it, and yet it’s more painful then I could have imagined.  The Lord gives the strength we need and we choose to control our minds.  When it gets to hard we choose to lock it out for a bit but then when the pressure builds up to much we open up again and let it out.  We don’t want to cry all day so we choose not to let our thoughts wander to deep into the situation but then when it gets to hard to control we take time to think about it and cry for a bit and then move on again. 

   We are determined to grieve and heal in a healthy way; we do not want to get stuck in grief or fall into depression.  There is only one healthy way, which is to turn to God.  I don’t know how people can do it without faith and honestly they can’t.  We see a lot of people sinking into depression or turning to alcohol.  I don’t blame them; there are days where we get tired of the battle.  But when we turn to God, He always finds ways to comfort us, at times we just wait a bit to long to turn to Him. 

   Our pastor has told us right from the start and so have other caring people there is no formula, there is no certain way to grieve we all grieve in our own way and that’s ok but we do know there are some pitfalls to watch out for.  If we refuse to talk about it and even think about it we know that we’re going to explode eventually from all the pressure.  If that’s the only thing we talk about and think about we can’t move on and live life again so now to find the balance.  At times we have to do things just to survive.  Like I said before at times it just becomes to hard and in order to live life we just choose to push any thoughts of Roderick aside for a while to avoid the pain but then eventually we realize we have to take time to grieve so as not to let the pressure become to much.

   After the first month it seemed my tears had dried up, I did not cry much anymore.  For a while there, I would have times where I would feel depression pressing down on me even though I couldn’t tell exactly why so I just knew I needed to take time to pray and look at pictures of Roderick, or read some of the memories about Roderick or even write down my own memories and have a good cry and then I felt better again. 

   I know that we have and will make mistakes on this journey and we have to be ready to quickly ask the Lord to lift us out when we’ve fallen into a pit and then move on again.  We have so many friends who are there for us, it’s incredible but then there is the occasional person who we thought would have been close enough to care but doesn’t seem to be touched by it much, what I tend to do is just kind of push them out of my circle and leave them by the wayside but I realize I cannot just ignore those feelings because I need to forgive and love them, after all Jesus loves them and how often have I done the same thing in situations before this happened.  I also realize things aren’t always, as they seem.  I lean so heavily on God and His comfort I cannot allow any bitterness or resentment to keep me from Him but here again I also realize that God does not expect me to be perfect and when I do make mistakes He is still there to put His arms around me and comfort me.

   Lately I find myself crying almost everyday a bit here and a bit there.  I miss Roderick and him not being here but I don’t find the pain so intense.  I enjoy working again but any memory of Roderick will quickly bring some tears to my eyes.  I am looking forward to the day when those memories will bring a smile to my face rather then tears to my eyes. 

   So again, we are determined to heal in a healthy way and turn to God through the good times and bad.  We will come from mourning to joy.  We will repent when we make mistakes and we will continue to make a difference in this world until the day our work is done and we can join Roderick in heaven our true home.

City Midget Sharks Eulogy

Hi, I’m Ryan and on behalf of the City Midget Sharks team we are sharing some of our best memories of Roderick, I had the privilege of calling Roderick my teammate for the last 5 years in both winter and Spring Hockey, starting with A1 all the way up to triple A.  Some of you may know that Roderick grew faster then lots of us and those of you who know Roderick will not be surprised when I tell you that one of his talents quickly became hitting.  One of my personal favourite memories and probably one of our whole team’s favourite memories was at our tryout game against Eastman at the beginning of the season.  There was a huge kid easily the biggest on the ice.  Everyone seemed a bit intimidated just looking at this kid’s size, that is, until he came down the boards and Roderick just destroyed him.  The whole team was astonished started to laugh and that settled our nerves and our game quickly picked up after this. My teammate Cole will now share some more words about him on the ice.

My name is Cole and I was Roderick’s D-Partner.  Roderick and I were good friends and one of my favorite memories about Rod was one game we were playing Eastman and he came up to me in between the second and third period and he was all pisst off that I had 9 more penalty minutes then him this season.  So it was the third period and it was his shift and he went out and got a penalty as soon as the shift started and he came off after the penalty and told me it still wasn’t enough.  So we were down a goal, it was the end of the third period and Roderick was out and someone poked the goalie and of course he was there to back up our team and he got tossed and he got 10 minutes penalty and we lost the game and we went in the room, he was just sitting there with a huge smile on his face. And he came and started bragging to me that he had more penalty minutes and I just laughed with him.  Thank-you

Hi I’m Jordan and I’ll be talking about what Roderick was to our team.  Roderick was a kid that any coach wanted on their team. He was hard working, tough and never afraid to stick up for his teammates.  Every time a guy got a cheap hit on one of our guys Roderick was always there.  He had our backs.  Roderick was one of those kids that give a hundred and ten percent every game.  He would back check, battle and he would hit some kids so hard that our team would freak out and we would get all pumped up.  Whenever you fell down, Roderick was always there for you.  Roderick was also one of those guys that off the ice he would always give you a ride, he would give you some tape, sip of his water, some shampoo, some ice tea and he would always give it to you without even hesitation.  He was an amazing teammate and an even better friend.  All of us on the sharks will always miss him and we’ll always be teammates forever.  Thank-you

These are the words of three of Roderick’s teammates shared at Roderick’s service.  Roderick spent a couple hours on the ice and in the dressing room five to six days a week through the last winter with these teammates.  The whole team was very touched by the loss of Roderick.  On Tuesday night after the accident a whole group of them came to our door brought us the jersey Roderick has worn at all his home games the last season.  They had all signed it and written a message on it.  They all gave us a hug and we invited them into our basement and spent some time talking about Roderick’s passion for hockey, his accident, and his last days.  Quite a few of them have later dropped by to show their love and support.  These are amazing hockey players who spend so much time working out, bodybuilding, always practicing to become better and tougher hockey players but one of their own, leaving them so suddenly, I've seen their hearts melt and they become so sensitive and tender.  Bless you guys, you will always be special to us.  THANKS FOR THE JERSEY!

Toughest D-Man I ever coached, Miss You! -Coach Jerald; Run that blue line up there bud! Love ya -Kraz: Thanks for all the tape, Rip Rod -Reid #2; Rest well my friend -Corey; RIP Big Guy, we miss you -Merner #7; Thanks for always having my back -Comeau #37; Rest in Peace Rod -C.Nepinak #16; Rest Easy Big Rig! -#35; Rest Easy Bud -#14; Love u Buddy! -Ryan R #12; Rest in Peace Rod RIP -#18; Love You -Jordan #1; Rest easy Rod love You Buddy -Codey Behun #15; Sharks! -?; Thanks for the ice tea! -Krowetz #3; Rest Easy Love You -#9; We love you Rod Rest Easy -#11; Rest Easy Rod Love you buddy! -Curtis Rebeck #19; Rest in Peace Rod -Graeson #10; Love you Rod Rest easy -#5; Rest easy big guy love you #8 Couch; Rest Easy Buddy Love you -#17 Nolan Koop; R.I.P. -Matt Wessel
TEAMMATES FOREVER

Stanton's Eulogy

  

Since the day Roderick was born he was a risk taker.  At the young age of probably nine he had a little 50cc Honda dirt bike.  We found a perfect spot at the farm, we took our bikes over Victor and Joni’s driveway over and over just jumping up and down, over and over all day, he’d crash, he’d fall down, you could tell it hurt, he’d scratch his knees up, scratch his arms up, but he was tough, he was the toughest.  He’d never let me see him cry.

   Roderick loved hockey he was proud of his teammates, and appreciative of his coaches.  Almost every time he came back from practice he’d tell me of the goal he scored during a drill or the locker room jokes and pranks they pulled.  He began making iced tea before every game just recently.  It helped him have a good game so he thought.  A few weeks ago he ran out of iced tee just before a game and just a couple minutes before, well an hour before the game started he dropped by our place, he swung by and saw Trevor, he asked us if we had any iced tee left, he needed some for the game.  We didn’t have any.  He still played well.

   Roderick knew what it was to be a friend.  He took time for the people he cared about.  He noticed what his friends were passionate about, caught on and became just as excited about it.  He found ways to turn frowns into smiles, always knew how to make people happy, just seeing him walk into the room, you could tell the whole atmosphere had right away changed.

   He was a hero to his younger cousins, a leader to his peers, and a blessing to his elders.

   Roderick was always a strong competitor, whether it was track and field, winning ribbons; hockey, winning medals or back yard wrestling matches, he would always fight hard and give it his best shot until the very end. 

   You won the race buddy, you did well, I’ll meet you at the finish line when I get there. 

   Stanton was Roderick’s hero right from the start.  My sister married Jake’s brother and their oldest son; Stanton was three years older then Roderick. Roderick was nine when Stanton’s family moved to Mexico, it was only then that Roderick started hanging out with other friends before that it was all about Stanton.  But Stanton and Roderick always stayed close.  In the summer of 2014 Stanton came to live with us so he could play football.  That bonded the two cousins even more.  After Stanton left at the end of the football season Roderick wrote, “we are no longer relatives, this summer we became brothers”.   In June of 2015 Stanton and his family moved back to Winnipeg and the two boys hung out many nights, throwing the football, or playing NHL on the Xbox.  Every time Stanton comes into the house a small part of Roderick comes in with him.  He’s such a pleasure to have.

Conflicting Feelings

    Another morning started, again you could see the intense pain in Jake’s eyes.  He said Good morning and answered my questions politely and lovingly but did not say much else and his eyes looked so dark and filled with pain.  It was about two months after the accident.  The morning started good for me, I had sent out thank-you emails to friends who had brought us meals but then the depression started pressing down on me. I went outside to work and I started crying.  I was tired of being the strong one.  Jake didn’t seem to get good days.  Every day was a struggle for him. I was tired of making myself have good days to be strong for the family and when I actually did have a good day I felt guilty because Jake didn’t get good days.  I just wanted him to have a good week so I could lean on him.  I knew God was the one I really needed and that I had better go to Him before my feelings got out of control.  I remembered learning in the Grief Share Course we were attending that we needed to visualize Scripture so I did that, the Bible talks about angels ministering to us so I envisioned angels coming down surrounding me and encouraging me.  Just like that the Lord started giving me all these encouraging thoughts, I didn’t have to be strong on my own, it was ok to grieve, there was no rush for us, God would take us through and He would take us through as a family.

   Jake was really struggling with the fact that the accident happened in the basement, just going into the basement was hard for him, also the house seemed so extremely empty, he felt like the empty hole Roderick left was to much to bare.  If we’d move into a new house we wouldn’t be reminded of the emptiness every time we opened our eyes.  Angeline and I both struggled with the fact that we would then leave Roderick even further behind this being the place where all the memories had been built but I decided that if Jake needed that it might be good for us.   Tyler was good either way.  One time when Jake’s sister was over he mentioned it and decided that we would go drive around the area and look at a good house that was up for sale, somehow that was so painful for me, I could not bare the thought of leaving the house that had all the memories of Roderick, I felt like we were completely ditching him, I wanted to hold unto what little bit we have left of him.  When I finally told Jake how I felt, he said he had felt the same way.  When we came home that day after looking at the house he realized this is our home and for now we need our home. 

   This experience caused me to realize that when we grieve in different ways we still need to pull together and not allow it to pull us apart.  Jake had a couple of very tough weeks there.  He said, as much as he tried he could not seem to find peace.  He felt like he tried to pray but that didn’t even work.  He kept seeing Roderick’s lifeless body and the accident rather then being able to imagine Roderick in heaven, joyful in the presence of our Savior.  In the end God did give him an incredible peace and a dream where he saw Roderick so happy which helped him immensely.  He went through a rough couple weeks but has been our strong pillar through this whole time, always there for us, protecting us and loving us. 

   One of the things that has really shocked me or I’ve never experienced before is the opposite feelings that can come at the exact same time in so many different ways. Every place you look the pain and emptiness of Roderick not being there, yet also the precious memories in every corner.

   As I mentioned in that one photo where Roderick stands with the gun in hand and a goose in the other.  The pain of seeing the gun that took Roderick’s life then remembering the excitement he felt when he shot his first goose. 

   Feeling so utterly lost in the darkness yet feeling the arms of God’s love around us in the circle of His light. 

   All the stories we hear about how Roderick has impacted lives bring so much joy yet so much sadness.

   Checking on the kids at night fearful that something might have happened to them or is it just gratitude that we still have them? 

   Hugging each other, so grateful that we are together as a family yet so painful that our family has been torn apart.

   When friends ask how we are doing, do I answer very good or horrible?  We’ve never felt such immense peace yet the storm has never raged so strong.

   I could never have imagined how hard it would be to loose a child but I could never have imagined how real our faith would become. 
   Roderick has left us yet he is always with us.

   At times I feel so alone yet I have never before realized what a huge crowd of friends surround us loving and supporting us. 

   And so the list goes on.  We’re doing great but we’re struggling a lot.  It’s hard but God is carrying us through.  We’re going to get through this but often not sure how.  God is always with us but we can’t always feel it.  People keep telling us we are so strong but at times I feel like screaming.  Sometimes I wish we could just all join Roderick in heaven but we are still breathing so what choice do we have, there’s nothing left but to be strong.  So that’s what we intend to do, keep being strong and although we can never do that on our own we will keep drawing from our Savior who continues to give us strength.