Determined

  “Do you still find yourself crying almost every day?”  I was asked recently.  “I can’t imagine that I would ever stop crying if one of my kids passed away”, she added. 

   Isn’t it interesting I would have said the same thing before Roderick left us; I would not have thought I could do it, and yet it’s more painful then I could have imagined.  The Lord gives the strength we need and we choose to control our minds.  When it gets to hard we choose to lock it out for a bit but then when the pressure builds up to much we open up again and let it out.  We don’t want to cry all day so we choose not to let our thoughts wander to deep into the situation but then when it gets to hard to control we take time to think about it and cry for a bit and then move on again. 

   We are determined to grieve and heal in a healthy way; we do not want to get stuck in grief or fall into depression.  There is only one healthy way, which is to turn to God.  I don’t know how people can do it without faith and honestly they can’t.  We see a lot of people sinking into depression or turning to alcohol.  I don’t blame them; there are days where we get tired of the battle.  But when we turn to God, He always finds ways to comfort us, at times we just wait a bit to long to turn to Him. 

   Our pastor has told us right from the start and so have other caring people there is no formula, there is no certain way to grieve we all grieve in our own way and that’s ok but we do know there are some pitfalls to watch out for.  If we refuse to talk about it and even think about it we know that we’re going to explode eventually from all the pressure.  If that’s the only thing we talk about and think about we can’t move on and live life again so now to find the balance.  At times we have to do things just to survive.  Like I said before at times it just becomes to hard and in order to live life we just choose to push any thoughts of Roderick aside for a while to avoid the pain but then eventually we realize we have to take time to grieve so as not to let the pressure become to much.

   After the first month it seemed my tears had dried up, I did not cry much anymore.  For a while there, I would have times where I would feel depression pressing down on me even though I couldn’t tell exactly why so I just knew I needed to take time to pray and look at pictures of Roderick, or read some of the memories about Roderick or even write down my own memories and have a good cry and then I felt better again. 

   I know that we have and will make mistakes on this journey and we have to be ready to quickly ask the Lord to lift us out when we’ve fallen into a pit and then move on again.  We have so many friends who are there for us, it’s incredible but then there is the occasional person who we thought would have been close enough to care but doesn’t seem to be touched by it much, what I tend to do is just kind of push them out of my circle and leave them by the wayside but I realize I cannot just ignore those feelings because I need to forgive and love them, after all Jesus loves them and how often have I done the same thing in situations before this happened.  I also realize things aren’t always, as they seem.  I lean so heavily on God and His comfort I cannot allow any bitterness or resentment to keep me from Him but here again I also realize that God does not expect me to be perfect and when I do make mistakes He is still there to put His arms around me and comfort me.

   Lately I find myself crying almost everyday a bit here and a bit there.  I miss Roderick and him not being here but I don’t find the pain so intense.  I enjoy working again but any memory of Roderick will quickly bring some tears to my eyes.  I am looking forward to the day when those memories will bring a smile to my face rather then tears to my eyes. 

   So again, we are determined to heal in a healthy way and turn to God through the good times and bad.  We will come from mourning to joy.  We will repent when we make mistakes and we will continue to make a difference in this world until the day our work is done and we can join Roderick in heaven our true home.