Conflicting Feelings

    Another morning started, again you could see the intense pain in Jake’s eyes.  He said Good morning and answered my questions politely and lovingly but did not say much else and his eyes looked so dark and filled with pain.  It was about two months after the accident.  The morning started good for me, I had sent out thank-you emails to friends who had brought us meals but then the depression started pressing down on me. I went outside to work and I started crying.  I was tired of being the strong one.  Jake didn’t seem to get good days.  Every day was a struggle for him. I was tired of making myself have good days to be strong for the family and when I actually did have a good day I felt guilty because Jake didn’t get good days.  I just wanted him to have a good week so I could lean on him.  I knew God was the one I really needed and that I had better go to Him before my feelings got out of control.  I remembered learning in the Grief Share Course we were attending that we needed to visualize Scripture so I did that, the Bible talks about angels ministering to us so I envisioned angels coming down surrounding me and encouraging me.  Just like that the Lord started giving me all these encouraging thoughts, I didn’t have to be strong on my own, it was ok to grieve, there was no rush for us, God would take us through and He would take us through as a family.

   Jake was really struggling with the fact that the accident happened in the basement, just going into the basement was hard for him, also the house seemed so extremely empty, he felt like the empty hole Roderick left was to much to bare.  If we’d move into a new house we wouldn’t be reminded of the emptiness every time we opened our eyes.  Angeline and I both struggled with the fact that we would then leave Roderick even further behind this being the place where all the memories had been built but I decided that if Jake needed that it might be good for us.   Tyler was good either way.  One time when Jake’s sister was over he mentioned it and decided that we would go drive around the area and look at a good house that was up for sale, somehow that was so painful for me, I could not bare the thought of leaving the house that had all the memories of Roderick, I felt like we were completely ditching him, I wanted to hold unto what little bit we have left of him.  When I finally told Jake how I felt, he said he had felt the same way.  When we came home that day after looking at the house he realized this is our home and for now we need our home. 

   This experience caused me to realize that when we grieve in different ways we still need to pull together and not allow it to pull us apart.  Jake had a couple of very tough weeks there.  He said, as much as he tried he could not seem to find peace.  He felt like he tried to pray but that didn’t even work.  He kept seeing Roderick’s lifeless body and the accident rather then being able to imagine Roderick in heaven, joyful in the presence of our Savior.  In the end God did give him an incredible peace and a dream where he saw Roderick so happy which helped him immensely.  He went through a rough couple weeks but has been our strong pillar through this whole time, always there for us, protecting us and loving us. 

   One of the things that has really shocked me or I’ve never experienced before is the opposite feelings that can come at the exact same time in so many different ways. Every place you look the pain and emptiness of Roderick not being there, yet also the precious memories in every corner.

   As I mentioned in that one photo where Roderick stands with the gun in hand and a goose in the other.  The pain of seeing the gun that took Roderick’s life then remembering the excitement he felt when he shot his first goose. 

   Feeling so utterly lost in the darkness yet feeling the arms of God’s love around us in the circle of His light. 

   All the stories we hear about how Roderick has impacted lives bring so much joy yet so much sadness.

   Checking on the kids at night fearful that something might have happened to them or is it just gratitude that we still have them? 

   Hugging each other, so grateful that we are together as a family yet so painful that our family has been torn apart.

   When friends ask how we are doing, do I answer very good or horrible?  We’ve never felt such immense peace yet the storm has never raged so strong.

   I could never have imagined how hard it would be to loose a child but I could never have imagined how real our faith would become. 
   Roderick has left us yet he is always with us.

   At times I feel so alone yet I have never before realized what a huge crowd of friends surround us loving and supporting us. 

   And so the list goes on.  We’re doing great but we’re struggling a lot.  It’s hard but God is carrying us through.  We’re going to get through this but often not sure how.  God is always with us but we can’t always feel it.  People keep telling us we are so strong but at times I feel like screaming.  Sometimes I wish we could just all join Roderick in heaven but we are still breathing so what choice do we have, there’s nothing left but to be strong.  So that’s what we intend to do, keep being strong and although we can never do that on our own we will keep drawing from our Savior who continues to give us strength.