Changed Forever

   I was told of a mother who's young child went to be with Jesus.  Ten years later she still would not allow anyone to take family pictures because the family wasn’t complete. Again when I heard this I thought to myself “that’s not happening at our house”.  And like before although I stick to my thought I realize that we will never be the same again.  We have already taken quite a few photos with the four of us; in fact photos have become more important to us then ever before because we now realize the value photos have.   That is the only way we have to see Roderick.  But every time I see photos with the four of us I can’t help but think Roderick is missing.

   Being changed forever is not necessarily bad.  I guess it’s our own choice if we want to allow the change to be good or bad.  You can allow tragedy to make you bitter or better as the saying goes.  It’s true.  When I get up in the morning the first thing I did for the first few months is check on the kids to make sure they were ok, now I don’t anymore, no point in waking them up that early by opening their bedroom door but I don’t walk by their room without thinking “I hope they’re ok”.  I realize now that it’s something I no longer take for granted but rather am extremely thankful for.  Every morning I thank God first thing that I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful children and for His protection.  I also thank God daily that Roderick is with Him in heaven. 

   Jake and I make sure that we say goodnight to both kids before going to bed and if we don’t they come to say good night to us.  Jake and I will forever be grateful that we went to say goodnight to Roderick that last night.  I brought him a hot chocolate and Jake told Roderick he loved him.  It was a habit of ours to go say good night to all the kids before going to bed but we had the occasional night where we missed, although we have to be careful not to make a religion out of it, saying good night has a deeper meaning now and is more important then ever before.

   When I drive the kids to school, I have a habit of saying, “have a good day” or “see-you after school”, they’ll answer with a “see-you” or “you too”.  Now Tyler has added an “I love you, mom”.  He says that without fail. 

  I asked Angeline one time, “Do you miss the fighting in our house?”

   “Oh yes, I do, I miss Roderick stealing my candy, I miss him calling me fat,” she answered.

   “But I mean, do you missTyler and you arguing or fighting?” I asked

   “No, because I know it is because we don’t know how long we have each other,” she said.

   I thought she might say, “It’s because we miss Roderick” or “it’s so empty without Roderick” but she realized that life is precious and your not guaranteed tomorrow.  We have changed, we all grew up quickly and realize life is too precious to waste in petty disagreements or arguments.

   Our family has pulled together through this journey of grief and we share bonds that only those can share who’ve gone through a deep dark valley.  The darkness is so thick all around us that unless we pull together and hold onto each other we would loose each other but the fact that we’ve lost someone so important has caused us to tighten that grip and hold onto each other so much more.  And as we walk through this thick darkness we see God’s light shining on us.  That light seems so much brighter because of the thickness of the darkness.  The circle of God’s light seems so small in the darkness that we have to hold onto each other to stay inside the circle of light.  This light guides us through the journey. 

    I realize, we don’t ever want to be the same anymore.  We don’t ever want to take life for granted anymore.  We don’t ever want to stop missing Roderick.  God has changed us forever and we will not be the same again but we don’t want to be the same.  Hugs are much more plentiful then they were before; we thought we were a hugging family before but more so now. 

   One time when Roderick and Tyler were arguing and disagreeing over something, I said, “Some families become close because they have to go through a hard time, but we have such an amazing life, you guys have everything you need materially, we are blessed in so many ways I guess we have to bond by fighting with each other. 

   Tyler responded, “Mom your trying to lecture us but you suck at it”. 

   He was right, that was something stupid to say.  I do not believe that families need tragedy to become close.  You can start hugging more without a tragedy; you can appreciate each other without tragedy.  Also in going through this journey of grief we have met people who’ve gone through a tragedy and it’s destroyed their lives and torn families apart so again I don’t believe God does this to us to teach us something, He loves us just like I love my children but rather stuff happens as a result of a fallen world.  Tragedy destroys so many lives but if we hold onto God, He can and will help us overcome the anger and bitterness that so often follow when a loved one is gone and instead will turn it into something beautiful.

   So I challenge everyone build relationships before tragedy comes.  Make sure you have a strong faith and a meaningful relationship with God before anything happens, because had we not had good relationships with each other before this I do not think it would have been easy to hold onto each other.  This journey could look much different.