Stanton's Eulogy

  

Since the day Roderick was born he was a risk taker.  At the young age of probably nine he had a little 50cc Honda dirt bike.  We found a perfect spot at the farm, we took our bikes over Victor and Joni’s driveway over and over just jumping up and down, over and over all day, he’d crash, he’d fall down, you could tell it hurt, he’d scratch his knees up, scratch his arms up, but he was tough, he was the toughest.  He’d never let me see him cry.

   Roderick loved hockey he was proud of his teammates, and appreciative of his coaches.  Almost every time he came back from practice he’d tell me of the goal he scored during a drill or the locker room jokes and pranks they pulled.  He began making iced tea before every game just recently.  It helped him have a good game so he thought.  A few weeks ago he ran out of iced tee just before a game and just a couple minutes before, well an hour before the game started he dropped by our place, he swung by and saw Trevor, he asked us if we had any iced tee left, he needed some for the game.  We didn’t have any.  He still played well.

   Roderick knew what it was to be a friend.  He took time for the people he cared about.  He noticed what his friends were passionate about, caught on and became just as excited about it.  He found ways to turn frowns into smiles, always knew how to make people happy, just seeing him walk into the room, you could tell the whole atmosphere had right away changed.

   He was a hero to his younger cousins, a leader to his peers, and a blessing to his elders.

   Roderick was always a strong competitor, whether it was track and field, winning ribbons; hockey, winning medals or back yard wrestling matches, he would always fight hard and give it his best shot until the very end. 

   You won the race buddy, you did well, I’ll meet you at the finish line when I get there. 

   Stanton was Roderick’s hero right from the start.  My sister married Jake’s brother and their oldest son; Stanton was three years older then Roderick. Roderick was nine when Stanton’s family moved to Mexico, it was only then that Roderick started hanging out with other friends before that it was all about Stanton.  But Stanton and Roderick always stayed close.  In the summer of 2014 Stanton came to live with us so he could play football.  That bonded the two cousins even more.  After Stanton left at the end of the football season Roderick wrote, “we are no longer relatives, this summer we became brothers”.   In June of 2015 Stanton and his family moved back to Winnipeg and the two boys hung out many nights, throwing the football, or playing NHL on the Xbox.  Every time Stanton comes into the house a small part of Roderick comes in with him.  He’s such a pleasure to have.

Conflicting Feelings

    Another morning started, again you could see the intense pain in Jake’s eyes.  He said Good morning and answered my questions politely and lovingly but did not say much else and his eyes looked so dark and filled with pain.  It was about two months after the accident.  The morning started good for me, I had sent out thank-you emails to friends who had brought us meals but then the depression started pressing down on me. I went outside to work and I started crying.  I was tired of being the strong one.  Jake didn’t seem to get good days.  Every day was a struggle for him. I was tired of making myself have good days to be strong for the family and when I actually did have a good day I felt guilty because Jake didn’t get good days.  I just wanted him to have a good week so I could lean on him.  I knew God was the one I really needed and that I had better go to Him before my feelings got out of control.  I remembered learning in the Grief Share Course we were attending that we needed to visualize Scripture so I did that, the Bible talks about angels ministering to us so I envisioned angels coming down surrounding me and encouraging me.  Just like that the Lord started giving me all these encouraging thoughts, I didn’t have to be strong on my own, it was ok to grieve, there was no rush for us, God would take us through and He would take us through as a family.

   Jake was really struggling with the fact that the accident happened in the basement, just going into the basement was hard for him, also the house seemed so extremely empty, he felt like the empty hole Roderick left was to much to bare.  If we’d move into a new house we wouldn’t be reminded of the emptiness every time we opened our eyes.  Angeline and I both struggled with the fact that we would then leave Roderick even further behind this being the place where all the memories had been built but I decided that if Jake needed that it might be good for us.   Tyler was good either way.  One time when Jake’s sister was over he mentioned it and decided that we would go drive around the area and look at a good house that was up for sale, somehow that was so painful for me, I could not bare the thought of leaving the house that had all the memories of Roderick, I felt like we were completely ditching him, I wanted to hold unto what little bit we have left of him.  When I finally told Jake how I felt, he said he had felt the same way.  When we came home that day after looking at the house he realized this is our home and for now we need our home. 

   This experience caused me to realize that when we grieve in different ways we still need to pull together and not allow it to pull us apart.  Jake had a couple of very tough weeks there.  He said, as much as he tried he could not seem to find peace.  He felt like he tried to pray but that didn’t even work.  He kept seeing Roderick’s lifeless body and the accident rather then being able to imagine Roderick in heaven, joyful in the presence of our Savior.  In the end God did give him an incredible peace and a dream where he saw Roderick so happy which helped him immensely.  He went through a rough couple weeks but has been our strong pillar through this whole time, always there for us, protecting us and loving us. 

   One of the things that has really shocked me or I’ve never experienced before is the opposite feelings that can come at the exact same time in so many different ways. Every place you look the pain and emptiness of Roderick not being there, yet also the precious memories in every corner.

   As I mentioned in that one photo where Roderick stands with the gun in hand and a goose in the other.  The pain of seeing the gun that took Roderick’s life then remembering the excitement he felt when he shot his first goose. 

   Feeling so utterly lost in the darkness yet feeling the arms of God’s love around us in the circle of His light. 

   All the stories we hear about how Roderick has impacted lives bring so much joy yet so much sadness.

   Checking on the kids at night fearful that something might have happened to them or is it just gratitude that we still have them? 

   Hugging each other, so grateful that we are together as a family yet so painful that our family has been torn apart.

   When friends ask how we are doing, do I answer very good or horrible?  We’ve never felt such immense peace yet the storm has never raged so strong.

   I could never have imagined how hard it would be to loose a child but I could never have imagined how real our faith would become. 
   Roderick has left us yet he is always with us.

   At times I feel so alone yet I have never before realized what a huge crowd of friends surround us loving and supporting us. 

   And so the list goes on.  We’re doing great but we’re struggling a lot.  It’s hard but God is carrying us through.  We’re going to get through this but often not sure how.  God is always with us but we can’t always feel it.  People keep telling us we are so strong but at times I feel like screaming.  Sometimes I wish we could just all join Roderick in heaven but we are still breathing so what choice do we have, there’s nothing left but to be strong.  So that’s what we intend to do, keep being strong and although we can never do that on our own we will keep drawing from our Savior who continues to give us strength.

Changed Forever

   I was told of a mother who's young child went to be with Jesus.  Ten years later she still would not allow anyone to take family pictures because the family wasn’t complete. Again when I heard this I thought to myself “that’s not happening at our house”.  And like before although I stick to my thought I realize that we will never be the same again.  We have already taken quite a few photos with the four of us; in fact photos have become more important to us then ever before because we now realize the value photos have.   That is the only way we have to see Roderick.  But every time I see photos with the four of us I can’t help but think Roderick is missing.

   Being changed forever is not necessarily bad.  I guess it’s our own choice if we want to allow the change to be good or bad.  You can allow tragedy to make you bitter or better as the saying goes.  It’s true.  When I get up in the morning the first thing I did for the first few months is check on the kids to make sure they were ok, now I don’t anymore, no point in waking them up that early by opening their bedroom door but I don’t walk by their room without thinking “I hope they’re ok”.  I realize now that it’s something I no longer take for granted but rather am extremely thankful for.  Every morning I thank God first thing that I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful children and for His protection.  I also thank God daily that Roderick is with Him in heaven. 

   Jake and I make sure that we say goodnight to both kids before going to bed and if we don’t they come to say good night to us.  Jake and I will forever be grateful that we went to say goodnight to Roderick that last night.  I brought him a hot chocolate and Jake told Roderick he loved him.  It was a habit of ours to go say good night to all the kids before going to bed but we had the occasional night where we missed, although we have to be careful not to make a religion out of it, saying good night has a deeper meaning now and is more important then ever before.

   When I drive the kids to school, I have a habit of saying, “have a good day” or “see-you after school”, they’ll answer with a “see-you” or “you too”.  Now Tyler has added an “I love you, mom”.  He says that without fail. 

  I asked Angeline one time, “Do you miss the fighting in our house?”

   “Oh yes, I do, I miss Roderick stealing my candy, I miss him calling me fat,” she answered.

   “But I mean, do you missTyler and you arguing or fighting?” I asked

   “No, because I know it is because we don’t know how long we have each other,” she said.

   I thought she might say, “It’s because we miss Roderick” or “it’s so empty without Roderick” but she realized that life is precious and your not guaranteed tomorrow.  We have changed, we all grew up quickly and realize life is too precious to waste in petty disagreements or arguments.

   Our family has pulled together through this journey of grief and we share bonds that only those can share who’ve gone through a deep dark valley.  The darkness is so thick all around us that unless we pull together and hold onto each other we would loose each other but the fact that we’ve lost someone so important has caused us to tighten that grip and hold onto each other so much more.  And as we walk through this thick darkness we see God’s light shining on us.  That light seems so much brighter because of the thickness of the darkness.  The circle of God’s light seems so small in the darkness that we have to hold onto each other to stay inside the circle of light.  This light guides us through the journey. 

    I realize, we don’t ever want to be the same anymore.  We don’t ever want to take life for granted anymore.  We don’t ever want to stop missing Roderick.  God has changed us forever and we will not be the same again but we don’t want to be the same.  Hugs are much more plentiful then they were before; we thought we were a hugging family before but more so now. 

   One time when Roderick and Tyler were arguing and disagreeing over something, I said, “Some families become close because they have to go through a hard time, but we have such an amazing life, you guys have everything you need materially, we are blessed in so many ways I guess we have to bond by fighting with each other. 

   Tyler responded, “Mom your trying to lecture us but you suck at it”. 

   He was right, that was something stupid to say.  I do not believe that families need tragedy to become close.  You can start hugging more without a tragedy; you can appreciate each other without tragedy.  Also in going through this journey of grief we have met people who’ve gone through a tragedy and it’s destroyed their lives and torn families apart so again I don’t believe God does this to us to teach us something, He loves us just like I love my children but rather stuff happens as a result of a fallen world.  Tragedy destroys so many lives but if we hold onto God, He can and will help us overcome the anger and bitterness that so often follow when a loved one is gone and instead will turn it into something beautiful.

   So I challenge everyone build relationships before tragedy comes.  Make sure you have a strong faith and a meaningful relationship with God before anything happens, because had we not had good relationships with each other before this I do not think it would have been easy to hold onto each other.  This journey could look much different. 

New Normal

  

While working in the shop on his country home in Bolivia when Jake was 16 years old he lost the better part of 2 of his fingers.  He was working with a wood plainer when the piece of wood back fired and his hand slipped and went into the machine.  This accident happened before I had ever met Jake so I don’t remember him having his full hand.  To me that’s part of who Jake is and I don’t even think of it every month.  Same with our Children, Roderick, Tyler and Angeline, although they enjoy the reaction at times when they tell dad to show his hand to their friends, to them that is a part of who daddy is.  Jake says though, not a day goes by that he doesn’t think about missing those 2 fingers.  I’ve challenged him on that on a couple occasions and he’s convinced that it is so.  Every day he is in some way reminded that he is missing those two fingers. 

   In the last 4 months since the accident that took Roderick from us, we have been told different things, some of which we have come to realize are true.  One expression was “it never gets easier, eventually the pain just becomes normal”.  I thought, “not at our house, it will become easier, we’re not living like this the rest of our lives”. 

   Though I stick to that I have come to realize we will have to get use to a new normal and we will always miss Roderick. 

   Missing Roderick is the same, in a way, as Jake missing two fingers.  I look at it more like missing a hand though.  We had three children now we have only two with us although we will always have three.  For a person who’s lost his hand it will be a daily battle.  Every day he will need that hand, every day he will have to find ways to do just normal daily things with one hand, it will be more difficult with one hand, even though I haven’t experienced it, I have seen people who have only one hand and they seem to be use to it.  It seems they have learned to do everything with one hand and they do it well, what they can’t do without the hand there seems to be some manmade attachment to help them, from the side it seems as though they would never miss the hand.  They are just as happy and have a life just as good as people who’s body is complete, so to speak.  After it’s healed they no longer deal with pain, except if they hit the scar or the sensitive area, at least so it is with Jake’s fingers.   But they constantly live with the fact that a part of them is missing, a part that they so wish they had.  They can have normal lives, they can be happy but they are never completely whole again and they will miss that constantly.  That is how I’ve come to look at missing Roderick.  We will heal, we will be happy and we will again live a normal life but it will be with a constant realization that a part of our family is missing it’s no longer complete here on earth.  Then we will have the occasional bump where we somehow hit the sensitive scar and we will cry out in pain but it will go over again.  And like a person with one hand, there will be occasional days where it will be hard to accept, say he applies for a job and doesn’t get it because he has only one hand, or he’d like to do an activity or sport that just isn’t safe enough with one hand.  On occasions like that he will go home and wonder why he couldn’t have a normal life like all his other friends.  So we will go through those times where we will struggle with the fact that we will never see Roderick grow up, we will never see him live all his many dreams.  After all, kids should burry their parents not the other way around.  But we will be able to have a happy, normal and fulfilled life.  In fact, if we allow, this tragedy can make our lives better, it can be turned into something beautiful, which I will share about in a future post, how our lives have been changed forever.

   

Last photo where our family is complete

Roderick will forever stay our 16-year-old son.  Even after Tyler and Angeline grow up and have their own lives and families, Roderick will still be our 16-year-old son.