Heaven

    

   After that first long day, everyone had left, and it was just the four of us trying to get some sleep or at least rest. I lay in bed thinking, trying desperately to control my thoughts.  Although I had no fear and felt at peace, every time I closed my eyes the only thing I could see was Roderick’s body lifeless in the basement.  I didn’t find this scary I just longed to picture him alive and happy but it just didn’t seem possible.  Pastor Jono had kindly advised us not to go back into Roderick’s room before it was cleaned.

   “You don’t need more images in your head,” he said.

   Now I understood why. 

   We had asked Tyler to come sleep up stairs close to our bedroom; Angeline’s bedroom is already upstairs.  I don’t know how many times I went to check on Tyler and Angeline just to make sure they were ok.  Not that I was plagued with fear, I just wanted to see them again and was so filled with gratitude that we still had two children with us.  That night Jake and me would lie in bed crying and then we’d get up and sit in the living room for awhile go lie down again and rest for a bit etc. 

   During this first night while in bed thinking, another thought hit me, “why when I saw Roderick’s body on the floor did I not kneel and pray, why didn’t I command his spirit to come back into his body”.  I have that kind of faith, I believe in miracles but then I thought, “No; Roderick is where he wants to be”.  By the time I found Roderick he had been in heaven for hours, now I know there’s no time in heaven and God’s power is not limited by time but I could just so clearly picture Roderick walking into the gates of heaven so unexpectedly with such awe, never once having dreamed of going so soon.  Roderick was such a dreamer, he dreamed of the future.  He was hoping to get a scholarship and play hockey for some college and get an education.  He wanted to eventually take over his dad’s farm.  Roderick also dreamed endlessly about joining the military.  He wanted to fight for and defend his country.  Roderick was known to fight for (so to speak) his friends and family.  In hockey Roderick would get more riled by his teammates being mistreated, like a cheap hit or his goalie getting poked, then if something happened to him.  He didn’t much care if he was hit but his teammates that was another story, he would defend them.  Same thing in school over the years when he would get into squabbles here and there it would usually be defending friends. He had his future planned out, (these words I stole from Roderick’s girlfriend).  That night when Roderick stood at the gates of heaven and he saw there in front of him all those dreams so much more real and so much more amazing and so much closer then he had dreamed of here on earth, he didn’t hesitate but knew that’s where he wanted to be. 

   I do not believe that Roderick’s work on earth was done.  I believe God had an amazing destiny for Roderick and I believe God also grieves the loss of an amazing leader.  I don’t believe that God’s original plan is that families should be torn apart but that we would all have full and long lives but because we live in a fallen, imperfect world tragedy is part of it.  We don’t always know why but the beauty of it is that God can always use all the tragedy and turn it into something beautiful. 

   I also know that heaven is our true home and that’s where we all want to be.  Our Funeral Director shared this thought with us; ‘we far overate earth and underrate heaven’.  Roderick is not missing out because he went to heaven early, he is living life so full of happiness which we can only imagine or I should say not even imagine here on earth.  He is feeling God’s love so real, more then he’s ever felt loved before.  He also sees himself for the first time the way God sees him, no insecurities or fears.  Never afraid of doing the wrong thing or whether people will like him, just the amazing, wonderful person God has made him to be. 

   I can imagine him taking a quick glance back at his family and friends knowing they would be extremely sad that he was gone but then realizing that in a short time we will follow him, our tears wiped away.  Also knowing that God will take care of us here on earth with that same amazing love he is surrounded with, even if we don’t feel it, Roderick feels it and knows that we are loved the same way. 
   Knowing that Roderick is in our true home, that he is happy and that we will join him some day brings us such peace and comfort but boy do we miss him. We just want to see him again.  I want him to ask for a hot chocolate again.  I want him to tell me "You're the best mom ever" the way he so often did. The separation hurts but we know he is happy and we will see him again.