Focusing on Truth

At times we can get caught up in fighting the devil constantly. We talk about all the lies that he puts in our minds, lies like it’s our fault that our son died, or if only I had done this, or if only the doctor had done things different he would still be here.  We are just focused on all the things the devil throws our way. The Bible says resist the devil and he will flee from us. It says he will flee so why then do we sometimes spend all day and all week and always fighting the devil is it maybe because we are focused on the lies and just resisting them without using the truth in return. If we have our shield of faith ready and with confidence hold it up and every dart just hits the shield the devil does flee, he hates a fight where he loses every time. We say the devil puts these lies in our mind and we cannot listen to him, but do we grab our belt of truth and speak the truth instead.

Tim Keller says: “This is something all people in the midst of suffering and trials must remember. Yes, we must listen to our hearts. We must learn what we can about ourselves by an honest look at our feelings. But we must not only listen to our hearts, we should also talk to them. We should listen for the premises of the heart’s reasoning, but we should challenge those premises where they are wrong, and they often are. We may hear our heart say, “It’s hopeless!” but we should argue back. We should say, “Well, that depends on what you were hoping in. Was that the right thing to put so much hope in?”

“Where do we find a true picture of Who God is? When our hearts have been ripped open and when we cannot breathe because it hurts too much and when all we can ask is why? Why? Why? Why? Why?...then instead of struggling with questions that we don’t and may never have answers for; as a family and a community, instead of asking those questions could we settle in on some statements that we know to be true and that we know to be brilliantly strong?  And anytime your brain, your emotions and your thoughts begin to ask questions that you don’t have answers for could you replace those questions with statements that are true.” I am quoting our pastor on Roderick’s celebration service.  This is one of the things he mentioned more than once in our home and it has helped me a lot.  Focus and what you know is true and do not allow yourself to go to all the questions and doubts that you will never have answers for.  The three statements that he mentioned in the service were: 1. God is an intimate God, up close and personal. 2. God is grieving with us; He also misses having my boys here on earth serving his kingdom. 3. Heaven is for real; we will see and meat the boys again. 

Whenever all these lies, questions and what ifs come to my mind, I shake those off and go to the statements I know to be true. We have enough truth to focus on, we do not have to listen to lies.  

 I find it helps to not even allow the devil to come close at all, as soon as the lie is thrown at me from a distance, I say “The truth is...” When I go to the board game café to celebrate and remember Tyler it’s hard that he’s not there, it’s even painful to see that all his friends are there and enjoying each other’s company while their mother’s watch them with pride and my son is missing but I don’t’ even allow myself to think those thoughts. The truth is my son is not missing he is with us and we are celebrating him.  He is in heaven, in the spiritual realm where there are no lies, he is cheering us on. He is much happier than we are, and he is not missing out, just because my sons were able to go to heaven early does not mean they are not alive and happy.  Just because they went to a different country called heaven does not mean they are not real. So, I do not allow that lie even to come close, I resist it as soon as it comes and then I rejoice that so many amazing friends remember Tyler and have been so profoundly impacted by his life.

“I can’t do it, it is to painful” is something you hear a lot especially from grief stricken parents, I’ve said it myself and I’m not saying that there are no appropriate times to say this but I wonder if many times we say this because we have allowed the lies to become so loud in our hearts that the truth is too faint.  We need to speak back to our hearts with the truth as soon as those lies are thrown at us while they are still faint from a distance. I try not to tell people that Roderick should be here, or it’s not fair that Tyler can’t graduate because it’s not the truth, the truth is they are where they want to be and they had a far more wonderful graduation then any of their friends will have.  Now I do not mean I do not struggle with these things and that I do not tell my friends that it is painful for me to celebrate Tyler when he is not here in person.  It is hard and painful here on earth, and yea the truth is that those lies are always lurking in the background ready to attack, so much so that by the end of an evening of celebration I feel drained and am glad the event is over.  There are times where I allow myself a good cry wanting my boys to be here but then I go back to the truth and I refuse to forget that my sons are celebrating and happy and that they are not missing out. And I think about the fact that for me to just wish them back is selfish and that it is quite alright for me to suffer a bit, but my boys are not suffering and that is more important.

So I look at it this way, if the devil throws a dart at me I turn my shield towards that dart, if another comes I do it again but if every dart hits my faith the devil runs very quickly and I can turn towards and focus on my Saviour and he brings incredible comfort and light in the midst of darkness but those lies need to be hushed for that to happen.     


If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Can't You See My Crutches

While working in the shop on his country farm in Bolivia when Jake was 16 years old, he lost the better part of 2 of his fingers.  He was working with a wood plainer when the piece of wood backfired, and his hand slipped and went into the machine.  This accident happened before I had ever met Jake, so I do not remember him having his full hand.  To me that’s part of who Jake is and I do not even think of it every month.  Same with our Children, Roderick, Tyler and Angeline, although they enjoy the reaction at times when they tell dad to show his hand to their friends, to them that is a part of who daddy is.  Jake says though, not a day goes by that he does not think about missing those two fingers.  I have challenged him on a few occasions, and he is convinced that it is so.  Every day he is in some way reminded that he is missing those two fingers. 

I went through the blogs to do some labelling and reorganizing, and I came across the blog back from Aug 2016. I started that blog with the paragraph you just read, and it reminded me of some of the feelings I have at times.  Jake lost his fingers before I knew him and our children obviously only know dad as having two missing fingers but to Jake that day when he had that accident is still very real and will always be a day where he lost something very important to him, something that he is still reminded of every day, each time he grabs something or picks something up those middle two fingers aren’t there to help him with that and it takes extra effort.  (Now I know he would admit that experience was nothing compared to the grief of our boy’s early departure to heaven.)  To the rest of us this is just a part of who Jake is. We never knew him before this accident.  And that is how life is beginning to feel for me.  People are starting to come into our lives who did not know us before.  Although they hear about our story, they never knew who we were before as a family of five.  It seems strange, how is it possible that I can have close friends who did not know me before, how can they know me without the past me, is that even me?  We have celebrated Roderick’s birthday for the fourth time since he went to heaven and Tyler’s for the third time.  It really hit me on these birthdays.  Slowly but surely, we are healing and slowly but surely, they are fading into the past.  As much as we want them to remain close, we have no new memories from the past four years for Roderick and the past two for Tyler.  People are beginning to know us as a family of three, as someone whose story they have heard. As a family who used to be five, but our two sons are strangers to them even though we are close to them, how is that even possible?

I told my Therapist once; I feel like I am walking around with an arm and a leg amputated hobbling along on crutches and no one sees it. It seems wrong, it seems they should be able to tell that my arm and leg are missing, walking on crutches, but they cannot see, to them I am no different then anybody else.  It seems it might be easier if that were the case, that my arm and leg were gone or like Jake, everyone who sees his hand notices his fingers (although many people have known him for years and never noticed), that way they could see that I was disabled. I know that’s not true, in that case I would always be stared at, always be pitied and always need help, that’s not what I want but it is this feeling of being someone completely different from what people see.

Anyway, enough comparisons, it is hard to put into words yet likely something many people experience in different ways. My therapist compared it to some major surgery she had, and I would like to tell her story, but I do not remember it well enough, so I will make up my own version. Having been at home for weeks to recover and then going out for the first time she felt so vulnerable, inside her body were major wounds. She felt like she needed to hold her tommy and needed to tell everyone one that she was just barely able to be out, nobody knew or saw how she felt and there was no reason to tell everyone but it still felt like they should know. I thought that is very much how I feel.

Maybe one day I can explain what makes me feel this way but this is not how everyone feels, its like I want to hold onto my past and I want people to know that part of me but Angeline will often talk about moving away where no one knows her past and she could have a new start.  I don’t know whether my feelings are good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, whether it’s something I will have to confront and overcome or whether it will help me through to victory, whether it’s a building block in our journey or a stumbling block so I feel a bit vulnerable in posting this, I suspect though it’s neither good nor bad just another part of grief although it is a bit of a mystery at the moment but it does make me think of how many people I meet when I am out who give me a smile or a nod and behind that smile there is a story of pain and beauty. How many of them are in the middle of some terrible pain, feeling like that smile is not who they are, waiting until they get home where they can cry.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Grief is Awkward

Grief is Awkward

Angeline texted me from work the other day, “do you know so and so, someone who’s son maybe played hockey with Roderick?”  Somebody had recognized her at work and asked her if she was Roderick’s sister. It was just so natural although both Angeline and this friend know that Roderick is now in heaven nobody thinks it strange to have that question asked. It is not awkward.  I love it when people can do that, a lot of people do not even dare use the boys name.  But I’m no different, the other day I met a staff member at school who I hadn’t met before and she started asking “Your children are…” then stopped awkwardly and started again “Your child is…” and so to make it less awkward I just quickly said “Angeline is my daughter” but I wish I could have just said “Roderick, Tyler and Angeline are my children”. Because they are and this lady knew that but was not sure if she could bring it up. I long to be able to talk about them without it being awkward.  I wish, like this mom at Angeline’s work, we all could do that. I wish they wouldn’t be afraid to say “you’re Tyler’s mom” or “you are Roderick’s mom.  I also wish I could come to the point where it could just flow naturally from my tongue.

I have realized though grief is awkward not just for those who want to come along grieving friends but for us who go through grief as well.  We do not know how to do this, we have never been taught, and so we need to be willing to go through some awkward situations in order to learn and heal. Like I said in my last post, it is not so awkward with people who have walked with us through this journey but for people who weren’t able to be there or who we haven’t discussed our journey with it is often awkward.  I believe though that we can learn and practice until it is no longer as awkward while still on a path to victorious healing on the way to health, where we can talk about our loved ones freely and the memories can become happy and precious. 

Every book and every article on grief says this but I will say it again, “Don’t be afraid to ask”, we want our loved ones being remembered, true it might sometimes bring a tear to our eyes or stir up some pain but people saying nothing is much more painful. And yes, it will be a bit awkward but that is not your fault that is grief’s fault, it is awkward. The staff at school will sometimes ask how they can come alongside Angeline in her grief, they do not want to make her feel awkward. In the beginning I tried to protect her from this.  She’d often say she hoped it wouldn’t be mentioned it was always to awkward but then I realized though it was awkward it still meant a lot to her when her brothers were remembered so I started to tell the people who asked to go ahead and say something to her, it will be awkward, expect that, but it will still mean a lot to Angeline that you remember. If we cannot feel the pain, we cannot heal from it.  I am willing to deal with the pain of hearing my boys’ names in the beginning when it is so raw.  That to me is much better even though it is awkward here and there then to withdraw and have the precious memories hidden away forever and never mentioned because we stuff the pain into the darkest corner of our heart and refuse to feel it therefore it can never be touched because it is still so raw. I would rather feel the pain and awkwardness and allow it to heal so that the memories are not lost or stuffed forever.

Its interesting how this works. I want people to remember but at the same time I go somewhere and am on edge bracing myself in case someone will mention it sighing with relief if the conversation goes elsewhere but then feeling hurt that no one cares enough to mention it. 

After Roderick went to heaven Tyler very much coped in public by acting like nothing happened.  I remember his teacher telling me that when Tyler came back to school you would not know that he had just lost a brother. That was his way, he just wanted things to feel as normal as possible again.  That was not possible at home but at school he could pretend it was, yet every time Roderick’s name came up at school, he mentioned it at home. Same with Angeline, she wishes it will not be brought up fearing it will once again be awkward but if someone does mention her brothers, she will talk about it.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Allowing Others Into Our Grief

On the first Roderick Rempel tournament the Principal, asked me how I was doing, I commented on the overwhelming amount of support I felt and he said to me, ‘you allow people into your grief.’ Since then I’ve come to realize how important it is to allow people into our grief.  That is not always easy to do but the alternative is worse. 

If this is possible, I believe it makes a big difference. Some people just simply cannot allow people into their grief but their journey I think is many times more painful and lonely then for those who are able to allow people into their grief. 

When Roderick went to heaven his teammates came to our door the day after; presenting us with Roderick’s hockey jersey which they had all signed. I later heard they had already spent a lot of time together in their own grief, it had only been a week and a half since they had played their last game of the season which Roderick was a part of. That winter they had spent so much time together in the dressing room and on the ice, five or six times a week.  Teams like this have a bond.  When they came to our house that night we could have accepted the Jersey said thank-you and that would have been all they expected but instead we invited them in talked about what happened to Roderick and thanked them for the part they had played in Roderick’s life.  We allowed them into our grief and although grief is awkward, in doing that, some of that awkwardness went away.  Most of those teammates now do not find it awkward when they meet us. They greet us joyfully and talk to us.  I do not think it would be so if we had not invited them in and allowed them into our grief for a bit.

After Tyler went to heaven Jake said to me, I do not think I can go up there again to say something during the service, I understand how he felt but I told him you can’t not.  You did it for Roderick, you can’t not do it for Tyler, and he agreed.  He did it. To become vulnerable and allow people to get a taste of our grief is hard at times but it is worth it. 

Sometimes a funeral service is set up in such a way that the family doesn’t have to meet with the congregation and I understand that there are situations where that is the best way to do it but I feel they are also missing out a bit.  Roderick’s coach distanced himself from the parents and was there for the athletes, us parents dealt with the manager so we had never talked to him other then communication emails but he came to meet us after the service and shared how Roderick was the kind of player that he couldn’t get angry with, when Roderick made a mistake he came to apologize with a smile that just made the anger go away, “I couldn’t be angry with him,” he said. It meant so much to us. I like to believe that it meant a lot to him in his own grief though different from ours to be able to say that.  This is just one example. After Tyler’s service a mom came to me and shared how much they appreciated the way Tyler stood up for her son in school and so many others shared meaningful things about our boys.

When the Roderick Rempel tournament and the Tyler Rempel Board Game Café was held in the school, we were always given an opportunity to say something if we wanted. I always dreaded it because I knew I would cry in front of everyone so did Jake, every year he said he could not say something, but we always did. They are doing it for us, it means a lot to us, we need to say something, and I think that is what Mr Pauls referred to when he said you allow people in. I remember when we walked up on stage to speak during Roderick’s service I didn’t think I could do it so I whispered to the pastor “If I can’t do it will you read it for me?” He whispered back, “You can do it, I’ll be right here.” The thing is; at times we need to give God a chance to show up and give us the strength to do the impossible and he does but even if I would have broken down and cried to the point where the pastor would have had to take the write up and read it I would have still allowed the people in and it would have had a greater impact then if I just refused. For both boys’ services I felt God gave us a supernatural strength for the day. I felt like He had given us a heavenly Tylenol that allowed us to feel the pain, to laugh and cry and receive the comfort and sympathy while at the same time giving so many others the opportunity to say what needed to be said and deal with their own grief, we weren’t the only ones experiencing the loss of our sons.

I find that although grief is awkward those people who were there and able to share some of our grief, the ones we had the opportunity to allow in, with them it isn’t as awkward, it’s easy to meet them and chat about where we are in our grief and how we are doing or start a conversation about Roderick and Tyler.  I believe the more people we allow into our grief the less lonely and awkward the journey.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.