Do You Like your House?

At home, relaxed, where they belong

I am not sure why I hesitate when I am asked this question, but I feel like it is such a nonsense question in the big scope of things.  How can you like a house when you have just lost a son or two sons. And how can you like a house that is suppose to be your home when it’s missing almost half of the people that are suppose to make up the home but how can you not like the house when the most important people that you still have with you live in that house. It is at home where we are reminded the most of who is missing. It is our home that seems broken for life. On Friday I had discussed this with a friend and that night I pondered this again and I just started weeping again for our two precious sons who do not get to live with us in this house.

In the beginning after either one of the boys left for their eternal home, home was at times the most painful place to come to.  In fact in the first weeks coming home after having been out for only a few hours could be so extremely painful, because outside the home things can seem almost normal but at home its empty and sad while at the same time when we did go out I felt like all I needed is to go back home where I still felt close to my missing loved one. Coming home from a trip is especially painful. So much so that often it felt easier to just stay at home, so we would not have to endure coming home.

 When we moved into this house just over two months after Tyler went to heaven, I would have liked to move into a hotel room where we could be close together all the time. Any house with more then two rooms seemed too big. This house seemed much to big.  I think part of the reason that question bothers me is because we live in a nice house and a big house, not new, but nice and big all the same. We would not hesitate a moment though to move into an old run down, small house if that meant we would be all together again. So I don’t think it’s so much me not liking the house as me wanting everyone to know that a big beautiful house does not make a home and our home will always feel empty on this earth whether it’s big our small. Even a hotel room though it is small would feel empty.

But having said all that I feel God gave us exactly what we needed in this house. After we saw this house there was never a doubt in our mind whether this was the right one.  Tyler said, “I don’t like the kind of windows the living room has but I like the inside and I want us to buy it.”  We all felt that this was the house we wanted, our little oasis. I felt like God must have had us in mind already when it was built 10 years earlier. One of the things we as family had dreamed about was having a pool in the back yard and this place has that, our back yard is surrounded by trees/bush so in the summer back there we feel like we are in our own little park. 

Viewing this house Aug 31, 2017

Roderick died in the basement.  When we looked for a house, we looked for something with a walk out basement, we did not want any dark basement, in other words it was not supposed to feel like a basement. This house has no basement at all, which to us was even better. How many houses can you find in Winnipeg without a basement, in fact for most people this would have been a negative but not for us. After we purchased the house but before we moved in Tyler also died in the basement. It took about a month before Jake even walked into the basement again.  The other thing is the big windows, (not very energy efficient but…) every room has a couple of big windows. Those dark mornings are the hardest for us and we long for the sun to rise, in this house I see the sun rise every morning from my bed. In the winter I see it from the kitchen as well and the living room when I get up before sunrise.

I believe this house is a gift from God and I appreciate it, yes in fact I love it, but I still hesitate to answer. Please don’t take this as another question you can’t ask someone that’s grieving, I really don’t mind at all when people ask it, I appreciate them acknowledging it and it reminds me every time how good the Lord is and how he provided us with a beautiful safe place before we knew how badly we would need it but it also reminds me how the house alone does not make a home it’s the people in it and we will never own a house again that will be perfect enough not to feel like it is missing some of the people that belong in it.  Two especially important, precious sons.  

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

I am God's Favourite

I feel like I am God’s favourite.  Not because I am so perfect but more so because I’m so imperfect and even though I mess up over and over and am so injured He just keeps showering me with love and going out of His way to comfort me. 

I had a significant dream in October of 2017 where I felt God giving me a small taste of the love we will experience in heaven. (I wrote about this dream in the post of 10/17/2017 called Dreams) After Roderick went to heaven, I studied heaven and read a lot of near-death stories, like 90 Minutes in Heaven and Heaven is For Real.  One of the things that often came up was the incredible love and peace that we cannot imagine here on earth but is in heaven.  That love became important to me. This dream was the first one I had that has had a significant impact on me.  This was about 10 weeks before Tyler went to heaven and now looking back, I am wondering if that was God preparing me for what was to come. He knew that there was no way Tyler’s passing would make any sense in any way and He did not want to leave us hopeless.  He saw my faith and confidence in Him, he was changing Tyler before our eyes.  He saw how deeply and with confidence I believed that as Tyler was getting clarity over the doubts and questions he had, with all the things he had been through in loosing his brother plus overcoming such low self-esteem, beginning to see who he was in Christ together with his personality of always esteeming others better then himself and taking care of others at the expense of himself, I saw so much potential in him.. I had been fasting and praying for Tyler in the months before he went, and I knew God had great things in store for Tyler. God knew this would be an exceptionally hard blow on us.

In this dream a lot of things that I had read about heaven were clarified to me as well.  I knew that was my family in the dream, I had never seen them before but I knew, which is what you will hear about heaven, you know the people even if you have never seen them before, whether it’s the grandmother you have never seen or someone from the Bible. Also, I could feel and knew they loved me and knew me, and it seemed like I was their favourite person. That doesn’t happen in this life at least not in that way, when you see someone you don’t just know that they love you deeply and know you well although God does miracles here on earth many times as well where you just sense the love of God in someone. That is a small taste of heaven.  Another interesting thing about the dream was that I was in front of the house, I was nowhere else and even though I had never seen the place before I knew it was my home and I knew exactly how the lake and dock looked in the back in fact I would recognize it in a photo if I ever saw one. (If you have not you might like to read that post).  I am not pretending to have been in heaven in my dream, I believe heaven will be more beautiful then that. This was just a normal place like any place on this earth, it was the feeling of love and being known for who I was on the inside that was exceptional. 

I know that it was my taste of God’s love and the knowledge I had gained of heaven that made me think of the peace and love Tyler was experiencing as well as knowing he was free from pain in those first moments when I realized he was gone, in the midst of the shock and devastation.

Amidst our suffering God has blessed us with so many beautiful things.  The relationship Angeline Jake and I can have is amazing.  We are each other’s best friends.  Heaven is so real to us, and I never doubt God’s love, He has revealed himself to me so powerfully, so to others these dreams might still be just dreams and I’m ok with that but to me they are not. Even if they are just dreams, I have learned a lot from them.  All this makes me feel like I am God’s favourite, but I know you are too.

Each one of them is my favourite child

My Aunt came to visit last summer. I hadn’t seen her in years and not since the boys went to heaven so we talked about our experience and of course God in the midst of all that and she made this expression, “If God had favourites I believe I would be His favourite.” I do not know if she will be reading this, but the thought entered my mind “what’s so special about you.” I knew that all she meant was how loved she felt by God, but I thought that was a strange way to put it.

Back in elementary Angeline wanted to be the teacher’s favourite.  She had a friend who she perceived to be the teacher’s favourite and she would like to be the one the teacher loved the most.  We’d all like to be the person who is loved the most by those close to us but it seems kind of selfish because obviously others have to be loved less; only one can be the favourite.
One day not long after I visited with my aunt I lay in bed pondering and God gave me a clear revelation “that is exactly how he loves me.” He loves me like I am his very favourite person, like I am the only one he loves so much. That is exactly what he showed me in the two dreams I had where he embraced me, it was like I was his one and only favourite. I read about someone who had a near death experience who said that when Jesus looks at you it’s like he loves only you, all the love in him is for you alone, although you know he loves everyone with that same love it seems like you are his one and only special one and in that moment that morning I realized that is exactly how he loves me like I am truly his favourite.

I told Roderick one time, "you are my best son." It was the first time I had said that and even I felt a bit guilty saying that. I could tell Angeline she was my best daughter but I could not tell the boys your are my best son because there were two. Roderick looked up at me surprised and shocked, feeling both special and a bit disappointed that I would have favourites. Surprised, he asked me if I really liked him the best. I told him yes I do but I tell Tyler the same thing, he is the best too.  His countenance fell a bit realizing that was really not that special if he weren't better then his brother and that is how it is here on earth. In order for us to be the best someone else has to be less then us but not so in heaven. It's hard for us to grasp how we could all feel like favourites.

I read this story in The Fight to Flourish by Jennie Lusko:

Recently, Levi and I were having dinner at a restaurant with another couple.  Our waitress had a beautiful accent.  When we asked, she told us she was from Romania.  Levi spent a month on a mission trip there when he was fourteen, and he still remembered a few phrases in Romanian.  Without skipping a beat, he told the waitress, “Iisus te iubeste”—“Jesus loves you.” 

Not knowing a thing about her, Levi didn’t know how she would respond.  But her whole countenance lit up. Smiling wide, she nodded and immediately replied, “Oh yes, I’m His favorite.”

I had never heard that said before. I am God’s favorite. I was hit by this young women’s confidence in God’s love for her. She didn’t just think she was His favorite: she knew.  The interaction left a mark on me, and I left the restaurant that night feeling like God had spoken just to me. 

Last trip altogether 10 weeks before Roderick went to heaven.
Our boys waking up in their hotel room

You’re My favorite, sweetheart.

He speaks this to you, too, but it’s something you have to realize on your own.  People can tell you over and over how special you are, but it’s something you have to believe about yourself.

And so the Lord used my Aunts words to reveal to me how confident we can be in God’s love for us and he used this waitress’s words to reveal it to Jennie, I’m hoping you can see that too. For me at this time I no longer doubted God’s love it just gave me a new depth to the revelation.  Whatever stage you are in, I hope you can say with confidence I am God’s favourite.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

This World is not my Home

This World is Not My Home

I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I cannot stay on this pole all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it.  So how do I do this.  How can I blend this changed person with a new perspective while still enjoying life on this earth?  I might have many more years here; kind of a waste if I want to spend it all on the pole, tiring as well. 

Angeline is extremely sensitive when it comes to how I feel. Its hard to get away with any kind of struggles without her sensing it.  And when she senses that I hang onto that pole and will not even look down she is upset. She will ask, “Don’t you want to see me grow up and see what I become in life?” I love to sing this song:

This world is not my Home, I’m just a passing through,

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me, from heavens open door

and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. 

Chorus:

OH Lord you know I have no friend like you

If heaven’s not my home then Lord what will I do,

The angels beckon me from heavens open door

and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

I have two loving sons just over in glory land

I don’t expect to stop until I shake their hand

They’re waiting now for me on heaven’s golden shore

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

Just over in glory land, we’ll live eternally

The Saints on every hand are shouting victory

Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven’s shore

And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.

It is a great song but when I sing it and Angeline senses that I am not enjoying life she does not like it. She says it is sad.  God has not planned for us to live this life hanging on just waiting for the Lord to take us home. He wants us to enjoy this journey. And it would make me extremely sad if Angeline would just want to go to heaven and not enjoy her life here on earth. 

There is a balance.  Our physical bodies are made for this earth and we cannot function without time, air, food etc. but our spiritual beings are more real then our physical bodies and will live for eternity, that part of us will always long for more freedom then what this physical life can give us. Angeline will quite frequently mention the good old days when life seemed stress free. Really that is the same thing as me longing for heaven. We all long for more freedom from pain and stress and troubles.  This brings me back to the race of life, we will be much happier if we run the race then if we just sit down before it’s done and wait until the time has past and God comes and takes us home, crossing the finish line and running into the Saviour’s loving arms will be much better then being rescued from where we gave up on our race.

I must give a lot of credit to my daughter who keeps reminding me to keep running. The other day I said if I had the power to end the world, I would have done it already, Angeline was upset, why would I say such a thing. She wanted to live a life yet, I said growing up in heaven would be better. I wanted to see her grow up, but I don’t mind if that is in heaven, she wants to grow up here though. I didn’t understand why she was upset. She said, “I’m not afraid if the world ends but we shouldn’t want to make it end” and she’s right. In fact just two weeks ago I said in my blog how much better to finish our life even if it includes suffering because what happens in our suffering will also be a beautiful part of our life once we get to heaven.  That’s my daughter for you, even if there is suffering when she gets to heaven she wants a full life that is beautiful and her course on this earth finished, she doesn’t want it to end and not see the rest of her beautifully crafted life although she wouldn’t word it like that.  I want to be more like her.

I have no reason to stay on this pole, I can come down and enjoy life knowing that I can get back onto the pole anytime the water rises but if a tsunami hits unexpectedly and I end up in the deep waters I have nothing to worry about. God will rescue me whether it be taking me to eternal bliss or placing me on the pole himself and that I think might be blending those two parts of me but I still need to learn how to sensitively guide the perspective to our eternal reward. It would be easy for me to tell a mother who worries about lack of sleep, “Are you kidding me, why do you care if you get to sleep or not, it won’t make a difference a year from now and you’ll have plenty of rest in heaven besides you should enjoy being up with your baby because if it were taken from you you’d have plenty of time to sleep but still wouldn’t sleep wishing you could be up with your baby.” Even though this is easy for me to say this mother still needs to get through the night and the next day and we all know life is a lot harder if we don’t get the rest we need including grief but again we all have seasons where we don’t get enough rest that’s why we need to keep and eternal perspective. True and final rest comes in heaven when we cross the finish line, in this life we just stop for a quick drink and keep running but our Saviour never leaves our side and is always faithful to send his angels, in whatever form to give us the care we need.  In him there is peace and rest for our souls though our physical bodies are tired.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.