Am I a Stranger

This week I feel a bit like a stranger and am not sure I fit. It makes me a little sad.  Do I need to try to fit in or is this what the hymn As pilgrims and strangers we journey through life talks about? 

Several weeks ago, I started this post, but I did not feel like I could put into words what I was trying to say. Yesterday I did a zoom meeting with a mom’s group and I tend to say things that make no sense to others. It was brought up that worry is often our way of wanting to have some control. Example if a medical test comes back worrisome, we worry about it instead of giving up all control and giving it to God.  I said in some ways it was easier for me because after what happened to our boys, I had no control anymore anyway. I was asked if I did not still worry about my daughter. Yes, I deal with anxiety, I have prayed myself through many nights (when I say I pray myself through the night it does not mean I pray all night and don’t sleep at all, it means I wake up many times throughout one night with anxiety pressing so hard and I pray until I fall asleep again). I often find it hard to explain myself. That is why I blog; I get to explain myself.

At times it is easier for me to give my worries to the Lord because I have lost control altogether and have no other choice. When I wake up at night and worry whether Angeline will be okay or all of us for that matter, I often don’t really have control, I either grab onto the Lord and speak His promises over us, asking him to take control knowing that He loves my loved ones more then I do and will take care of them come what may or my mind goes out of control and I tense up and tremble feeling like somebody’s going to die before morning comes. So, the battle is hard but the decision to go to the Lord is easy. I do not find myself worrying for two hours and then remembering I should have taken this too the Lord, when anxiety comes it comes with such force that I grab onto the Lord right away. Having said that, I do have petty little worries where I waste my time worrying but my perspective has changed a lot and I am quicker to remind myself that those little things are not worth worrying about. 

At times I feel like trying to overcome the trauma, grief and anxiety caused by the pain of the separation from the boys is so constant that I have to keep my eyes on Jesus and eternity all the time, every hard day and every little battle becomes an eternal perspective, when it’s a hard day I tell myself this life is my gift to God and my reward awaits in heaven. When I’m worried about sickness I quickly bring it to the Lord and tell myself the worse thing that can happen is dying but that is the best because then comes heaven and even though there might be suffering and pain in sickness that is only physical and will in heaven seem like just a bit of muscle pain. The only way for me to get through this is to live with one foot in heaven and to keep focused on my eternal reward so at times I find it hard to pull my eyes away from that and relate to the daily struggles of those around me. What friends see as a strength in me is at times just a survival mechanism and I must hold onto it for dear life like wrapping my arms around a pole trying not to slip and fall keeping my eyes on Jesus and heaven finding it hard to even turn my head and see my friends who are enjoying the beach but worrying about what if the water becomes so high that they might have to climb a pole, if they were on the pole like me they would not need to worry is how I feel but really I’m the one who needs to get down and enjoy the beach.

At times I find it hard to relate to people who fear the world ending or worry their baby will not let them sleep again this night.  I want to be kind, I want to be sensitive, I want to smile, I want to allow the Joy of the Lord to constantly overflow in me, I want to help people, I want to live with purpose but it is a battle. I need to stop just surviving and learn to live again, I need to find a way to better relate to everyday struggles. I need to dare slide down that pole enough to see whether I have footing or not but I am not sure if I can because I might fall or another tsunami might come and drown me but tsunami’s don’t come often probably just once a lifetime so I can’t stay up there all my life when I could be on the shore living life and enjoying it. Some days I am thankful how far I have come and other days I feel like I am stuck in survival mode, but I realize that I am not alone in this battle everyone is struggling to fit in.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Not Fair

With the pandemic of Covid 19 being the subject all the time or so it seems the subject of the end of the world has come up several times. My nephew feels that it would not be fair for the young people when the world ends because they would not have a chance to grow up.  He says everyone should get a chance to grow up.  Jake told him whether the world ends or not you are not guaranteed a chance to grow up, but we hear this so much when young people pass away.  Its not fair that they did not get to grow up.  It is not fair that they never get to fall in love or get married or graduate or have children.  It is true that it seems like that to us here on earth, but I think here again we are far overrating earth and underrating heaven. 

Thanks to my amazing Husband who thought of capturing
some of those precious moments

First, why do we overrate earth so much? So many people have a lot of pain to deal with in this life, often pain that comes from bad decisions others made that they could not help.  A lot of people feel life sucks.  Why then do we feel we would be missing out if we had to go young or that my sons are missing out when they left early.  We all agree this life is hard and there is a lot of pain.  Then why is it not fair if our loved ones get to go to eternal peace and happiness early.  Why do we think of all the good things they are missing and completely forget all the pain they are also avoiding?  How can we feel like this world is full of pain and depression and nobody is exempt from it on the one hand but then think the world ending or our children going early is not fair?  Why do we keep saying they should still be here?  Its kind of contradicting itself is it not?

Second, we underrate heaven.  Every milestone they should celebrate here is nothing compared to the celebrations they experience every day in heaven. The loved ones in heaven are quite content up there not just content but happy and joyful, they have no desire to come back although they cheer us on but only because they know what it’s like to cross the finish line not because they wish they were still racing.  I have said this in the past, but I will say it again.  We are missing out, us who are left behind, we miss not seeing them during those occasional happy milestones and it’s painful, but we need to always remember and come back to the truth, they are not missing out. Even though the worst day of my life is the day my son went to heaven, that is what other grieving moms say, I guess I say the two worse days of my life, anyway the worse day for us is actually the best day of their life.  The end of the world is not scary if we believe because growing up in heaven will be far better. 

Okay, so then if this is the truth then all you moms out there whose children are still here should just wish that your children would go as well.  That would make the most sense, right?  Yet even at the thought of it you feel like shutting me up.  I have obviously gone crazy. I often look back and think about the time our three children were little, what if I had known during that time when it was so busy, three babies within three and a half years, busy and overwhelming many times.  Not enough of me to go around.  What if I knew at that time that I only had the boys for 16 years?  What if I knew they would never get married, never have their own family?  I never hesitate a moment, I would still want those 16 years with them. I have asked this question to bring perspective when life is tough. People will sometimes say that with all the pain someone has gone through it would have been better if they had died young, that is painful for me to hear because I know they can only say it if they have never experienced the loss of a child but according to what I just said that is the truth, we would have been better off growing up in heaven, all of us would be better off if we died and went to heaven but this life is our gift to God and its where relationships start.  It is where we find out what good and evil is.  It is where we choose how to handle pain and how to handle happiness. The pain we endure even at its very worse is just a little bit of muscle pain when we compare it to our reward in heaven.  Our life on this earth is precious as well. And so even though I constantly remind myself to keep an eternal perspective knowing my boys are the happiest they will ever be, they don’t miss out, I also remind myself how precious life on this earth and the constant ache in my heart, longing just to be able to see my boys one more time makes me so grateful for the years I had with them but also so grateful for the time I still have with my loved ones that are still here. 

My friend told me of a dear family member she had who was really struggling, I don’t remember exactly what was wrong with her child but she had some kind of severe handicap along with medical problems and had been quite sick to the point that they weren’t sure if she would make it much longer.  Somebody had insensitively said that her child would be much better off in heaven anyway.  This was really painful for the mom although she herself probably thought the same thing at times in the midst of all the pain her child was suffering, but she loved her child and loosing her would be just as painful as loosing a healthy child, every day with that child was precious to her. It was painful to think that others thought this child should be torn from her. I told my friend you should have just told the person who said such an insensitive thing that it would be better for all her healthy children to die and go to heaven too because that’s the truth as well but that’s not how God planned it.  That sounds harsh and that would be insensitive as well, I did not really mean that, but God has every one of us on this earth for a reason. 

I read about this mom who was a slave back in the day and gave her baby poison when he was born to save him from a life of slavery, she couldn’t bare the thought of him being sold and beaten by some owner or even tortured to death and she knew he was better off dying young.  She grieved her child like any mom would, but she did what was best for him in her mind.  Did she do the right thing? I understand why she did it and don’t judge her for it but she had no idea whether her son would be freed and grow up to have a very impactful life, and even if he had a life of suffering it could still be filled with beauty and love in the midst of suffering.

Another mom was describing the pain and emptiness she felt after loosing her daughter. Her daughter had a life of sickness, pain and suffering and she said she would relive all that pain and suffering her daughter had to endure just to see her one more time although she knew that it was selfish and her daughter would never want to go through that pain again. This mom did not have the hope of heaven, but I think those of us who have lost a child can relate to her.  As much as we know that our children are happy in heaven and as much as that brings us comfort we all ache for our children so much that we would do or give anything just to see them again even though we know it is selfish and our children would not want that, they much prefer to wait for us in heaven, I’m glad God spared us that choice. Back to this suffering daughter though, I’m wondering if after she got to heaven and she knew what God knew she also said, that it was worth it all and she would do it all again, she would finish the race and would not pray to have it cut short because after she got to heaven it just seemed like a bit of muscle pain, the reward is well worth the suffering and not just that but she will now see the beauty that God created out of her suffering. God is not pleased with suffering, but it is never wasted, God ALWAYS creates something beautiful out of it.  So not only will our suffering seem like only a bit of muscle pain but it will also be a beautifully crafted part of our life on this earth and we would not want that beautifully crafted piece of our life on this earth missing when we get to heaven.

I know for us parents seeing our children suffer is the worst pain to endure next to having them taken from us in death. My uncle who has a son in heaven said when his son was suffering in the hospital they prayed that God would end his suffering and take him to heaven but when God did they realized they had been completely ignorant as to what they were praying for. I don’t believe that it’s wrong to ask the Lord to take us home when we are sick and on our death bed or to pray that the Lord would end the suffering of our child when they are in pain and dying, in fact the Bible says there is a special crown of righteousness for those who yearn for Jesus to come but we also know that when our children go we are not prepared for the pain, doesn’t matter how much we try to prepare. I did not have that chance though. It was sudden for both, so I really do not have the right to speak to suffering children.

We need to realize that our life on this earth is precious and our children are the most precious possession, although just on loan, we can ever have, lets never take that for granted even in the midst of suffering pain and frustration. Suffering is a part of this world, is it good” no.  Is God pleased with suffering? No.  But he can turn all the suffering into pure gold. Lets also remember that eternity is the focus and destination and if our children get to go early it’s the best day of their life on this earth even though it’s the worse day for us but our best day is coming as well and we will see them again. I love this quote by Tim Keller: God said, “when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know.”

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Feeling Debilitated

Yesterday I was in a conversation with some moms who also had sons in heaven.  One mom asked me if I had felt that I just did not have the strength to make a meal for the family.  I can’t say that I have.  After both deaths I had an even greater desire to take care of the family that was still with me while I still could. I wanted to do things for them and take care of them. Our laundry has never remained undone or meals uncooked. Even the very first day if Angeline would have said I need some laundry done I would have done her laundry, I didn’t have to because I had family around me who jumped at it but I could have. 

I felt a little bad after, both for her and me.  Did that make it sound as if she didn’t love her family that much or did that make it sound as if I did not love my sons as much because their death did not debilitate me but I realize we all grieve differently. One person breaks down and cries uncontrollably after news like this while another person shifts into action mode and does whatever needs to be done and later does not know where they got the strength from. We are all different and there is not one better then the other. Rob Reimer in his book Soul Care writes ‘we are all wired differently, and we all process life through our own set of lenses. What deeply affects one person may not have the same effect on another.’ We are all deeply affected by the death of our sons but not in the same way.

For me work was a distraction.  Getting up and doing something took my mind off things. Very often I didn’t feel like doing anything, but time seemed to be at a standstill and that felt like even greater torture in the beginning, to get up and do something made at least that one-minute pass faster.  I remember one of the first days that we were by ourselves after Tyler went to heaven, I was sitting on the couch. I did not plan to do anything much that day, just relax but sitting on the couch very quickly became torture so I decided to go clean the main bath. I did not try to hurry, I just wanted to do something so the time would not drag.  I got myself a knife and rag and I cleaned every corner and cranny in the bathtub I could find. I never cleaned a bathtub so thoroughly before. When I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it had taken me less then an hour, I could not believe it. I got a broom and swept and mopped the floor, we had a big floor to mop, again I took my time and when I was done, I hoped it would be noon, but it wasn’t. I did one more job. I don’t remember what it was and still it wasn’t lunch time and I remember bursting out to Angeline, what is going on, I’m cleaning and I’m trying to make it take long, I’m doing a thorough job and I’ve done more then I usually can get done in one morning and still it isn’t lunch.  Something is not right.

My mind was foggy and all the million things I had wanted to do before just disappeared, I did not even know what they were anymore but the daily things like laundry and cleaning I could do without thinking and I needed to do something so they didn’t really stay behind although they weren’t important to me either so if I had something else I could do they were never a priority during that time but I had so much time on my hand, I couldn’t sleep in so I was up early and needed to keep myself busy. I think it might have been partly because of the way I grew up. 

Growing up I was never allowed to sleep in. That was not even a thing at our house. Seven days a week we got up at 7am.  I worked for my parents until I got married a month before I was 22 and never got paid or even an allowance.  They paid for all my expenses. Six days a week we worked from 7am until 7pm and during haying season from dawn until dusk. I should not say that, I did not have to work from dawn until dusk often, there might be the occasional day, but my parents always made sure we got the rest we needed. If I had to work late, I got to sleep a little longer in the morning and someone else started early.  We lived on a farm and on Sunday we still had to gather eggs, but we took turns, so I just had to do that once a month.  We still spent about an hour feeding and taking care of the animals every Sunday and had to cook and clean up but other then that we had free time although we went to church in the morning. Everyday we sat down at the Kitchen table for breakfast, dinner and supper which gave us a lot of family time. When it was not the busy summer season we would always sit around the table and chat for some time but if there wasn’t enough work that had to be done my parents would make work, like quilting or building in the shop. A lot of our furniture was built in our shop, all the bedding was home-sewn. It was especially important to my parents that their children learned to work hard and not just for a paycheck either so I think this is what instilled in me that work can be a distraction. 

There have been many times after a rough day where I didn’t feel like cooking and we’d order in or go out or just grab something simple to eat or cook altogether. Deciding what to cook has been a huge challenge at times because it required thinking and the meal train that first while was a support beyond words, but we always had a decent meal every day. There have also been times where I did the laundry but did not have the energy to put it away on time and the family had to go grab it in the laundry room when they needed it. 

We all grieve differently and that is okay.  I did not have a lot of energy and I found it hard to do things that required a lot of thinking but the house work for me although not always fun has been instilled in me from a very young age and does not require a lot of thinking but it gave me a distraction and a way to take care of the family I cherished so much. I realized in a new way that they might not always be here. There was no guarantee, I realized that more then ever.

Trust me our house was not always spic and span nor were the dishes always done or the laundry put away, but I have heard moms say they could not get themselves out of bed in the morning or they just could not do the laundry, making a meal was just to much, for me on the other hand, staying in bed was torture, at times I would get up at 4 or 5 am.  I just had to get up and do something because otherwise time seemed to stand still. Right now, with no school for Angeline I try to sleep until 7am at least but I rarely make it, I do make myself stay in bed until 6 though because I know I need the rest.  Same with cleaning or cooking, because we are self employed farmers my main job is to be a stay at home mom so I spend a lot of time at home and because I didn’t feel like doing anything during that worse time and doing nothing was torture I was at times relieved when I had to get up to cook or clean. 

In a sense this might shed a better light on me then those who can’t do it and honestly I am blessed to have grieved in that way with these circumstances but it doesn’t make me any better or stronger, I’ve wished many times that I could sleep in so the day wouldn’t be so long and I would be embarrassed if people saw how lazy I have been many days and how much time I have wasted sitting on the couch doing nothing or even playing games on my phone just so the day would go by faster.  I did not need to go to work but sometimes wished I were forced to.  I had so little energy that I spend way to much time sitting on the couch and needed to get up to cook or clean because it was so depressing but when one chore was done I sat down again because I was so drained only to get up again because doing nothing was worse.

I just read this yesterday, such good words of advice in a time of grief:

My Grandmother once gave me a tip:  In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.  Do what you have to do, but little by little.  Don’t think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow. Wash the dishes. Remove the dust. Write a letter. Make a soup. You see? You are advancing step by step. Take a step and stop. Rest a little. Praise yourself. Take another step. Then another. You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more. And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.  –Elena Mikhalkova



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.