Why Me?

Why Me?

I read a testimony about a lady who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. This is what she says: ‘I had no need to ask, “why me?” and “why now” I prayed….to keep my faith in Jesus as sovereign Lord. I also submitted to His power not only to grant miraculous recovery from illness but as the son of God to give life—eternal life. I knew that Jesus would carry me through the valleys I was about to enter.  

People have asked me if I wondered why me? Why do I have to go through this suffering? Why am I the mother that had to lose not just one but both of my sons. I did not loose them; they just went on ahead but back to the questions. Just a few days after Roderick died Angeline asked the question why and I wrote about it in the post Tough Questions, here is what I wrote back then.

 "Why did this have to happen to Roderick?"  Was the next question she asked in the first few days.

   "Angeline let's not ever ask why but let's just celebrate the 16 years we've had with him.”  I answered my heart going out to her.  I find the one question God does not answer is why.  He gives us many answers but when we start asking ‘why’ there seems to be no answers.  I believe in heaven we will have that answer but by then we won’t really care about the answer anymore.  Pastor Leon said in a recent message “having the wrong belief system in our heart causes us to ask the wrong questions”, I find that to be so true in our journey.

Back then I answered Angeline the first thing that came to my mind and she has not asked the question since although she might have asked it in her head many times I do not know.

I read a testimony about a medical doctor who saw a lot of suffering and began to realize that it seemed a bigger miracle not to have something happen to you, or for your body to function properly then that everything went well with you.  Here is what she said about the question why me? ‘So, the idea of pain and suffering occurring and people asking the question “Why me?” was not part of our narrative. More, the question became, “Why not me? What did I do to deserve this unmerited string of unbroken blessing?”’  Because she saw so much pain and suffering, she learned this before tragedy struck.

I cannot say the same thing for myself. Looking back, I must admit I did not think this would happen to us. We were blessed, we were healthy, and we would remain that way. I knew that bad stuff happens to good people, but I was not exposed to it so I did not think it would, but I also believed that my faith would be enough. I had been taught that if you have faith like a mustard seed then it would happen so I believed that if I had faith that my children would be protected then they would be protected but I had heard enough stories about faith filled people who had gone through a great deal of pain even in the midst of a strong faith and I had enough wisdom that once it did happen instead of asking “why me” I asked “why not me.” Even though I believed that my children would be protected I also believed that Jesus would carry us through any valleys we had go through.                

I remember after Roderick left, I felt sad and missed him so much a moment of self pity would come over me and I would think why? But somehow even before the why was finished came the question “why not me?”  What makes me think I am more undeserving of suffering then all the other moms who go through this? Why do I think I should be immune from suffering when so many people in this world suffer greatly including Jesus who was without sin? I was not without sin and I did not always have a strong faith so I was not undeserving but, in that case, everyone except Jesus would deserve this even the people whose children do not pass away. I knew that I had made many mistakes as a mother, but I also knew that I am a good mother that genuinely loves her children.

Interestingly after Tyler went to heaven, I still thought that way, no longer that it would not happen to us but that it had happened to us. I thought we had our share of suffering now we would be okay for awhile. Surely it would not happen again or if it would not until years later. I remember if I’d deal with fear at night I would think there are very few parents that lose two children at a young age, and if they do, not in the same way so our children should be safe in their rooms now but again after it happened I didn’t ask why but rather why not. 

Now after the second time I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I have dealt with a lot of anxiety, as I posted in the past, it seemed all my rationalizing came to a dead end. Surely not all our children, who knows maybe? I've met a couple who lost four children in a house fire with only their oldest remaining with them because he was with friends and some years later when he was 18 he died in an accident. today they are probably in their sixties with all their children in heaven. I would think surely not at night in the bedroom but who knows maybe? there are still a lot of people out there who've gone through more then us but I have learned in a new way to trust God and I trust him because he is God and I am human and might not be reading him right, also my wisdom is very limited compared to his but I know whatever valley is out there for us to go through he will go with us and with him at our side we can do it and bigger still is the comfort that this will all be made right in eternity when we reach the finish line which is really just the beginning of our life. I am not perfect at it but the more I can trust God the better I can control anxiety.

And so, I have never really asked “why me.” I realized right from the start the better question was “why not me” and that I wanted to serve my Lord and Saviour whatever fiery furnace I needed to go through. Again, it was not God throwing the three men into the fiery furnace, but God used the fiery furnace to burn off the ropes that bound them. Tim Keller says, ‘it is only when suffering comes that you realize who is the true God and what are the false gods of your lives.  Only the true God can go with you through that furnace and out the other side.  The other gods will abandon you in the furnace. Well my self deceptive rationalization was quick to abandon me in the furnace or maybe those were the ropes that were burned in the fire and freed us, I don't know which.

I wish we had made sure that Roderick put that gun back in the office where it belonged every time, then this wouldn’t have happened and in Tyler’s case I have struggled even more and I can now see in hindsight I should not have just asked him how he was feeling but actually asked if he felt suicidal. In a sense wishing that is a form of asking why didn't we but I know I cannot go there and blame myself because I realize that although its true we aren’t perfect and could have done things differently there is not one single mom or dad out there who can do things well enough that their perfection alone  will keep their children alive on this earth and I realize that some of these things are just beyond our understanding but this is another subject for another post altogether.

God has given us so much love and support. I often meditate on the fact that I have so many close friends walking with us always there for us when we need them. I was one of the moms that felt inadequate to understand and help parents going through the loss of a child therefore tended to stay away not knowing what to do or say. This is where I ask “Why me? Why us?”  The love and support we have received from all around has overwhelmed me from the start. I could have never dreamed of all the people that sent love in so many ways.

I was not particularly good with people who had gone through a major tragedy before we went through this experience, at least so I feel, and I do not feel I’m good now either, but I also didn’t have experience.  For this reason, it always amazed me how much support we got right from the start. For Roderick’s service over 900 people came, because he played triple A hockey a big part of that hockey community came. Tyler’s service was not quite that big, but it was a huge service too. Both Roderick and Tyler’s friends stopped by more then once and still do at times. Roderick’s hockey team came by and brought us his Jersey that they had all signed. Both times the meal train had to be extended because so many people wanted to show their support by bringing us a meal. The Roderick Rempel Street Hockey tournament was organized then the Tyler Rempel Board Game café because people wanted to show support. They all knew they could not take the pain away, but they made it more bearable. They showed us we were not in this alone. These are only a few of the many ways God used people to walk with us through this tragedy. This is where I ask the question “Why me?” “Why us?”  We did not deserve this. We had not shown this kind of support to all these people. 



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Christ Suffered for Us

Christ Suffered for Us

Ouch, quite the sunburn

Jesus says nobody took his life, he lay it down for us but what happened to him was evil, the men who condemned him and crucified him were responsible for their actions.  They were not some robots doing to Jesus what God had planned for them to do yet Jesus told Pilate he had no power except what was given him by God. This is one of the mysteries of God. He can use evil to fulfill His purpose even though that evil is not His will or His doing.  Christ suffering clarified my own suffering a little more this Easter. I do not want to even pretend that our suffering came close to Jesus suffering. Ours is only a bit of muscle pain compared to his, but let me imagine what it was like for Jesus mother if I had been her and Jesus were my son. I have seen his power to heal and do miracles. I have heard the incredible wisdom he speaks with, his amazing character. I am thinking he will become a great leader. More and more people are flocking to hear him. There is no one like him. I imagine that he will bring about a revival like none other for Israel if everyone listens to him and follows his lead. 

But then, there I am at the cross with only a of few of his disciples the rest are where? And I hear people say, “I’ve had it with this God. How could he abandon the best man we have ever seen? I don’t see how God could bring any good out of this.”  What would I say in that moment? I’d probably agree first I had watch them torture my son until he was almost dead and now I was watching him slowly die hanging on a cross, oh the excruciating pain that would cause a mother, and yet I am looking at the greatest, most amazing thing God could ever do for the human race.  In that moment justice and love are being satisfied; evil, sin, and death are being defeated once and for all but because I cannot fit it into my own limited understanding, I am in danger of walking away from God.  How could he make my son suffer so?

Now let us reduce that experience to my experience or let us compare it to Joseph rather.  All the suffering he faced only to save many lives later and be a great leader. The separation of our sons is not good, its hard and we do not see any good in it. But what if God looked twenty years ahead and saw something like Joseph as a great leader with influence standing before his brothers saving his now large extended family. United and one nation. It never would have happened without the suffering Joseph endured. Likewise that gun or that helium would have had no power to kill unless it was given the power from above but what we will see 20 years from now in our family or maybe even far more then our family will be different then what it would have been without this suffering and I'm believing that it will be beautiful. That does not make it right just like it did not make it right for the people who sold Joseph or threw him in prison innocently. 

When Shadrach Meshach and Abednego were told to bow to the king’s image this is what they answered, Daniel 3:17-18 Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you set up.  This is what Tim Keller says in his book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering:  On the one hand, they express a strong belief that God not only is able to rescue them but actually will rescue them. But then we are puzzled by their next sentence, beginning “But if not.”  If they are confident in God, why would they even admit the possibility of not being delivered?  The answer is that their confidence was actually in God, not in their limited understanding of what they thought he would do. They had inner assurance that God would rescue them. However, they were not so arrogant as to be sure they were “reading God right.”  They knew that God was under no obligation to operate according to their limited wisdom.  In other words, their confidence was in God himself, not in some agenda that they wanted God to promote.  They trusted in God, and that included trust that he knew better than they what should happen.  So, they were essentially saying this: We will serve him whether he conforms to our wisdom or not.  We do not defy you because we think we are going to live—we defy you because our God is God.

I have to say I was arrogant enough that I believed God would protect my children if I had faith and that I would see them grow up, I thought “I was reading God right.” but after it happened I was humble enough to realize that God was under no obligation to operate according to my limited wisdom and I chose to trust God anyway therefore whether they lived on this earth or not I would serve and believe God.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

In a Bubble

In a Bubble

In a Bubble

Its been quite the month.  When all this started I rejoiced that Angeline would be at home for three weeks over spring break rather then one week but after so many things seemed to happen in a week, school closed, all social events closed, all entertainment closed it seemed things were changing to fast, I was beginning to feel a bit down, not scared or fearful but it seemed my mood was just being pressed down a bit.  It all happened the same week which marked the anniversary of Roderick’s passing and Tyler’s birthday which is a bit of a heavy week anyway.  Angeline works as a cashier at a grocery store so her job won’t stop which is a good thing, I knew that she would need to get out of the house a bit from time to time.  A couple of times I felt a little anxiety thinking what if Angeline catches the virus due to working as a cashier and what if hers were one of the rare cases that was fatal.  I could not loose another child. 

 One morning I thought of Revelations and what if the end of the earth is here.  I don’t believe that this is the end of the world but at the same time it brought me joy, not the thought of people dying but the thought of this world ending, pain and suffering gone and eternal joy beginning.  We even talked about it and agreed if we could all three of us go together it would be the best thing ever.  I know that you have a million reasons why that wouldn’t be a good thing, there could be a lot of suffering before, perilous times come and so on, I realize that and I don’t wish death on any family but just the thought of all of us being able to go to heaven.  It seems we could endure quite a bit of hardships if we only knew it would end in bliss.  What I’m trying to say is the thought of this world of pain ending and all of us living in eternal bliss together with the ones who’ve gone on before that is a joyful thought.

Since then I’ve felt peace, I’ve even found a renewed peace in the fact that we might not all die at the same time.  As I’ve said before I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety over Angeline and feeling like we could not loose our daughter in any way, there’s no way we could survive that again while at the same time knowing more then ever that we don’t know if we will have her tomorrow, there is no guarantee.  I’ve asked God to let me stay longer because Angeline and Jake cannot handle anymore pain.  I still want that, I know in light of eternity our life down here is a small price to pay and I want to stick around a bit longer to help my daughter in any way I can but I also know that if Angeline gets to go home at a young age I can endure that and rejoice with her for entering eternal bliss and I can still survive and give my life here on earth to God as long as God wants me here because the death rate so far is %100 we all get to go into eternity eventually.  I’m also assured that if I go first Angeline will be fine.  God will take care of her even if I’m not here (as I’m saying this I’m not a hundred percent sure I mean it but even so, it’s the truth), it will be painful for a bit, but God will take care of her.  And we will be reunited. 

In a Bubble

I feel like this whole corona virus thing shows me that God truly has the final authority in this world.  I know that is how it is in our home, with the boys going to heaven we have no choice but to put our faith in God in order to endure but the rest of the world seemed to think that they the people had the world under control.  Now I don’t mean all of you, I have amazing Godly friends and there are many of them on this earth, but I mean the world as a whole.  Now I feel like God is showing the whole world that He is the final authority not so much by the creation of the virus but healing or ending it.  The whole world is affected and even the most powerful nations have no control over it unless their people obey and listen to authority and even then with all the efforts of social distancing it’s still very hard to know what the future holds and how long we’ll deal with this.  I’m not trying to say that sickness and death is a good thing and that I’m glad for it.  My heart goes out to every sick person and especially to all who have lost loved ones, but I feel a peace in the authority of my Savior.  I believe a lot of good will come out of this crisis and I’m excited to see what the Lord will do.

Jake and I listened to Pastor Greg Laurie’s message yesterday.  This is what he said “the devil may have thought I’ll cause anxiety by shutting down business, schools, sports events, restaurants and most importantly live worship services but then the Lord would say in response, I’ll bring together neighbors and restore the family unit, I’ll bring dinner back to the kitchen table, I’ll help people to slow down their lives and appreciate what really matters, I’ll teach my children to rely on me and not the world.  I’ll teach my children to trust me and not their money and material possessions finally I’ll teach families to read the Bible and pray together again.

God is still in control in our lives but only if we allow Him to be.  I am one of the people who have learned to trust God even more through all of this.  I feel like God has put our family in this bubble.  The storm is raging but it can’t touch us.  I don’t mean that we are immune to the corona virus or that we won’t get sick.  I hope we won’t but what I mean is while so many out there are scrambling, nervous and even scared, I feel at peace and know that we are in the hands of our loving Savior who cares so deeply for us.  That doesn’t mean that it’s not lonely at times and a bit depressing to stay home so much but I can always come back to the loving arms of my Savior at peace and O so grateful that we are altogether as a family safe in the bubble while the storm rages.  Whatever may be ahead He will not leave us for a single second. 



If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.

Woe is me

Woe is Me!

If you have been blessed  and haven’t had to go through the pain of loosing someone very close to you at an early age, don’t feel you have to back off, you are a blessing to us who’ve been through that kind of loss.  And honestly those are the friends who have encouraged me the most, the ones who haven’t lost their own children and understand that they can never fully understand what I’m going through but they listen and try to understand, and although its true and I can say from experience that, we do not know what it’s like when one of our children passes from this life into eternity until it happens to us, it’s also true that any normal mom who loves her children knows that it would be horribly hard, in fact it seems impossible to those who haven’t been there yet for us who are there it is possible and so for me to be stuck in the illusion that no one understands who hasn’t been there is just totally unreasonable.  I’ve found that the encouragement and the admiration of the positive moms who haven’t been through this has been much more helpful then the pity of moms who know what it is.  That doesn’t mean that I do not feel encouraged by parents who have lost a child and come through victoriously, I admire them, they are an amazing encouragement but we don’t want pity we want encouragement and admiration.  Is admiration the right word? I’m not sure, it might seem a little cocky to desire admiration but its encouraging when people notice our strength and determination to walk through this victoriously even though we fail at it many times.  I’ve noticed this in Angeline as well.  She doesn’t want pity.  I’ve heard others say this who’ve lost loved ones and I agree it is hard to be around people who have a woe is me attitude when loosing a loved one. 

I have also found that us who have children in heaven, we want to talk about it.  Not necessarily always about our children in heaven but often about the pain and suffering we go through.  And so it has at times been hard for me especially in the beginning to talk with moms who are in the midst of grief because we both want to talk and be understood, now I know that seems selfish and I need to learn to listen even in the midst of my own grief which I’m trying to do and is easier at this point already, but I’m saying this to thank all of you who were willing to come over again and again to listen to me.  Even though you haven’t experienced this you wanted to know what we were going through and how we coped but especially also how God in His love came to comfort us, those are the experiences that I love to talk about the most.  How God sent dreams and revealed His great love in so many ways, as well as revelations and imaginations about heaven and my sons’ lives up there now.  I find that I have many friends who really want to know how I’m doing it and what makes it possible for me.  Being able to talk about how God is helping us through helps me go through the dark days.  Every time I get to share our victories I’m just filled with gratitude for what God has done for us in the midst of our pain, it helps me to believe that the sun will shine again, this will eventually be able to be something beautiful like gold purified by fire.  God will work it out for good and we will become better for it. 

And so I would like to encourage all of you out there, don’t be afraid to walk with someone who is going through suffering, its true some aren’t open to it and have a woe is me attitude so if they are upset at you wanting to walk with them thinking you can never understand them don’t let that make you feel like you’ll never try again.  Don’t be afraid to ask how we are doing it. 

And to us moms who are grieving let’s not do it with a woe is me attitude.  We are not the one and only group of people that has been hurt so bad by the lost of our son or daughter that no one can understand or help us.  There are many people on this earth who go through much more pain.  We have a lot to be thankful for especially if we have the confidence that our children are in heaven where they are surrounded by peace, love and happiness in the presence of our Savior who didn’t just bear them in his body like we did in our womb but he’s the one who meticulously formed them in our womb and created them.  He is well able to take care of them and we know we will see them again. 

Just a quick disclaimer before I end this post, to those of you who’ve seen me at my worst, I’ll admit I have had times where I’ve had a woe is me attitude, I’m not trying to have a holier then thou attitude here, but please don’t back off.  Give me some grace in those times, I will try my best to be the person I claim to be.

If you are new to this blog and wonder what happened to our boys you can find it in the post titled Our Story, on the web version it is featured on the right side of the screen.