I continue to
struggle emotionally, I long for the day when I can talk about Roderick and all
the things that happen without crying all the time. Many times I will choose to just say nothing
rather then risk loosing it again. One
of the struggles that I’ve had right from the start is how to tell someone who doesn’t
know it yet. I have no problem talking
about it to someone who knows what happened but when I need to tell someone who
hasn’t heard it’s like my whole body tenses up and the tears threaten to come
before I even start. I also find it
awkward when I don’t know if people know, meaning people that I see on a weekly
basis like new parents in school or hockey parents that weren’t on the team
last year. I’ve had a few parents come
to me after Christmas saying that they had no idea and I feel bad because I
want them to know and it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, I do but at
the same time how and when do I tell them.
It’s not like we sit and visit its more just meeting and chatting while
we wait for our kids or for a meeting to start.
I would find it easier if, like I said before, I didn’t risk bursting
into tears as soon as I say something.
We went to the bank
to open a college fund for Tyler and Angeline this week, since both of them
received a scholarship last year.
Obviously they ask for how many children and we have to answer two. It just doesn’t seem right that this lady now
believes that we have two kids only but that’s the kind of life we have to get
use to now.
So these are the
reasons that my prayer is for healing from the pain. I know that this will be a part of our life
but I believe the Lord can heal the wound and it can become a scar rather then
a bleeding open wound.
The thing that I
meditate on most though for 2017 is that we will see God turn this tragedy into
something beautiful. I am especially
thinking of all the dear ones that have been most affected by this
tragedy. The four of us and all the
wonderful friends and relatives that are so close to Roderick. I have had a few special and meaningful
discussions with Angeline this week and I can feel a deeper bond forming
between us and I’m praying it will also help Angeline form a deeper and
stronger relationship with the Savior. I
believe we will continue to see beauty from ashes as the saying goes. With the beauty, healing will come also. At times when things are hard and it seems
that the loss of Roderick is causing mostly doubts and struggles, I have to
just believe in faith but I will continue to walk in faith, I know it is God’s
will for us to see the tragedy turn into something beautiful.
I have spent the
last few days reading Melanie Penner’s blog.
She went to be with the Lord in August of 2015. The last two years of her life she fought
cancer and blogged her journey, I’m going to quote a paragraph that she wrote which touched me and made me determined not to be quiet just because I might
cry. She wrote: I think most of us prefer to look
like we have it all together. We like to appear well (and healthy).
But the reality is most of the time, we all have something messed up in
our lives. We tend to keep our messes hidden, unless we can't. I
don't have the option of hiding my suffering, but being real isn't so bad.
In fact, it allows people to care and show their concern. My
challenge to each of you is to be real. Let people in your life know what
your life is really like. Let people close to you know when something in
your life is hard, or causing fear, or hurting your heart. Most people
will not like you less; they want to help. I have learned that there is
healing in letting others in to the secret parts of your lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment