Christmas without Roderick, or Not?

  “Are you doing anything special for Roderick this Christmas?”  The Hairdresser asked me today.

   “I don’t know,” I answered “I’ve been thinking about it but would there be anything wrong with just not doing anything?  Doing something just brings to much pain”.

   “There’s no right or wrong,” she said “but you could do something as simple as giving a donation in Roderick’s honour”.

   Then she proceeded to tell me how they had gone to scatter her brother-in-law’s ashes and her brother had asked her sister and nephew if they wanted to go shoot some golf balls.  Her sister and nephew had said they didn’t feel like it but it had been a beautiful day so my hair dresser had said, she would like to shoot some golf balls and for an hour they had spent time just leisurely shooting golf balls.  Later her sister and nephew had thanked her for making them shoot golf balls and it hit me, ‘how true”.  So often we have to force ourselves to do something and later feel so grateful that we did even when we did not feel like it.

   Even though this first Christmas season is tough without Roderick and I can’t say that it’s exciting or fun I still want it to be one to look back on and know that it’s been meaningful and we want to go through it in such a way that we can continue on in our journey gratefully.

   So I’ve got a plan on what we will do to include Roderick in our Christmas but I can’t say because after all it’s Christmas and Christmas is full of surprises.

   We have so much to be grateful for and God has given us so many wonderful promises and that is what we will focus on.  I will share a couple paragraphs from my devotions this morning.

  So…how come it doesn’t happen?  Why do we lose loved ones? Why do situations sometimes go badly even after we’ve prayed?

   I can’t tell you why in every case, but we have a choice to make.  We can't stop believing God’s Word just because our circumstances don’t always match up with what it says.  We need to choose to believe.

   This planet has its share of trouble and sometimes bad things happen but our God will never let us down.  If something doesn’t work out the way you had hoped, you may not know why…but you can be sure it isn’t because God wanted it to go badly.  God is good all the time!

  

Roderick checking out his Christmas stocking two years ago

Precious Possessions

  

   A dad just yesterday said how good it was to be able to have a good’s nights rest.  He has an almost 3 year old son and almost one year old daughter and so many nights were interrupted by them waking up, one would wake up and then the noise would wake the other up, now they were all up when they were suppose to be sleeping.  Then go to work all day after that was hard.  Now this dad said all this with love, he wasn’t complaining; you could tell he loved his kids a lot but it got me thinking.  You know, you have these stresses with your kids and then you have the occasional moment that is so precious.  Like at night when they share their heart or you see them do some heroic thing and you think, ‘this moment makes it worth it all, this is what I would miss if I didn’t have kids’. 

   The truth is when you loose a child; the hardest thing can be that you now can sleep through the night.  You wake up at night from your sleep thinking you heard the voice of your child only to realize that voice is forever quiet and you will never again get to wake up for that child.  You long to be up all night for that child.

   With Roderick there was no such thing as a day off or even a night off.  I might have been running around every night of the week to all the different doings the kids had and I’m thinking finally a night off and as I’m sitting down on the couch to relax Roderick comes up and says, “mom, I’ve been wanting you to take me to the pet store to buy a fish, your not busy now are you, can we go?” 

   All I can think is “I so long to just relax but he’s been asking for days and if I don’t do it today, when will I have the next chance’. 

   Now with the busiest part of our winter taken away, Roderick’s hockey, I have evenings that I get to relax but now I don’t want to sit down and relax, I don’t care how tired I am I’d get up in an instant to take him to the pet store or anywhere else he wanted to go. 

   My point is the thing that causes the most stress is what you miss the most, I guess it’s because even though my child has left me, my love for that child is still just as strong as it was before but the love has nowhere to go.  You can’t put action to that love and therefore the more that love is bottled up with nowhere to go the more you long to love on that child and therefore you want to love in a way that is the biggest sacrifice because that uses the strongest kind of love.  Not sure if that makes sense.

   I believe the reason raising kids is so stressful is because they are so precious.  You know every success in life adds stress to your life.  When you finally saved up enough to buy a car, now you’ve got the stress of changing the oil, getting it repaired when it breaks down, keeping it clean.  Then you buy your first house, now you’ve got to pay the bills, mow the lawn etc.  Our Pastor often reminds us of that.  But, you know, a car is easily replaceable if it causes too much stress, not so with kids, they are your most prized possessions.  They are irreplaceable and they are eternal, therefore the stress is so much greater.  Once you have those kids your life is forever changed, you want to be able to sleep through the night, you want it to go back the way it was before the kids just to be able to come into the house and relax and sleep through the night but after one stress comes the next one but no matter how much you long for the freedom you had before you had kids it’s not going to happen.  They are too precious and they have your heart; that cannot be taken away from you.  Even if you loose your kids, there is not those freedoms back only emptiness because the love in your heart for them doesn’t leave.

   Lets always remember this when we get overwhelmed with the responsibility and busyness of our kids and focus on the blessing.  They are the most prized possession we have and guess what, the only possession that we can take with us to heaven.  Not that I think of my kids as a possession.  They are not really our own to keep but that’s a different topic for a different day.

Don't Forget Roderick

  

We finally got the stone for the grave site 

   “I’m not sure why I am feeling the way I am”, I told my sister last week.

   “These guys working for us, I feel like I need to tell them about Roderick.  I find myself thinking, ‘tomorrow, I’m going to look for a chance to tell them’.  Is it because I so long for compassion and love.”  I felt confused.  It seemed wrong of me to want every stranger I meet to know our story so I could receive compassion, that wasn’t a rut I wanted to get stuck in.

   “It’s because you don’t want Roderick to be forgotten”, she said.

  We are doing some renovations in our house and the guys working on it are very nice people.  I don’t know them from before but in the last couple of weeks they have been in and out of the house.  They kind of get to know what’s going on in the house and who comes in and out.  Now I’m sure they’ve already made the connection with all the evidence in our house, Photos of Roderick everywhere with the occasional Rest in Peace message etc., right now our walls are themed Roderick everywhere.

   Another friend just recently when I told her about Roderick’s hockey team dedicating the season to Roderick and I added how much it helped to see that Roderick was not forgotten, she said ‘that’s what you worry about, right?’  I quickly replied, “I tell myself that life goes on and I have to allow people to move on”.

   “Yea but you still worry about it yourself”, she said. 

   I said “yes but I still have to tell myself I can’t expect others to feel like that”, and I thought later, why didn’t I just receive her love.  I don’t want to get stuck in this rut where everything is about Roderick and our journey through grief but at the same time my heart longs for Roderick not to be forgotten.

   I am not writing this because people are starting to forget Roderick, they are not; many people remember Roderick in so many different ways.  What I’m trying to say is that even though I know that I don’t want Roderick to be forgotten, it sometimes takes other people to tell me the cause of some of these confusing feelings. 

How did you get on that car without
it driving away from you, son?

Climbing and throwing, two things that got Roderick in
trouble many times, especially in the classroom and in
restaurants.

Because Roderick climbed unto everything and jumped down,
table, wall, cabinet, freezer, dressers, we finally said the one
dresser in the toy room, that's where he could climb and jump
as much as he desired.

This photo brings back memories, both Roderick's soother and his blanket.  Roderick loved that blanket, I could hardly wash it because he couldn't have a nap without it.  One day I hung it on the clothes line to dry in the summer and I later saw him standing by the blanket holding it against his cheek outside.
I wanted to wean Roderick off his soother and one day he lost it so I thought this is my chance, I'm not buying another one.  I told him his soother was lost so he could no longer have it, my plan worked well until two weeks later when he found his soother under that same chair he's sitting in.  Man! the excitement in his face.  He was so excited to tell me, for him at two years old there was no greater treasure.  I had to tell him he couldn't have it back, it broke my heart.  To this day I feel the pain of taking away his treasure and crushing his excitement.  I decided then and there never again will I use an excuse to wean a child off a soother, next time we'll face the problem head on and tell the child from the start, you can't have the soother because you are growing up not because you lost it.

The boys had received a Game Cube for Christmas and although we suspected it would cause conflict as to who got to play, it did not.  At age 6 Roderick was still quite a bit quicker to get the hang of it then Tyler at 4.  Tyler had more fun watching Roderick win levels then trying himself.  Tyler would spend hours trying to win but would be so happy when Roderick would come around wanting to play and he would sit beside watching, having more fun watching Roderick play then any other video or tv show.  Roderick being better at video games didn't last too many years though.  

Seriously Roderick!  You were suppose to dump the bad eggs in the garbage not play in them.  

   But that was our Roderick.  He couldn't keep from wondering what it would feel like to put his hands in the mess and of course as soon as the thought enters his mind he acts on it.  Part of the reason his life was never boring.  

   For those of you who don't know, we own a Poultry farm with layers, so Roderick's job in this photo was to empty a bunch of fillers filled with eggs that weren't good to ship into the garbage.

You were such an amazing guy and I miss you like crazy.  I remember the day I met you.  I thought you were kind of crazy but then I got to know the great person you really were.  I remember in camp when Mr Rempel told the group that you found an injured bird and “took care of it”  I thought wow that’s so sweet.  It wasn’t until last week when you told me that you actually killed it.  Dude you were the best friend ever you even went on my first date with me. (I didn’t know that was a date? –Roderick’s mom J).  You were there for me 100% of the time.

Friends Remember

 I remember a time when we were all invited to a friends pool party and Rod walked up her huge waterslide and got ready to jump off of it.  Everyone was telling him not to jump but he didn’t listen.  He jumped off and made the biggest splash I’ve ever seen in m life!  Rod lived a good life, he always took risks and was fearless.  He gave me courage to try my best in everything I do and to always take chances.

You were a crazy hyper dude that everybody loved. You always took risks and you lived your life to the fullest.  I’ll never forget the time you fell asleep in court, you were so excited to watch the murder trial in court and you fell asleep.  You were great at everything you did whether it was sports, helping out a friend, art, or just making people laugh!

Rod I will never forget when I met all your dogs and we went to the train tracks and just hung out, it was amazing, you have taught me to always try something new. To put your fears behind you and to just go with it.  Can’t wait to see you and your smile again.

I remember the time you didn’t know the answer on a quiz, so you wrote 'O Canada' as the answer and you were given marks for it.

Roderick was always happy and his happiness was contagious.  In grade 8 we were waiting for our newly marked French tests.  I got my test back.  I failed and was in a bad mood.  When Roderick got his test his face lit up.

“How’d you do?” I asked.

“I can't believe it!  I got 65/64.  I even got the bonus right!  I didn’t even study.”

The teacher caught wind of our conversation and came toward us.

“No Rod, that’s 6.5/64.”  His smile turned into a laugh.  I couldn’t help but laugh along with him.  He had taken bad news and stayed positive and in the process, he brightened my day too. 

If you’ve met Roderick, you’ll know stories like this are plentiful.

Roderick's first Hockey injury.  We had to take him in to emergency but before we left the rink he asked, "will I be able to come back and finish the game?"  We told him that wouldn't be possible.  He said "but I want to finish the game".  He loved his hockey games.

Roderick, Tyler and Jake took a hunting trip way up north with their cousins and uncle when one of the two trucks they took had a dead battery.  None of the adults had thought to bring booster cables so what would they do out in the boogies without them.  They had the one truck but that was a long way to go to the nearest town to get booster cables.  Roderick at 14 pipes up, I packed booster cables.  A 14 year old thinks about packing booster cables?  He saved the day.

Friends Remember

   Roderick was the kind of person who was kind to everyone, no matter who they were.  He was full of energy and easy to talk too.  He used to do this thing where he would go into a hug and then scream “Jellyfish” and duck out of it moving like a jellyfish.  I always fell for it and it would bring a smile to my face.  Roderick brightened every room he walked into.

Dear Rod, you were a legend.  I’ll never forget all the times in art when you would just smile and nod at the teacher and he would just kick you out, it made art class to look forward too.  My favourite memory of you is probably during our basketball games, because even though you were the only one that stayed, you would cheer like crazy, and the the first one to congratulate us even if we lost.  Thanks for always standing up for the little guys, even though you were a big bod.

Roderick, you weren’t just a friend, you were a leader, mentor and just an amazing guy.  We were going to your house and all got jawbreakers.  Rod said “hey, we should see who can finish the jawbreaker first.” We began to lick as fast as we could then we both look over at Rod and he has the huge jawbreaker shoved in his mouth.  “guys I think I’m winning” Roderick says with his mouth full.  by the time we get to Rod’s place he is basically finished his.  I look over at Rod and he stuck out his tongue and the whole thing was red and bleeding.

Roderick was such a good guy.  First time I met him I notice how much bigger/stronger he was than any of the guys in our grade.  All the guys were trying to get up a wall but no one really could except for a couple of guys who barely could do it.  I couldn’t do it at all.  Then comes Roderick and gets up it in a minimum of 5 seconds.  Then he starts doing crazier things, that could’ve made him break every bone in his body.  The stuff he was doing was what I thought only the big bodybuilders could do. 

Roderick, the first time I met you was in French class on the first day of school.  The teacher was calling out everyone’s names, and then yours was called out.  I remember I piped up immediately and said, “Rodrick from Diary of a Wimpy Kid!”.  You replied by saying, “Except it’s spelled R O D E! R I C K and I’m not a wimp” and finished off with a little laugh.  It was the way you replied that made me want to get to know you better.

The reason I gained the courage to play AA last year was because of one game that you came to watch at gateway when I was playing A1.  After the game I went to you and asked how I did to which you replied, “You should be playing AA! You are easily good enough!”  It was these words that stuck in my head as I was going through my AA tryouts and it was the knowledge of you believing in me that I could do it that helped me make the team.  You were an inspiration to me Rod.  You were my fitness goals as well.  Everything about you I admired.  The day where I can finally see you again will not come soon enough!  (try not to break anymore bones up there, eh? Stay in one piece ok?  I miss you buddy)

When we would go skating and we would play against each other he would always do somewhat his best and he made me a better skater by doing that.  He just made me better in everything.

I remember Rod always having guts.  When snowboarding he always tried jumps and rails he was never ready for.  Run after run he fell but he always got up and never stayed down.  He was always trying something new.

You were always a competitive guy but also kind and those are a few of the reasons you were such a nice guy and fun to play sports with.

I remember when we started going to NLT on the same days.  You were always there, never missed a day of training.  I remember when we had a race while pushing the sleds!  You laughed because while you were pushing 150 pounds, I was pushing 50 and you still beat me, but while you waited at the end you began to encourage me,  “c’mon you can do ti!”  I think about that moment a lot; it was one of many times that showed what a caring and kind hearted person you were!

I am lucky to have lots of great memories of Rod, like “Hey mom can you order pizza for Roderick and me,” or “what's for dinner?  Roderick is coming over after hockey so can we eat late” and him always telling Jazz “Don’t worry, you got this” he always encouraged her to go after her hopes and dreams an no goal was to big to accomplish.