Not Always

Not Always

I read this yesterday. 

I am gentler, more eager to listen to hurting hearts.  I am less likely to judge others and more likely to lend a helping hand.  I am committed to walk gently through this life and to cause as little harm as possible and bring as much joy as is mine to give.

It is a quote by Melanie who also lost a son.  I'm also claiming to be more sensitive and loving in my posts but am I really? Not always.

Earlier this year I was struggling.  I felt like I was dealing with so many issues.  I needed to book a Physical, I was long past due but I hate going to the Doctor, nothing to do with the Doctor, she’s amazing, just don’t like it.  I felt like I had such a long list of issues.  I fought depression every night; I couldn’t sleep well at night and often had discomfort and even pain in my stomach, I woke up with intense headaches and a swollen face quite frequently, I dealt with headaches during the day as well, my neck and shoulders were always tight and it was painful to move, I had pain in my feet.  I would go over the list frequently and thought it was pretty bad although I wouldn’t really tell people.  I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself the way I should, I wasn’t active, I wasn’t eating right, etc. but I just didn’t feel like it after Roderick left, that’s understandable isn’t it? 

Well when you dwell on your problems long enough you eventually share them, most people were very understanding but one time I shared it and felt like my problems were minimized.  This made me angry, so everyone else was allowed to talk about his or her problems but mine meant nothing and I decided I would never share my problems again.  After all everyone else had greater problems. 

Anyway I did have a physical and all the tests came back normal, some numbers were a little bit off but the Doctor told me to cut back on carbs, loose a bit of weight and exercise to see if we could get those numbers right.  Ok sounds good, I wasn’t sick so I would go home and continue on with life.  I had no intention to start exercising, I would adjust my diet a bit but other then that I didn’t have the energy to exercise and I didn’t want the stress of a strict diet.  But here was her catch, she said we would retest in two months to make sure the numbers get better.  O no! now she’s making me accountable.  I asked my son “what motivated you to get in shape and exercise consistently?”  He runs 5 miles daily.  He said, “I just didn’t want to be fat anymore”.  I said, “what if I don’t care that I’m fat”.  He said, “Maybe you want to live long”.  I’m not sure I want that either.  Yea I know, I’m not a very good mother.  My daughter suggested maybe my motivation could be that I wanted to live healthy and I decided that was a good enough reason, while I live I want to be healthy.  So I’m on the treadmill daily now added some probiotics and vitamins to my diet and feel much better, most of the issues are gone but the ones that aren’t are under control.  So I wasn’t really that sick but I still felt a little bit angry.  I feel like we are in a competition to see who has the biggest problems, whether they are health, marriage or depression.  If only everyone else knew how much we are suffering, they sure would feel sorry for us.  I’ve got news for all you people out there with so many big problems, stop focusing on your problems; they’re not as big as you think.  This seems very harsh I know.  For all those who read this I will never hear about your problems again because obviously I’m not very sensitive.  No honestly I want to be gentler, more eager to listen to hurting hearts, less likely to judge others, more likely to lend a helping hand, I am committed to walk gently through life and to cause as little harm as possible and bring as much joy as is mine to give, and I find I can, just Not Always.

I watched this YouTube clip.  The leader organized a race and would give a hundred dollars to the winner; you might have seen it too.  Before he said go he made some statements.

Take two steps forward if your parents are still married.

Take two steps forward if you had a father figure in your life.

Take two steps forward if you never had to fear your cell phone would be taken away.

Take two steps forward if you had access to private education

Take two steps forward if you never had to help your parents pay their bills 

Take two steps forward if your college was paid for

Take two steps forward if you had access to a private tutor

(Not sure if I have this all right but you get the point)

He went on to explain that is how it is in the race of life.  These are all things we have no control over but they give us a head start.  There are many people out there who have no head start at all, they can’t take two steps to any of these statements but they still have to race.  Most of us have most of these things that give us a head start but then we encounter something that sets us two steps back and it seems so unfair.  We focus on those two steps that we have no control over and think things are so bad.  Yet two steps is not a lot to catch up.  There are many things that we have control over in our race of life that help us run faster and we can still win this race called life.  Although we want to believe that it’s our credit that we have a head start it isn’t, so lets not focus on our two step set back but rather on our head start.  Lets be thankful for our head start and help the ones that don’t have that.  Let’s listen to their story instead of magnifying our set back.  Then let’s do the things that we can do to run just a little bit faster when we have set backs.  So often we focus on our set back and slow down in self pity rather then just putting a little more effort into running just a little bit faster.  Most of us think we run as fast as we can but refuse to actually listen and learn how to add a little more stamina and energy to our race.  Like I said in my case, I didn’t want to get unto the treadmill or watch what I eat, rather I complained about my setback and got angry when people don’t feel sorry for me.

Lets run our race of life with joy and not focus on our little set backs but rather on helping the people who are even further behind and lets not loose sight of the many privileges we have.