Not Always

Not Always

I read this yesterday. 

I am gentler, more eager to listen to hurting hearts.  I am less likely to judge others and more likely to lend a helping hand.  I am committed to walk gently through this life and to cause as little harm as possible and bring as much joy as is mine to give.

It is a quote by Melanie who also lost a son.  I'm also claiming to be more sensitive and loving in my posts but am I really? Not always.

Earlier this year I was struggling.  I felt like I was dealing with so many issues.  I needed to book a Physical, I was long past due but I hate going to the Doctor, nothing to do with the Doctor, she’s amazing, just don’t like it.  I felt like I had such a long list of issues.  I fought depression every night; I couldn’t sleep well at night and often had discomfort and even pain in my stomach, I woke up with intense headaches and a swollen face quite frequently, I dealt with headaches during the day as well, my neck and shoulders were always tight and it was painful to move, I had pain in my feet.  I would go over the list frequently and thought it was pretty bad although I wouldn’t really tell people.  I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself the way I should, I wasn’t active, I wasn’t eating right, etc. but I just didn’t feel like it after Roderick left, that’s understandable isn’t it? 

Well when you dwell on your problems long enough you eventually share them, most people were very understanding but one time I shared it and felt like my problems were minimized.  This made me angry, so everyone else was allowed to talk about his or her problems but mine meant nothing and I decided I would never share my problems again.  After all everyone else had greater problems. 

Anyway I did have a physical and all the tests came back normal, some numbers were a little bit off but the Doctor told me to cut back on carbs, loose a bit of weight and exercise to see if we could get those numbers right.  Ok sounds good, I wasn’t sick so I would go home and continue on with life.  I had no intention to start exercising, I would adjust my diet a bit but other then that I didn’t have the energy to exercise and I didn’t want the stress of a strict diet.  But here was her catch, she said we would retest in two months to make sure the numbers get better.  O no! now she’s making me accountable.  I asked my son “what motivated you to get in shape and exercise consistently?”  He runs 5 miles daily.  He said, “I just didn’t want to be fat anymore”.  I said, “what if I don’t care that I’m fat”.  He said, “Maybe you want to live long”.  I’m not sure I want that either.  Yea I know, I’m not a very good mother.  My daughter suggested maybe my motivation could be that I wanted to live healthy and I decided that was a good enough reason, while I live I want to be healthy.  So I’m on the treadmill daily now added some probiotics and vitamins to my diet and feel much better, most of the issues are gone but the ones that aren’t are under control.  So I wasn’t really that sick but I still felt a little bit angry.  I feel like we are in a competition to see who has the biggest problems, whether they are health, marriage or depression.  If only everyone else knew how much we are suffering, they sure would feel sorry for us.  I’ve got news for all you people out there with so many big problems, stop focusing on your problems; they’re not as big as you think.  This seems very harsh I know.  For all those who read this I will never hear about your problems again because obviously I’m not very sensitive.  No honestly I want to be gentler, more eager to listen to hurting hearts, less likely to judge others, more likely to lend a helping hand, I am committed to walk gently through life and to cause as little harm as possible and bring as much joy as is mine to give, and I find I can, just Not Always.

I watched this YouTube clip.  The leader organized a race and would give a hundred dollars to the winner; you might have seen it too.  Before he said go he made some statements.

Take two steps forward if your parents are still married.

Take two steps forward if you had a father figure in your life.

Take two steps forward if you never had to fear your cell phone would be taken away.

Take two steps forward if you had access to private education

Take two steps forward if you never had to help your parents pay their bills 

Take two steps forward if your college was paid for

Take two steps forward if you had access to a private tutor

(Not sure if I have this all right but you get the point)

He went on to explain that is how it is in the race of life.  These are all things we have no control over but they give us a head start.  There are many people out there who have no head start at all, they can’t take two steps to any of these statements but they still have to race.  Most of us have most of these things that give us a head start but then we encounter something that sets us two steps back and it seems so unfair.  We focus on those two steps that we have no control over and think things are so bad.  Yet two steps is not a lot to catch up.  There are many things that we have control over in our race of life that help us run faster and we can still win this race called life.  Although we want to believe that it’s our credit that we have a head start it isn’t, so lets not focus on our two step set back but rather on our head start.  Lets be thankful for our head start and help the ones that don’t have that.  Let’s listen to their story instead of magnifying our set back.  Then let’s do the things that we can do to run just a little bit faster when we have set backs.  So often we focus on our set back and slow down in self pity rather then just putting a little more effort into running just a little bit faster.  Most of us think we run as fast as we can but refuse to actually listen and learn how to add a little more stamina and energy to our race.  Like I said in my case, I didn’t want to get unto the treadmill or watch what I eat, rather I complained about my setback and got angry when people don’t feel sorry for me.

Lets run our race of life with joy and not focus on our little set backs but rather on helping the people who are even further behind and lets not loose sight of the many privileges we have. 

My Two Boys

My Two Boys

            We have two sons that are so different yet so similar.  Tyler is almost done with Driver’s Ed right now and coming into the stage where Roderick was when he went to heaven.  Even though the two brothers are very different I also see so many similarities in Tyler that remind me of Roderick at this age.  My two sons, I love them both dearly, not to leave out my daughter, I love her dearly too but I’m talking about my sons today.

            When Roderick was in grade 2 and Tyler was in Kindergarten the boys would usually take the bus home from school.  We only had a 10 minute drive to the small town of Riverton where they went to school but on the bus it took them about 45 minutes to get home so whenever I had errands to run I would call the school and tell them not to get on the bus but that I would pick them up.  The bus kids were always dismissed before the town kids.  One day I had called the school that I would pick the boys up but for some reason they had only told Tyler.  As the buses were about to leave the secretary remembered that she had forgotten to tell Roderick not to get on the bus, she runs to catch the bus and calls Roderick off just before they leave.  Out walks a teary eyed but very relieved Roderick.  He had been so scared not knowing what to do because he noticed Tyler wasn’t on the bus and didn’t know what happened to Tyler.  Although on a normal day Roderick thought it was his job to toughen up his brother he also had a very sensitive and protective spot in his heart for his brother.  He didn’t sit with his brother or pay attention to him on the bus but he definitely knew if he was there.  Reminds me of another story, which my friend told me about her kids on the bus.  She had three boys on the bus two who were in high school and one in grade two.  One day her two older boys walked into the house after school but not their younger brother.  My friend asks her boys where their younger brother is and they have no idea.  She asks if he was on the bus and they have no idea either.  She calls the school wondering where her son is and they were sure he had gone home on the bus, the school calls the bus driver only to find out her son had fallen asleep and missed getting off the bus, quite the opposite story.

            In 2010 we moved to the city from our farm in Riverton.  We were mostly moved but were back on the farm to do some work yet just before school.  We had supper at my brother’s house and I had gone back home to the house, which was just down the road from my brother’s.  Jake had gone to the barn, which was on my brother’s yard and my brother had gone to unload a load of square bales in the bale shelter, our three kids and his oldest son had gone with him to play on the bales.  My brother had unloaded part of the trailer and needed it backed up to unload the rest.  The youngest three kids were out of the way on the pile of bales in the shelter so he told Roderick to back up the trailer.  The trailer was hooked to a small pickup truck.  Because the truck was a standard it started to back with a jerk but just before Tyler had decided to jump onto the trailer, just as he landed the trailer jerked and he fell between the trailer and the truck on his tummy with his face down.  The truck tire drove right over him.  The tracks were clearly visible on his back.  The tire drove unto his back underneath his shoulder blade on one side then over the other shoulder blade rubbing against the side of his head and ear.  There was dirt pressed into his teeth and ear but when the tire was over Tyler got up on his own.  My brother came running to him to make sure he was fine.  He was having pain in his chest but could walk so my brother led him to the barn where Jake was.  He opened the door and called Jake.  Jake answered he was almost done and would be there shortly so my brother answered “your son has been run over by a truck”.  In that case there was no more work and Jake came running.  He then took the truck and drove Tyler to the house where I was.  He told me what happened but knew no details.  I gave Tyler extra strength Tylenol and took him to emergency.  Tyler would start to cry but then stopped short.  He did this several times.  He said it hurt so bad he needed to cry but then it hurt too much to cry.  The drive to emergency was about 35 minutes.  On the way Tyler asked me to pray for him that the pain would go away.  I prayed for him and by the time we got to the hospital I had to keep him from falling asleep.

            Meanwhile back home Jake went back to my brother's to see what had happened that’s when my brother told him that Roderick had been the one driving the truck and Jake looked up to see Roderick still sitting behind the wheel not knowing where to leave himself fearing what had happened to Tyler.  Thinking about it I still cry with pity for Roderick that he had to sit there as a ten year old for so long.  Jake went to comfort him saying that Tyler would be fine.  He then went back to the house with Roderick worrying about Tyler the whole time.  He tried to figure out what he could do for Tyler to make up for what he had done.  He wanted to use all the money he had in the bank to buy Tyler a bike.

            Back to the hospital, Tyler was taken in by the staff there and strapped to a board to protect his neck, while I was taken into the office to answer questions.  There were two young guys working on Tyler and I could hear them questioning him.  I was a bit worried what they would do if they found out that a 10-year-old had been at the wheel and run over Tyler, I thought we might get in trouble but they never asked me.  I heard the young guys asking Tyler who had driven the truck, he told them his brother had, they asked how old he was and Tyler said “ten”.  But they never mentioned it again.  Tyler was taken in for x-rays and then brought back into the room to wait for the results.  The Doctor took a cloth and cleaned his face and teeth while chatting with Tyler.  When the x-rays were done he left Tyler and me alone for a bit to go look at them.  As soon as Tyler and I were alone Tyler started to cry not for pain but for Roderick.  He so much hoped that Roderick would not feel to bad because it wasn’t his fault.

            The x-rays were sent to the city to specialists for closer observation.  At the hospital Tyler was completely relaxed, I couldn’t tell that he was in pain anymore although if I asked his chest was still hurting.  When the Doctor came back in he said there was no damage and nothing broken.  He unstrapped Tyler from the board and told him he could tell his friends he was iron man, he could get run over by a truck and nothing happened to him.  Tyler said “that’s not the reason”.  “What’s the reason then? Asked the Doctor.  “Are you a Christian?” Tyler asked.  The Doctor said he was.  And Tyler said that was the reason, God had protected him.

            When Tyler got home he told Roderick first thing not to feel bad, Roderick was so happy to see him, for a couple days there they were best friends (I mean they were always best friends but brother best friends who play and fight together) but for a couple days there was no fighting and they wanted to play together all the time.   

            These are my two awesome boys; I can imagine the happy reunion they will have in heaven.

More About Dreams

More About Dreams

I find it interesting how often God will comfort His children who are grieving the loss of a loved one through a dream.  I have mentioned the verse in Hebrews before which talks about a great cloud of witnesses watching us run our race (see Hebrews 12:1).  I don’t believe there is sadness in heaven but I still believe our loved ones can see us but our struggles don’t make them sad, partly because most of the struggles if not all of them are based on the lies of the enemy and I believe they see the truth not the lies but also because they are not limited by the present, there is no time in heaven, if we make a mistake they can already see how God will use that mistake for something beautiful.  To them it is like seeing us run a race, when a racer runs up a hill he is huffing and puffing and every muscle in his body hurts but us fans, we don’t stand around crying because it is so hard for them, we clap and cheer them on and are happy for them, we know they’re ahead, they’re winning and that pain will be rewarded with a medal which will make the pain seem insignificant.  That in my opinion is how they look at our struggles.  Nothing we go through on this earth is anything more than a little muscle pain in light of heaven and the happiness in eternity.  Remember our loved ones live in that happiness and know what is waiting for us.  

But now back to what I started with about God comforting us.  God on the other hand took humanity upon himself when He came to earth and he is still fully human and fully God.  Therefore I believe He knows exactly what we are going through whether it’s based on lies or not and He understands our grief when we loose a loved one.  He goes out of His way to comfort us and like I said before I’m amazed at how often he uses a dream. 
Jake has at least two dreams which have brought him much comfort.  He struggled with the feeling that Roderick's body was underneath the cold dirt in the cemetery.  He knew that Roderick was in heaven but his mind would just be stuck with this image until one night he had a dream that Roderick had come back from heaven, everyone was so excited to see him but Roderick didn't know that he had been gone.  He was with his cousins, happy and excited and Jake had a problem getting his attention.  His Grandpa wanted to see him too.  This dream really helped Jake to change that image in his mind and again see Roderick as alive and happy.  
The next dream was just after our first Christmas since Roderick left.  This time he dreamed that Roderick had come back from heaven for just a bit.  Again Roderick was busy but Jake was trying hard to keep an eye on him because he knew that Roderick was going back to heaven soon and Jake wanted to ask him a couple questions first.  Finally he was able to get his attention and asked him "what happened in that room?" (meaning the night of the accident) Roderick answered "I have no idea, dad!"  Jake was about to ask what heaven was like but woke up before he could.

My uncle and aunt lost their nine-month-old son, years ago in South America, while on a trip.  He became sick there so they had to stay longer then they had planned.  Soon after the funeral they returned home.  My Aunt always struggled with the strong feeling that they had just left their son behind until one day in a dream Jesus came to her and gave her son into her arms.  He was healthy, warm and happy.  Jesus told her she could hold him for a while and then He would take him back with Him.  That was a huge stepping-stone to my Aunt’s healing.

Another young man was telling Jake how his father-in-law had died in an accident.  He had been separated from his wife and they had fights frequently.  With the way this couple was taught they greatly struggled with whether their father would be in heaven or not.  They so longed for the assurance that he was in heaven with Jesus.  One day the Lord gave them a dream.  In the dream their father called them on a cell phone, I’m not sure what the father’s message was but his voice became quieter and quieter on his way back to heaven and this was complete assurance for this young couple that their father was indeed in heaven. 

This to me was another very precious revelation.  You know, a lot of us have misbeliefs because of the way we have been brought up or whatever other reasons and even if our struggle is based on lies God still cares enough to bring us comfort, in fact, I think that all of us will realize in heaven that not everything was the way we believed it would be.  That’s one thing I want you to think about when you read my blogs.  When I right my imaginations, revelations, thoughts and what I believe I know that not everything will be so when I get to heaven or even a year from now I will look back and see some flaws in the way I believed today but I think that the Lord takes pleasure in the fact that we believe and meditate.  That is what brings faith, hope and love, these are what will remain for eternity not the details as to what we believe or imagine.  Even if we put God in a box He is willing to be there in that box with us and comfort us in our grief, if that makes any sense.  Mind you, He’s not just in the box He’s also outside the box with the rest of humanity contrary to what those inside the box often believe.  Some of us might be far off in what we believe about God and heaven, we all believe different things and often get caught up in all the details of what we believe or don’t believe about heaven, God and our loved ones who have gone on before but I don’t think God is so focus on those details, He looks for faith hope and love in the heart and whether all the other things we believe are exactly right or not is not so important to Him.  I think sometimes He finds these (faith, hope and love) in the hearts of people we think are far off in their beliefs.  A friend told me this week how she had lost a sister this year and she was finding dimes everywhere, to her these were signs her sister left for her, pennies from heaven she called it, this to me was a foreign belief.  Another time a friend mentioned how she would get the shivers and believed that was her dear friend giving her a hug but she was saddened by the fact that she had friends who did not believe it.  How often did Jesus say in the Bible “according to your faith be it unto you”.  Now I know that was usually healing miracles but could it be that God will use what we believe to strengthen our faith and bring us comfort?  If we believe in pennies from heaven will He have our loved ones drop us dimes, so to speak to comfort us or will our loved ones come and hug us in the form of shivers or a dream if that’s what we believe?  Maybe they are just dimes a neighbour dropped or just shivers or just to much pizza before bed but our faith brings us comfort because of what we believe.  Once we get to heaven it won’t matter anymore how that dime got there or if it was our loved one or God or an angel or just a lost dime, so why will we make a big deal about it could God not use our faith to comfort us and strengthen us in whatever way He chooses?  I think the saddest thing is if the Lord sends comfort over and over in whatever way it is but because of our lack of faith we don’t receive any of it.  So lets keep that faith hope and love real in our hearts, these are the things that will last forever.