I could share a lot of things about Tyler starting when he
was very young but let me just start by saying that Tyler struggled with low
self esteem.
After Roderick went to
heaven Tyler was very sensitive and wanted to do stuff with us.
I think he realized how precious family
is.
But then he sunk into this sadness,
he rarely smiled and didn’t say much other then what he needed to say in
everyday life. He always had his group of friends though, he never felt that he
had no friends, but he spent a lot of time by himself doing his own thing.
In the spring of 2017, Tyler started coming out of
his shell. Wanting to have friends over,
building a tree house with dad etc. That
summer he did a lot of biking, His friend and he would meet halfway and bike to
either one of their houses and hang out.
This is what I posted not long before Tyler passed away and I quote “One
day Tyler comes to Jake and me and out of the blue says, “we should get a
pool”. He added that he wanted to start
having friends over more often and it would be nice to have a pool. That same day Angeline comes and says the
same thing without knowing that Tyler had brought it up. Not to long after that Tyler said we should
get a tree house built, that should be our project for the summer, so as a
family we started dreaming about it. We
discussed whether it would be wise to build a pool unto this yard because it
doesn’t raise the value of the property.
We bought an old house six years ago and renovated it but it hadn’t ever
really been our intention to make this a long-term home, this was just what we
could afford at that time. So we started
looking for a house and enjoyed dreaming as a family again. We bought a house in September. This will stretch us financially and even
though we are big on financial freedom I think it will be good for us to work
hard to get ahead financially. We needed
a kick in the butt to say get up, work hard, make it work, start dreaming
again, and have a reason to plan. We still struggle with dreaming and planning
many times but we are excited about moving in February and it is great to dream
again.” I feel like Tyler was the
one who got us dreaming again.
I was looking forward to the school year and so was he, I
was sure things would be different now but only a week or two into the school
year I could sense a heaviness on him and I sensed it wasn’t going as well as
he had hoped. I started to pray
earnestly for him.
Not long after that he shared with me that he thought he had
social anxiety, he had researched it online and there was medication he could
get for that. I didn’t think he needed
medication, I thought he just needed to realize that it wasn’t easy to
socialize after having withdrawn himself for so long but I also thought this
would be an opportunity to get him into counseling and then maybe he would be
able to open up and talk about his brother’s death as well.
The family doctor agreed with me and so he started
counseling. At this time, I started
setting aside one day a week to fast and pray for him. Every time I took him to counseling, I prayed
that God would do a miracle and that Tyler would see he could beat this without
medication. Looking back now I’m not
even sure why that was so important to me.
After only a few sessions the counselor suggested using a bit of
medication and asked how I felt about it.
I said I wanted to do what he thought was best. I would have liked to do it without
medication. He asked Tyler if we could
try to go without it a couple more weeks. Tyler
agreed.
Two weeks later, still hoping God would do that miracle, I
asked him if he still felt he needed medication. He looked at me and then looked down and
said, “I’m good with what you want mom” but he had the most defeated look on
his face as if there was no help for him and I decided at that moment that I
would agree to medication. I said
“God, I prayed for a miracle and it didn’t happen so now I go forward believing
that medication is your plan”.
On December 11, he had his last appointment with the
counselor. He was doing so well; he had
already gone to a movie with a group of friends including some he hadn’t hung
out with before and was planning a Christmas party with his friends that Friday
where they wanted to decorate gingerbread houses and other activities. The counselor agreed that he was doing so
well he didn’t need another appointment.
That Thursday he seemed down, he had to postpone the
Christmas party because there were too many of his friends that couldn’t make
it, that wouldn’t usually bother him though, and he said it didn’t.
That same week he also said he would like to
start taking his medication in the evening because he felt like it took until
lunch before it worked.
I was surprised
because I thought he was doing so well but the doctor had said it didn’t matter
if he took it in the morning or evening, so I didn’t really care.
I started giving it to him just before
bed.
The following day he came home from
school looking unusually tired.
I asked
him what was wrong, he said he was fine.
 |
Tyler fell asleep doing homework, this was one of the three
days he came home so tired |
He lay down on the couch and fell asleep. This happened three days in a
row and then he said he wanted to go back to taking his medication in the
morning, this isn't working, he said: so we did.
Whether his tiredness was due to the
medication or not I don’t know.
After that he seemed more himself although I could tell he
wasn’t back to where he had been. On
Tuesday he asked to stay after school to watch the drama class practice I said
he could but then he’d have to come to Angeline’s hockey game because I didn’t
have time to drive him home in between.
He was fine with that. He watched
Angeline’s game, Angeline scored in that game, it was special that Tyler got to
watch her score a goal. He didn’t come
to her games much. When we got home
Angeline excitedly showed off the Christmas sweater, she had gotten for the
Christmas event the following day at school.
Tyler said he wanted one too.
Angeline said they got all four of us one. He liked one of them and I thought it would
look so great with his olive pants. I
was so excited. We had our Tyler
back. It was a long time since he’d been
excited to dress up for something. The
next morning, he didn’t come up dressed for the event though, I could tell the
excitement of the night before was gone but I didn’t make a big deal of it.
After school when Tyler got into the car, I asked him how
the Christmas event had been he said good. Then he asked if we could go pick up
helium for the Christmas Party. He said
he was planning to have the party on the 28th or 29th
now. I asked, “right now?” He said yea.
I didn’t mind, we bought helium before and I was impressed that he
wanted to go shopping with Angeline and me.
He’d usually just want me to pick stuff up for him. The three of us went to the party store to
buy the helium and went home.
When we got home, he had a big plate of food. Jake, Angeline and I watched Survivor
downstairs while he was on the computer in the room beside us, what he was
doing I don’t know but when we went upstairs, he soon came up with his
blanket. That was strange. I asked him what he wanted with his blanket it was really time
for bed. He said he wanted to sleep
upstairs this night, I asked what he had said but then he said, “I’m cold
downstairs I just want to lay down on the couch and warm up then I’ll go to
bed”. I puzzled a bit over the fact that
he changed his answer and what he had originally meant. Jake asked him if he wasn’t feeling well, if
he should make him a citron. He said he
was fine. I made him a mint tea and
brought it to him, I often did that for him before bed and asked him again if
he wasn’t feeling well and if he wanted an Advil. He said again he was fine he would just warm
up and then go to bed downstairs. Jake
and I said good night and went to bed.
Not long after that we heard Tina (our niece who lived with
us) come in, she had worked a late shift.
Then we heard Tyler get up and I heard him go to the broom closet and
open some drawers in the cabinet then went downstairs and I fell asleep. Tina later told us when she came in, he had
seemed completely relaxed on the couch and had said hi.
She went downstairs and got ready to shower when she came
out of her room Tyler and her had both been on the way into the bathroom and
Tyler had said she could use it first. After
she was done she heard Tyler go in and then go back to his room, she had seen
that the light in his room was still on so she knew he hadn’t gone to bed. She got ready for bed when she heard what
sounded like loud breathing. She got up
and put her ear to her door to listen but then had concluded that he must have
been very tired and fallen asleep with the lights on and was now snoring. This was around 11:30.
December 21 started like any other Thursday morning.
I got up a bit later then usual close to 6:30 and made a pot of coffee.
I was going to spend some time for devotions but after a little bit decided to go switch on Tyler’s light so he could wake up slowly.
I usually wake the kids up at 7 but Tyler had recently asked to wake him up a bit earlier, so he had a little extra time to get ready.
I walked downstairs and noticed that all the lights had been left on, which was strange.
Then I glanced over at Tyler’s bedroom and saw the door was open and the lights were on so he must have gone to shower already.
I glanced over to the washroom and saw the door was open, he wasn’t in the shower, then I went to check out his room.
It was empty, now my heart was starting to pound, I felt like another nightmare was beginning, the only problem, I couldn’t wake up from it, I was already fully awake.
Since Roderick’s passing if anything isn’t quite normal in the morning, we always had to really be careful that we didn’t panic right away so I told myself, he’s going to be OK, he can’t just disappear. I glanced over at his computer room, which used to be Roderick’s bedroom and saw the lights were on, but the door was closed, so he must be in that room. I walked over to the door and the door was locked, this was strange, Tyler never locks his doors. I called him but he didn’t answer. I figured he must have fallen asleep, so I called louder. I went back upstairs to get something to unlock the door knowing that was not the easiest door to unlock. I debated if I should tell Jake, but I thought “no reason to panic, he must have fallen asleep in his computer room, he wasn’t the easiest kid to wake up.
I went back downstairs to try and unlock the door but couldn’t seem to do it. I banged on the door louder and more desperate by now pleading, “Please Tyler answer me, I need to know that you’re OK”. No answer. I went back up to find something else to unlock the door, while I was searching Jake finally made his way downstairs and he noted right away from my face that something was wrong. I told him “Tyler is in his computer room and the door is locked”.
Jake walked straight downstairs while I continued to look for something to unlock the door. I was interrupted by a scream from Jake “No! No! not again”. I knew what that meant. The door was unlocked so I guess my first attempt worked I just didn’t realize it, but Jake said he had been ready to break down the door if need be.
I ran downstairs and found Tyler lying on the floor fully dressed, his head on a bean back and a helium tank beside him. When I saw his face, I knew he was gone, his spirit had left his body. Jake found him there with a garbage bag over his head and a hose from the helium tank into the bag. Of course, Jake’s instinctive reaction was to jerk the bag off to see if Tyler was okay. I was only barely downstairs, when I heard my daughter calling from the main floor “What happened?” Jake’s scream woke her up. I ran back up to her as quickly as I could. Our niece Tina lived with us and also came out of her room to see what was going on.
I told Angeline what happened, and we went into the living room. Jake came back up too.
Angeline said, “this can’t be true, are you sure, did you call him?’
I went back downstairs, and Jake and Angeline followed me. I called “Tyler come; Tyler come back” “God can you bring him back?” I believe Jake called him yet too.
Even though I had no idea that Tyler was suicidal with the realization that he had obviously been hurting far more then I had ever known came also this peace that he was now free and at peace.
That first night we were at my sister’s house and Jake and I kind of just lay in bed and tried to rest, we would doze off every so often. Once when Jake dozed off, he had this labored breathing and I woke him up thinking he had a nightmare. He said, “I had a beautiful dream’ and told me about it. He dreamed that Tyler had come back to life and wanted to celebrate with his friends that he was alive. I loved it when Jake had these beautiful dreams. Twice he had beautiful dreams about Roderick and that was always a precious gift from God. To think the very first night God gave him a dream even though he was barely sleeping at all was very comforting and truly could only be from a very caring, loving God. I hadn’t had dreams like that, I felt that was okay because we each had our own ways of receiving comfort and obviously God knew that Jake was the one who needed it.
Later that night though, I woke up with a dream. In my dream Tyler got into the back of the car, I was in the driver seat and I turned my head to look at him. He asked me to drop him off at Teo’s house because his friends were together there. We both knew that he had died and so I told him that he knew I couldn’t do that. He said “I know” then I said look at me and he looked at me for several long moments and I woke up. I told Jake my dream. Later I found out that Tyler’s friends had been together at Teo’s house and that to me was even greater confirmation that these dreams were no coincidence but truly came from God.
I felt peace about the fact that Tyler was now free in heaven but the trauma so soon after Roderick went to heaven was almost more then our emotions and bodies could handle.
It was basically déjà vu, like the morning that we found Roderick was replayed with Tyler.
Jake and I could not see how we could go through this again.
It just seemed so impossible, those first five days we’d just cry in each other’s arms at times.
Also, we could not bare the nights.
Our bodies would just tense up in fear.
We just knew that something had happened to Angeline, our spirits knew that it wasn’t true, but it was like our mind or emotions refused to believe it.
We’d go check on Angeline and sometimes I’d just sit with her.
The amazing thing was that she could sleep.
She rarely noticed me coming in.
Other times we were to afraid to get up and go check.
We just lay in bed all tense.
The 26th in the morning I woke up at 3:00 and again I felt so tense and so scared. I couldn’t get myself to go check on Angeline I just lay there almost trembling in fear, so tense was I. At 5:00 I had enough, I got up and went to check on Angeline, when I went back to my bed, I felt my body relax and I felt a peace replace that fear. I just lay in bed so relaxed and peaceful. I was still awake at 6:00, Jake was awake by that time too.
I don’t know when I fell back asleep but at 7:00 I woke up from this beautiful dream. I dreamed that a lot of us loved ones were around a coffin and Tyler's body was in the coffin. I remember he still wore the same clothes he was in when he passed away. Tyler got up and came to my side. He commented on how much he loved all of us and I got all excited and grabbed him by the arms and said, “Do you want to stay? You can still stay!” He put his arms around me and started to sob, then he said he wanted to go, Jesus had called him three times and He loved him very much. I was so happy for him and never hesitated a moment, I just told him to go, “when I get there we will talk, and it will be like we have never been separated” I said and woke up. I so clearly recall the joy I felt in letting him go to heaven and I truly felt it would only be a short time until I’d be there with him. I started to cry and told Jake the dream, I knew then that we could do this. I told Jake God really cares for us and he has a purpose for us. For two months that fear was gone in the night. I have later still struggled with anxiety a lot, but I now know we can do this. I will not be surprised when I get to heaven if I will find out that Tyler told Jesus he needed to tell his mom and that God allowed him to come back in a dream to tell me.
